A bit of background:
I'm 33 and was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and a panic disorder back in 2015.
I've been on anti-anxiety medication twice before, but always got "better" to the point I was able to come off the meds. The panic disorder doesn't really rear its head until I am in the absolute pits of anxiety. Had beta blockers for it in the past. I live with the anxiety but it's usually something I can control.
This takes us to today. I work in a very, very small company who were in crisis when I joined due to staffing. I started 18 months ago and picked it up really quickly and was doing really well, got lots of praise and compliments all the time. However the job I took on is not a one person job and I only work part time, so they were looking for someone else to take on too. They hired her 4 months after me, but she wasn't very good, had a lot of issues and has been signed off work for the past 4 months, leaving me to do a full time job in part time hours.
I have given my all to the job as I really belive in the company and what we do and stand for, but these past 4 months have been so tough. My anxiety has come back and I've been kidding myself that I'm fine, hiding it all at work and just getting on with the job. The job is very pressured and a lot of the work is time sensitive, which I'm usually fine with as usually work well under pressure and work well to deadlines.
However, the past 2 weeks it has all fallen down. Got news that the other girl was coming back, part time, and that things would be different, and I have just spiralled. I don't really know why, her coming back is a positive thing as I've now got some support with the work. But my work output has suffered this past month due to this anxiety spiral and has left us really behind and in a hole to be honest, which I feel terrible about (cue more spiralling).
I don't know whether it is a case of, I've just had to keep going for 4 months, putting in lots of hours of overtime (I do part time due to childcare) and I'm completely burned out. I've been in a constant state of fight/flight/freeze, but have been giving it my all despite this.
My anxiety the past 2 weeks has been through the roof and my panic disorder has also reared its head, to the point where I've been basically in a panic attack since 5 am this morning, felt like I couldn't breathe, shaking, crying. I had a breakdown at work last week where I told them the anxiety and panic i have been having and was feeling like I couldn't cope. They are very supportive but also we are so stretched as a company that you could see the worry I was even like this. I cried for hours last night, I've not been sleeping properly, eating properly..
I've called in sick to work today, i was in such a state of panic id have been no use to anyone and i didnt feel safe to drive or even take my son to school (hubs took him instead). I'm awaiting a GP appointment tofay and I have self referred to the mental health services in my area.
I definitely need some sort of therapy, (had CBT before in thr past butnit didnt work for me) but apprehensive about going on meds again (although defo need some beta blockers). And I feel so guilty being off, and potentially needing some time signed off get myself right. The guilt that I am letting my company and colleagues down when we are so stretched already is killing me. But I also know I am no good to my job in the absolute state I am in.
I don't know what I'm asking for but I needed to write down what is happening and get it off my chest.