I made a list.

[totallylost1]

I really hate being negative and 'woe is me' cause all I hearing ringing in my ears is that 'there's people out there worse off than you' and I realise that, however I have been suffering since I was 12, I am now 48. I've not lived. I have not had a fulfilling life in any respect of the term. I've had so much bad stuff that has only made my mental health worse, I can't ever catch a break.

Anyway, this morning at 3am I wrote a list (I can't ever sleep) - so I thought I'd share my list.

Also, side note, I'm on countless medications, I've tried almost every combination of medication over the years, therapy is no longer and option as I am 'too complex' - so there's that... anyway - my list.... no idea why I'm sharing, I just feel fucking lost and lonely. I hate myself, my life, and the only reason I am still torturing myself by being here is my son and dogs. My life is HELL. Pure hell. I hate every second of it. I'm now so depressed I am literally in bed as much as possible away from everything. I get up when I am needed to do chores (carer for my elderly parents) but that is it.

You've been through so much abd had such a tough time that the fact that you show up and do anything is admirable. I'm not going to argue with any of your points, but you are important and you do matter. Are you having therapy currently? I wish there was a way to make everything easier for you... 💐

I’m sorry you feel like this. If you find gardening a therapy, maybe try and get out and do some every day, even if for only 5 minutes?

Have a read of this article. It will help you start understanding why you feel the way you do;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/