DH EUPD In denial and verbally abusive TW

[Ivereallyhadenoughnow]

DH was diagnosed with EUPD and cPTSD five years ago after a serious suicide attempt. He improved for some time with relatively short-lived relapses of aggressive or unstable behaviour. I lost DF at Christmas and it has completely upset everything. DH has severe childhood trauma related to his father and I’ve not had space to grieve as any time I’m upset DH either tells me he’s upset too because it’s bringing up his trauma or he verbally abuses me because he feels I’m attacking him personally by being withdraw and sad (grieving!!!).

He used to turn his aggression/anger on himself but now it’s all aimed at me. He says he’s done enough therapy, there’s nothing wrong with him and I just need to grow a backbone and buck up. He’s completely unrecognisable from the person I married. I’ve lived in hope that he would improve for five years but it’s always temporary until some life event sets him off again. We have two small DCs so I can’t allow them to be exposed to his rages. He never rages at them, just me, although he’ll lose his temper with any adult.

He’s on the waiting list for counselling and EMDR but insists that he’d be fine if I’d just support him more. I don’t really know what I’m asking - I suppose really, I’m asking if it’s time to give up.

It’s time to put yourself and your children first. Your DH’s mental health isn’t your responsibility. His behaviour will be having a massive impact on your DCs - children always know!

It doesn’t sound like you’re a team. It doesn’t sound like he’s supportive. It doesn’t sound like you have space to express your emotional needs. It doesn’t sound like a healthy, equal relationship in any sense. Of course it’s okay to leave, it’s not ‘giving up’ to recognise that the relationship is not giving you what you need and deserve and to walk away from that.

LTB.

He has a serious personality disorder plus the cPTSD too. This is who he is. EUPD is tricky, the charming man you met doesn't exist.

Regardless of his MH diagnosis he is not taking responsibility for his behaviour. Nothing will change unless he does that.

blaming you is the easy way out for him. Therapy and self realisation are hard.

OP have you researched EUPD (also called BPD). Personality disorders are serious shit. His behaviour is typical of those with it. It's likely he won't change. You need to decide if you can deal with the bullshit or if leaving is the better option.

Thanks all. I’ve done a lot of reading about EUPD and also discussed things with my own counsellor. She’s also of the opinion that he isn’t taking responsibility.

He wasn’t what you’d call charming when I met him, he was just normal. We knew each other and worked together for ten years before dating. The first years of our marriage were quite normal, but (and I have to be careful how much I say here) his father was jailed six years ago for various things relating to his abuse of DH and others, which triggered the suicide attempt and breakdown. It was a big deal at the time and made the newspapers, so I’ve tried to give DH the benefit of the doubt in the hope things will settle.

The charm was the appearing "normal". That isn't who he is. EUPD is brutal. If he isn't taking responsibility nothing is going to change and your life could be hell.