Does it get better

[YellowHue]

Feel a bit ridiculous but I don’t know what to do anymore. I have a 12 week old and things just keep getting worse.

The birth of DS was very difficult after being induced. Most people told me that I’d be fine because the baby makes it all worthwhile, but I’m feeling like the worst mum in the world for still struggling.

Weeks on and he cried 4-5 hours plus everyday, screaming until his voice cracks. The GP told me “babies cry it’s part of it, hopefully it resolves itself” and when referring to my mental health said “maybe you’ll just start feeling better”. I get turned away most times I go for help.The hospital ruled out CMPA but said potentially reflux. I do everything recommended to try and reduce this but nothing works.

Ive tried since day one to get help for myself. I’ve been refused perinatal on three occasions despite midwife insisting. I’ve been told the local charity will prioritise me but it’s still taking weeks between calls to just decide on steps forward, they also have suggested things get easier.

DH does what he can to support me but I think he just hopes one day I’ll wake up and feel ok.

I feel like an absolute failure because it seems I should just be able to cope and yet can’t. I struggle to bond with my son and sometimes don’t want to be around him, or anyone for that matter.

Does it get easier? Is it bad I want to leave?

So sorry to hear this @YellowHue do you know why you were refused by the perinatal team? I’d say you definitely need there support! I have PND and they’ve been a godsend to me x

I was told that “unless you’re about to jump off the bridge, you don’t meet the criteria”.

That’s awful @YellowHue ! You can self refer in my area, can u do that where u are? If not then I would just go back to your gp and keep insisting that you need help! x

Bless you. That sounds really hard.

It definitely does get better so don’t lose hope, but it sounds like you need support now.
Have you joined any baby groups near you? I’ve found signing up to one of those really useful for just getting out of the house and the leader of the one we go to is great for advice. If that isn’t an option, I’d just say get yourself up and dressed every day if you can and go out for a short walk/drive/bus ride as a change of scenery might help. Does little one nap in the car or pram so you can have a break and listen to music or a podcast for half an hour, just to get some brain space?

I know I don’t know the whole story but could it be colic with your little one? It really sounds like you’ve been let down by the GP as you’ve not been given any practical advice for baby or your mental health. Could you contact the health visitor instead to seek (hopefully) better advice?

I’d also try and chat to people about how you’re feeling. Do you have family or friends you can open up to? You might be surprised by how many have felt how you’re feeling and/or could offer to help with baby.

x

First of all, well done on reaching out, that's the hardest thing to do.

Do you or DH work? If so, is there a employee assistance programme available which you could access? Normally it's for family too so if you don't Normally work, as DH if he has one. They are generally open 7 days a week and have access to counselling services pretty quickly (talking days instead of months with NHS!)

It does get better, but that won't help right now. Baby will settle into a routine of being born and so will you.

Is there any family support? If so utilise them so you have some time away for you to do something for yourself

I feel for you it’s tough. As another poster suggested is it colic, my little one cried for weeks and we tried everything. What eventually worked was sma procol xpert colic sachets - one day after starting them he instantly stopped the crying and was a different baby (got to be worth a go). I felt so stressed and well I can’t really explain it now but jeez it was a hard time and I was totally robbed of bonding with my little one due to the colic. It was a f@@@@g hard miserable time and it did get better. Do as another poster suggested and make sure to get up and dressed every day and get out for some fresh air with the baby in the pram. Sending hugs and support. X

It absolutely gets better, you've just had a major life change, your hormones will be all over the place and there's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique! Babies are lovely but not every mother finds it easy. Everyone says how wonderful having a baby is (and it is) but other than wait untill the sleepless nights,, no one really prepares you for the fact this bundle of joy can be utterly exhausting. Take all the help you can get, and take one day at a time, also try to get out the house as much as possible, too much time alone will make you lonely and not improve your mental health.

I had two babies who cried a lot, didn't sleep and didn't like being put down. I hated the newborn stage (so boring, they just cry, feed, sleep). I had PND. I thought about leaving my baby at a service station and also tried to work out how to leave them at a hospital so they could be looked after by someone who would do a better job. It was awful. It is absolutely normal to think about leaving when things are as relentlessly hard as they sound.

Firstly, it does get more enjoyable. Your baby will start to engage more and explore and be interesting and independent. Personally I loved the toddler phase, though it's a bit chaotic.

Secondly, you definitely need help. Traumatic birth experiences have a real impact on your experience with your baby, and having a distressed baby you can't console is really distressing - it puts psychological stress on you.

I know there isn't the same help available as when I had my first baby (14 years ago) but I hope you can get help.

• I had an attachment counsellor (on the NHS) who helped me work on adjusting to being a mum and bonding with my baby.
• I had a homestart volunteer when my children were a little older, and that was amazing.
• If you can get some time away from the baby to do something you enjoy, that will help you. I found going to the cinema good because it was engrossing and distracted me from thinking about my children. Also it's lovely and dark. You can have an icecream and a nap!
• Try keeping records of your baby crying - times, how long, what you do. That level of crying does sound unusual. If you can speak to your GP/health visitor with facts it will help evidence that there is a problem. If there's an underlying cause (a friend's baby had a milk allergy and was in pain constantly) resolving it will make a huge difference.

It does get easier. It does get better. I hope you get the support and help you need. It's ok not to be enjoying it now (I don't understand how anyone likes the first three months!)

Oh I’m so sorry you feel that way, I felt like this with my first and it was really awful so I know how you feel. Your 100% not a bad mother, your showing up everyday despite how hard it is, I really was a mess with my first but looking back I am so proud of myself for still being there every single day despite wanting to run away. Just try and remember that, no matter how you feel you’re there and that’s all that matters to your baby at this stage. And yes you will be ok and you will get through this. It did take me a couple of years to feel like myself again so buckle up, maybe won’t be that long for you but it won’t last forever and it will be a distant memory one day. Don’t get me wrong parenting is an absolute shit show some days but I’m happy now which makes a big difference.

How are you feeding the baby? I had to stop breast feeding as it was not good for my mental health. I managed to BF with my second but he had reflux so I changed to an anti reflux formula which really helped. Also if you were ever to think about doing it again don’t be put off by your first experience, I fell pregnant again my accident and was petrified about going threw that again but my experience this time couldn’t be more opposite.

keep going, your moving mountains every day even if you don’t think you are, being a mum while feeling like that has got to be the worst thing that I’ve ever went through so please give yourself some grace. You WILL be ok I promise. It’s so fucking hard.

If your hospital said it could be reflux did they give you any medication to try? My baby needed both the baby gaviscon sachets to thicken milk and also the the ant packs medication ranatidine. She also had a CMPA and I was told by the gp a few times she didn’t but she did. Had to really fight for some hypoallergenic milk. Health visitor helped when she came and saw the distress my baby was is and the kind of rash she had all over. My first baby didn’t have the rash but had the allergy too. There’s silent reflux where they scream and twist etc and then the normal reflux where they bring their milk back up. Silent reflux is harder to diagnose. It can also be worth looking at changing your formula if you are using a formula. Some brands are better tolerated. With the reflux we had to feed little and often not big bottles.

Definitely look into baby groups to get yourself out. I had some daily and they saved my sanity as staying in the house all day proved hard for me. Then days seemed endless.

Go back to GP for PND assessment. Ask for referral to talking therapy and discuss possible medication for it too.

Have you contacted your Health Visitor?

It does get better. Baby massage really helped my screaming baby as it turned out to be colic/wind. Infacol was a godsend. The health visitor I had showed me how to support the babys head while turning them on their tummy and massaging tummy. It was a technique that worked. See your GP and explain you are struggling and need a double appointment for the baby to be seen and you to be seen. It does get better you are not failing you are coping.

Oh I do feel for you. You're doing the right things asking for help and the system is failing you.

Sleep deprivation really does a number on you. If there is any way it is humanly possible for you to get more sleep then that needs to happen. There was definitely a strong correlation amongst my friends over the years between non-sleeping babies and PND. It is torture.

Babies cry that's true but generally only to get their needs met and when that happens they should settle. If they are clean, fed, warm and had enough sleep and still crying there is something else going on. It could be reflux, food intolerance, some other kind of discomfort or something that will only become clear later. If you haven't been given anything to try then the first thing I would try is infant gaviscon which you can buy. If you are breast feeding you could try going dairy free or gluten free to see if that helps.

You are not obliged to enjoy what sounds like a very difficult time. It is OK that you are finding this difficult. Lots of people do.

This to shall pass. It may feel never ending now but it won't be like this forever. It will get better.

I think it sounds like you need support as previous posters have said - so sorry the system is failing you at this tough time. Have you tried PANDAs https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/ ? They have a free helpline and support groups.

I also concur with others to look into issues such a reflux/colic. It's not normal for your baby to cry that much if they are well fed, warm etc and being told 'it gets better' isn't that helpful for you.

It absolutely does get better/easier with time but I think recognition that you are having a particularly difficult time is important, it's relentless when you have accumulation of sleep deprivation at 3-4 months. I think from 5-6m usually things like colic do settle so hang in there but in the meantime get all the support you can and find ways to rest if possible (for example an absolute lifesaver with my first was when my partner and I took turns to take baby for a whole night to give the other some uninterrupted sleep- that obviously depends on if they will take expressed milk or formula)

Big hugs X

There is only 1 way to rule out cmpa and that is by removing dairy and seeing if symptoms improve.
It took until 17 weeks for doctors to listen to my concerns about allergies by which point she cried for 16-20h a day and I had severe depression and psychosis. In the end we identified 20 food allergies and she has severe silent reflux which her GP was treating as mild-moderate so the medications didn't make a lot of difference.

It's a hard bar for perinatal teams unfortunately. How is your relationship with your HV? I had listening appointments when my daughter was a newborn and it was only my HV that listened to me in the early months. They arranged for me to have a baby massage course at home and referred me to an infant parenting service for therapy. My daughter is 3 now and I'm having counselling with another HV (moved house) to help me cope with parenting a child who isn't outgrowing her reflux and allergies and everything that comes with that.

I'd not rule out CMPA, hospital and old GP said my son had reflux ....I moved GP who was willing to give me allergy milk to try and within 4 bottles he was like a new baby!!!