I’m scared I’ve set my son up for problems his whole life

[Lanitrying]

I’ve recently had a second child and my relationship with her is so much better but it’s highlighted the problems I’ve faced with my first born son.

unfortunately my son was born in first lock down and the birth was complicated. me and my husband fearing the worst during the start of lock down were invited to stay with my husbands parents. Things went downhill tbh his hubbys mum became very controlling and not very nice, even now I find it hard to forgive her as I feel she almost ended my relationship and completely ruined my time with my first born. I honestly have never felt so vulnerable in my life, I ended up getting awful anxiety and postnatal depression and later discovered I had all the symptoms for ptsd as highlighted by a professional. But out of everyone who suffered was my baby boy who’s now almost 4. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach at how impatient I was with him, I couldn’t bare his crying, and struggled to engage with him. I love my son dearly but I’m so terrified that I have terrified him by shouting and not coping or storming around and crying and wanting to kill myself. I would give everything in me to go back, to change it and give him the start he deserved but I can’t and it’s eating me up. Life can be so unfair, things can change to quickly. I was too trusting and I shouldn’t of been.

my little boy is such a sweet little boy, he is so curious and creative and loves Lego more than anything. I co slept with him until he was three and I do try to do my best for him as much as I can though I do feel I get frustrated and impatient with him, but I also love him so much so why can’t I just not feel frustrated and impatient??? I feel so confused and also very protective of him but I also never really get a break especially with a 6 month old. Have I ruined his chances to be a happy well rounded adult? I’m scared I’ve caused him low self worth and depression and anxiety :( I feel like such an awful mother

You're not an awful mum. You sound lovely. I'm so sorry you suffered PND/PTSD. The pandemic consequences are far reaching but the fact you co slept means he will feel secure and loved despite your low mood. Are you feeling better now? Congrats on your 2nd and enjoy park fun with swings with your son whilst baby sleeps on

No, you haven't ruined anything. Trust me :)

I mean, maybe. My parents have definitely given me issues, whether they intended it or not. It's good you have recongised it, the best you can do is change your behavior towards him now.

Please don't worry...the fact that you ARE worried is indicative of how you love him and care for him. Kids are resilient and your anger isn't rare...it's very difficult to be a new mom. He's still very little and you have many years to help him grow up. Please don't be so hard on yourself. We all feel mother guilt because none of us are perfect mothers. He sounds lovely. Co-sleeping was probably very good for him as well.

You don't know whether you have caused any issues or not.

But let's pretend you did.

Most mental health issues can be improved or fixed. And one of the easiest ways they can be improved or fixed in children especially is if they feel they have a loving bond with a parent they can rely on.

So what you can do now, is be the best parent you can for your child. That doesn't mean never getting angry or cross - children are challenging and it's not possible to be the endlessly patient mother. But it does mean being good enough,

Be there for your kid. Give them independence but support them so it's successful. You can do this.

It's likely your child will be fine but now is the time to work on it. Do a stress management course or mindfulness training through NHS. Learn to feel ok with stress.

Stop blaming yourself you are in a cycle - you blame yourself- you feel crap because of the burden you are carrying - you struggle to regulate your emotions - you blame yourself etc

The only way to move forward is to break the cycle and forgive your own mistakes

No, you haven't set your son up for MH problems for life - you are clearly a very loving and concerned Mum.
Life isn't perfect, the pandemic was awful for so many people. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you couldn't help being ill and suffering from depression and anxiety.
Try to put it behind you and move forward from here.
I'm a big advocate of co sleeping and I believe this will have provided your son with a very secure base which can only be positive for his mental health in the future.