I'm really struggling, I've never felt this bad before

[scoobydoo2000]

To cut a long story short, my husband died 2.5 years ago, I have 2 DC, DS14 and DD10, my DD has ASD and ADD, high-functioning. My late husband's death resulted in me being diagnosed with PTSD, for which I had EMDR therapy this year, which was good, and I am in regular therapy (as much as budget can allow) with an amazing therapist. However, I have recently been brutally discarded by a new partner (of 10 months) one minute he was there, the next he was gone. He was a friend before we got together. I now know I was manipulated. I am sure he has a serious mental illness, but this wasn't truly evident when we were together, although now I can see things more clearly. I don't think he was a narcissist, but delusional and paranoid, which became clear at the very end. I feel completely betrayed and I have no closure or answers. This happened 6 weeks ago.

In a way, the details don't really matter. I have been left an empty shell, I struggled with chronic fatigue after my DH died, and now it's even worse. I feel that life is pointless and that I am pointless. If it wasn't for my DC, I don't think I would want to be here. I procrastinate on everything, I could stare out the window for hours and don't do anything - even though I have piles of washing, stuff for the kids, work etc that I need to do.

I hate my job - I can only work 2 days a week anyway - and I cry all the way into work and the way home again - I don't do any of the work properly as I can't focus or concentrate, but I don't really care. The job itself is depressing (think medical/ children/ hospital work). I need the money, the life insurance won't last me that long, but I think I need to take a few months off and try to find something else. It's not that well-paid, but it is just enough. I don't know if I will find something as it's specialist, and I also think going back to it would be depressing anyway.

I took anti-depressants for a while - tried a few different ones, but they made me feel numb and they were very hard to get off. I do have propranolol and diazepam, but they are not fixes.

I try to run and do yoga, but I'm also using vapes as I'm just too miserable to stop - I try but I find it hard - I've got gum, but I always give in. So I feel bad about that, and then find exercise hard too. I know the advice is to get out there and do things I enjoy, but I feel like no-one knows what I've been through as a widow (I tried Widowed and Young), and I will try again. But also, it's hard for me to get out and do anything due to the kids - I have family, but not that close distance-wise and friends too, all who try their best. But no-one really lives in my skin and I just cry all the time.

I know it will get better, it has to. But in the meantime, can anyone give me any advice or something I can try. Thanks so much.

I've also been to the GP and had blood tests for the fatigue, but nothing showed up. She did sign me off work for a few weeks last year, but I am self-employed, so if I don't work, I don't get paid, so that keeps me a bit trapped too.

I am sorry you’ve had such an awful time. Sounds like you need time to grieve, rest and re-adjust to your life.

I also have c-ptsd and did EMDR/therapy and they can be exhausting, emotion is exhausting. Can you visit your GP and ask them to sign you off work for as long as they can?

If you can get some time off then don’t try to do too much with it, think old fashioned recuperation. Sleep, rest, stay in your PJ’s, eat your favourite foods, do your yoga, gradually sort the house. Have you got friends or family who can help you with the housework for a while?

Just seen your update about self employment. That’s difficult, but if you work 2 days a week then you’ve got 5 days R&R, don’t worry about “getting out there and doing things” it’s okay to do nothing if that’s all you feel up to.

Thank you so much. Yes, I do pretty much as little as I can on those days- but there's always something to be done, so I'm always chasing my tail - my kids are really busy and always need taking places etc, which is good - I'm glad they are enjoying themselves. Thank you.

Even with working part-time, being a single or widowed parent is very hard, especially with a ND child. You sound as if you are completely burned out, which is not surprising with zero breaks from solitary child care. Can anyone give you an overnight break once a fortnight or so - parents, siblings? Even if they re some distance away - a night to yourself is a game changer.

I do very occasionally get overnight breaks, yes, but not many. My DD has difficulties sleeping, so it's sometimes more stressful to have her calling me all night...thank you though, it is something I crave.