Let's start with a bit of background -
Been married almost 15 years. Been with husband since age 16. 2 kids age 14 and 9.
Husband has recently been diagnosed with BPD within last 12 months.
2008 (before marriage or kids) he had a TIA. No cause was investigated.
2014 he started to become 'depressed'. We had 2 miscarriages when he began to 'change'. Successfully having second child in 2015. Sex began to evaporate (on his part).
As the years went on he developed a whole lot of different symptoms including a lot of pain.
After 4 years of investigations he was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2018.
Early 2020 I got him referred to CMHT via crisis as he was feeling suicidal (no acts thankfully).
He lost his job during the pandemic and was unemployed for a year.
2022 he lost that job. He decided he didn't want to go to work and needed a rest because of all of his health conditions. I supported him and changed jobs to bring in a better wage to support us.
During that 18 months, eldest child was struggling at school and it became apparent that something was wrong. We are now waiting for ASD results and ADHD assessments. This is also starting to show in the youngest child.
Although he was home to take care of the kids whilst I worked, I still needed to sort the appointments, deal with his and the kids health and needs, plus the everyday stuff that needed doing. I began to burn out in August 2023. Broke down in November 2023. Quit my job and genuinely felt like I had gone mad and lost the plot. Forcing him to go back out to work because I couldn't cope working full time and doing everything else. (I did secure another job with better hours to fit around the kids and home life is a lot more calm for the kids now). Husband works 1pm to 10pm. I work 9am to 2pm. So it works well. He's a great dad and loves the kids a lot.
But... there is a however coming -
I mentioned previously our sex life began to evaporate some years ago. That side of things has not improved, not even when he was unemployed.
Secondly - there is literally no romance in our marriage. I am always the one to make plans for us, but I'm very limited as he doesn't like 'mingling' with people, he doesn't like clubs, bars, loud places etc. he's happy to go out for a meal, but it forever feels awkward. Like awkward silence when we have nothing to talk about.
He never compliments me. Never randomly gives me cuddles etc. only gives me a kiss when he or I am going to work or to say goodnight. It is very much a one sided relationship. If I initiate sex (which is every time), I am told to 'behave' or 'stop being greedy' or 'pack it in woman'. Can you imagine what that has done to me and my self esteem over the years? Or it will be 'I'm tired', 'my back hurts', 'I'm hurting', 'I'm sore', 'I'm not in the mood'. On an average it happens approx once a month, twice if I'm very lucky.
When he is home, he watches videos, films and sports on his phone. His head lives in his phone. When he's not doing that, he 'goes for a lie down' - claims he has about 45 minutes at a time naps but is up there 2/3 hours.
He never ever ever comes out with me if I'm going out with friends and their partners, I do a lot on my own. I try very hard to keep myself busy to distract me from this very lonely marriage.
I cannot tell you the last time I saw him smile or laugh.
I have reached out to his parents and closest sibling and in all honesty - there is no support. MIL will say I'm always here etc, but actually you are not. I tell you I'm struggling and I'm ready to call it a day and still you never check in?
My husband moved to my hometown away from his hometown for me in 2011. I've been so grateful to him for doing that, but I feel this put a huge strain on my relationship with my MIL as 'I took her son and grandchild away'. I have always tried very hard to include my in-laws but I am always pushed back the same way my husband does to me.
Is this a normal marriage with someone with BPD and fibromyalgia?
Over the past 6 months, I have continuously thought, you are doing it on your own so you might as well be on your own?
And of course, I have spoken to my husband about how I feel and he has recently started therapy and it always comes back to his 'conditions'.
Problems are though:
Where would he go if we split up? His family are not nearby and I would like him to have joint custody of the kids, but that wouldn't be possible if he moved back to his hometown.
I'm so lost, confused, lonely and quite frankly - uncertain.
I have suggested marriage counselling, but he refuses. It's taken us 4 years to get him to accept any kind of therapy. But I'm feeling very impatient now and worried I will make a decision on the here and now instead of looking at the future.
One more thing, last week I was extremely poorly, so so poorly that I felt the need to go to A&E as the doctors didn't seem to be listening. I asked him to take me (but would mean him taking the day off work), he couldn't miss work.
If I am ever unwell, he has something similar ten times worse. There's never any compassion for me.
Don't get me wrong, I know this thread will sound like all I care about is me me me, but it's not. I am just feeling at the end of my road with all of this and I don't know what to do. I am also part of carer support groups.
So anyone who has a partner with BPD - please reach out and tell me this is what this is, or is this not really the problem, is this just an excuse for his 'I'm comfortable' behaviour?
Thanks for reading x