Teenager - how to help

[TryConfuseddotmom]

Hi. I don’t know how to help my 17yo ds

he is very intelligent but didn’t reach his potential in gcse due to slow processing and had to leave his school for not meeting grade requirements. This really knocked him and he feels his life is pointless because he will never be able to do well in exams etc etc

he decided to join the military but has failed the medical with something he can’t appeal. He is devastated and feels his life is over And there’s nothing else he wants to do. He is definitely depressed and has isolated himself over the last year. He is also very angry.

I don’t know how to help him. It breaks my heart to see him like this and I’m terrified he might hurt himself. I can’t get him to see any medical professional. What can I do to support him?

That sounds really tough for him. And for you too. Have you tried the National Citizen Service? There are lots of initiatives in each region:

https://wearencs.com/local-community-experiences

That looks interesting but he won’t leave the house at the moment

Bump. I guess I’m asking the impossible - how do you help someone who doesn’t want help

Would he speak to the gp on the phone, with you there as well to speak for him if need be? I did this with my 16/17yr old ds when he was in crisis and it got the ball rolling.

The same could be said for a mental health crisis line - someone who understands and will
be patient:

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

Or a text messaging MH service:

www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/how-to-get-help-and-support/useful-contacts/

If your ds won't communicate with anyone, you will need to advocate for him as the situation may deteriorate. If he says he's not interested, or won't co-operate, you need to tell him that you will contact professionals either with or without his consent as you have his best interests at heart. It's harder when he's 18 so do it now!

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Will the GP speak to me? It’s hard because he can be so charming when he wants to be and people don’t see it (although he hardly sees anyone now)

Yes - I went toall the appointments with my son and also spoke to professionals about him on my own.

I also wrote a letter saying on behalf of my son to say that he was happy to for professionals to liaise on his behalf. Obviously he will need to consent and sign it, but if he doesn't you can still phone them up and arrange your own appointment to discuss him. I did this many, many times.

Maybe I should do that. He won’t consent to anything

If he presents himself well, only you know whats going on behind the scenes, so that's why you should speak to the professionals on his behalf (if he doesn't co-opérate). Particularly if you suspect depression.

If you think he will engage with eg a careers advisor or go to a college open day, then maybe try that first.

Just to get him out the house gym membership? Part time courses in something he likes

He’s at a sixth form college but doesn’t go. Has turned nocturnal. Has a gym membership but won’t leave the house

There are many students educating themselves from home. My son included.
If your son is intelligent he should be able to find all the relevant information free online, and use that alongside revision books. He can sit exams at an exam centre, or some local schools and colleges allow them to sit exams, you have to pay for cost of exam.

If the military appealed to him, what about the police? He can’t join until he is 18 but maybe it would motivate him to get the qualifications (most of the forces want a level 3 but only the equivalent of 2 a level passes) and do some community service, learn to drive etc.

He won’t do exams because his learning difficulty means he can’t do as well as he should. He also has little interest in the a level syllabus for the subjects he has interest in

What subjects is he interested in? What about an access to HE diploma which count as a level 3 (even if you don’t use it to go to university) No exams, all coursework. Distance courses available and could do it alongside the community work a pp suggested.
he has to want to though of course.

The problem is that he’s read up and learnt pretty much everything on his topics of interest to beyond a level. What he’s really lacking is intellectual conversations and I don’t know where we can get that for him if he won’t engage with education