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Mental health

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Original poster

bullied at work

18 replies

roseability · 30/03/2008 21:30

I have just come off ADS and was feeling miles better. Was just getting more confident at work and enjoying it again (nurse), my DS is 2 next week. I have just been off for a month (annual leave to use up) and today was my first shift back. The nurse in charge decided she didn't like my face (have worked with her a few times before and she is a miserable cow) and undermined me all day, pulling faces behind my back etc. I hate myself because I let her and played into her hands by being all childlike and sorry etc I thought I had got over my lack of self confidence and I feel really low again tonight because I feel I let myself down. I wish I had confronted her but just ended up getting all teary/sulky. What should I do? Just put it behind me? Confront her next time? Report her?

OP posts:

K999 · 30/03/2008 21:33

Tricky. You may be feeling a little overly sensitive about things...did you see her pull faces etc? If you did, I would report her and asap. She cannot get away with this kind of behaviour. It is unprofessional and extremely unkind. Is there anyone you can speak to about this? Do you have a Welfare officer or someone who is there to look after these kind of issues?

Freckle · 30/03/2008 21:34

Have a look here. The Andrea Adams trust deals specifically with work place bullying.

Nbg · 30/03/2008 21:43

If you saw her pull faces the best thing you could have done was confronted her there and then about it.
I know that its a very hard thing to do but you feel a million times better when you have done it and she would have wished the floor would have eaten her.

I would go into your next shift and really politely pull her to one side and tell her you saw what she was doing and that your there to work not to be undermined and have faces pulled behind your back.

If you dont think you can do that or that she may make things even harder for you, then speak to a superior about it and ask for this matter to be dealt with.

Bullying in any form is horrid but when you have to work round it, it just makes life crap.
I've been there so you have all my sympathy.

Original poster

roseability · 30/03/2008 21:45

I was told by another work colleague that she had pulled a face. She maybe shouldn't have got involved but sensed the dynamics between us and as someone who has been treated like shit herself, wanted to stick up for me. To be honest I could tell she was pissed off with me. I couldn't seem to find where anything was and if I asked it was 'how long have you worked here?'. Pointing out everything I did wrong but in a condescending way. If I asked for help, was made to feel stupid. I wasn't having a great day and maybe I was a bit sensitive. Didn't help when colleague tried to give me prep talk 'you shouldn't let people talk to you like a child and be more confident. How long have you been qualified etc?' She meant well but it just highlighted my doormat personality. The truth is I should be further in my career as I have a first class honours degree but I think my lack of confidence has let me down. Did take a year out with DS and only work part-time but should still be further up the ladder.

OP posts:

K999 · 30/03/2008 21:49

try not to worry about being further up the ladder etc....concentrate on doing the best you can and getting satisfaction from that. If you feel like you are needing more confidence, get yourself off to kick-boxing classes! That should help!

twotimestrouble · 30/03/2008 22:03

Others are so right. You must confront her. She is behaving like this because she can get away with it. Years ago something similar happened to me (with my boss humiliating me in a meeting and raising eyes to heaven behind my back)..... Is she your boss?

Anyway, I demanded a meeting and I told him in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour in front of colleagues and if it happened again I'd take it straight up the chain. He was completely on the back foot and he stayed well away from me from that point on. In fact interestingly the whole balance of power shifted and I could see he was afraid of me.

If you challenge her, this nurse might still hate you but she won't dare do it again. I personally don't think it's a good idea to respond to bullying immediately because it could become a slanging match. You must have the moral upper hand. So address it at a designated time and place and calmly. If you don't feel strong enough on your own ask a union rep, intermediary, or other manager to sit in with you - try to get someone impartial.

DON'T PUT UP WITH BULLYING.

newmummy27 · 30/03/2008 22:58

perhaps it might take you a couple of weeks to get in the swing of things again? personally i would avoid confrontation and be extra nice to her

Original poster

roseability · 31/03/2008 22:02

Why the hell should I be extra nice to her Newmummy?! Will take your advice twotimestrouble. Whilst I don't think it should turn into a slanging match, I absolutely think I should confront her now that I am feeling a lot calmer about it.

OP posts:

CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 31/03/2008 22:07

Do not be extra nice to her.

Ask for a meeting.Tell her how her behaviour upsets you.Make her understand that you know its going on and are prepared to challenge it.

If you are nervous about meeting with her,take a friend as a witness.They can just sit there and say nothing.

People like her thrive on you being weak.Be strong,have courage.Your a better person than her and you can overcome this.

Good luck!!!
x

notalone · 31/03/2008 22:14

would second what other people have said about being firm but fair. She sounds like a thoroughly nasty person but if you show her you mean business she should back down. It won't be easy and it will probably terrify you but you will feel so much better for it. Honest!!! Good luck xx

newmummy27 · 31/03/2008 22:38

sorry roseability, that came across in the wrong way.believe me, i have been in this situation, done the confrontation thing and it made things worse. sorry to have made you annoyed with me, didnt mean to :-( these people arent worth it. a friend once told me to get an ugly doll who represents this person and stick pins in it everytime she annoys you. worked for me anyway. hope you feel a bit better and sorry again

Heated · 31/03/2008 22:57

Firstly, congrats at getting back into the saddle. The first few weeks can be tough emotionally. I felt like I could burst into tears if anyone looked at me wrong at the beginning, without the pressure of having an unsympathetic & unkind colleague.

Personally I'd keep my head down and get on with my job BUT have in my head strategies for dealing with this pita so her unpleasantness doesn't take you by surprise again.

If YOU catch her pulling a face, say loudly in a tone of absolute amazement, "What on EARTH ARE YOU DOING??"

Then explain to her in patronising slow tones that after however many months absence it takes a while to familiarise oneself with the ward and routines. Your colleagues have been nothing but supportive and you'd like you to be too.

If having firmly dealt with her yourself and find you have to do so again, take it further. I doubt you'd be the only one to have complained about her.

Original poster

roseability · 01/04/2008 14:08

Newmummy not annoyed at you! My message came across wrong to. It was meant to be sort of jokey but didn't come across that way. I feel much better today thanks

OP posts:

twotimestrouble · 01/04/2008 16:17

Glad to hear things are going abit better today Rose. Have you had any more issues with her?

Original poster

roseability · 01/04/2008 19:15

I only do one shift a week so not on till next Monday night. Don't know when I will be working with her again but have decided I will have a word with her when I am. I will keep calm and professional and I feel it will do my confidence the world of good, to stand up to a bully. I was bullied badly as a child (at school and by my Dad) and it had a lasting effect on me. Being with my DS the last couple of days has helped, there are more important things than work I suppose. Thanks for all your lovely messages guys. I'm so glad I discovered mumsnet!

OP posts:

twotimestrouble · 01/04/2008 21:17

Good for you. It will do your confidence the world of good to gain the upper hand.

Unfitmother · 01/04/2008 21:23

Hope you are able to deal with her yourself but if you are not please bring it to your Ward Manager's attention. They have a responsibility to do something about it if you are unable. We must tackle bullying in the NHS.
Good luck!

pinkyminky · 01/04/2008 21:47

Roasbility
Make sure you do something about it. I have been bullied out of two jobs in my life. I was also bullied at school and I really regret not doing anything about it. It is not just you being over-sensitive- that is just something people say to make you doubt your own judgment. Good luck

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