Procrastination/lack of motivation - ADHD or depression related?

[WhatsTheProblemSarah]

Hey all,

This may be a longish post so apologies in advance. I was going to do a TLDR but I just don't think it's possible due to the amount of relevant info I need to include.

Long story short, I suffer with procrastination/motivation issues and was diagnosed with ADHD/Dyspraxia/Major Depressive Disorder when younger.

I'm in my 30s with what is by general standards not a bad life. I enjoy my job and earn into the early £40k's which isn't mega money, but living in a cheap part of the country and having no debt or plans to have kids I get by pretty well.

I rent a nice apartment in a nice area and would've had my own house by now if I hadn't decided to change jobs around five years ago and moved an hour from my hometown. I wasn't sure whether I'd stick at this so didn't want to commit to a mortgage. Could've earnt loads more staying in my graduate job but hated the environment and have a good balance now. I mostly enjoy my job.

I've got a fair amount of good friends, some I've known for 20+ years. I get on well in most work environments and always make friends/fit in.

I've had a few partners but something feels like it's missing. I'm in good health too and train 3x a week so I've got a good figure - can deadlift 140kg so I'm quite advanced in fitness/strength terms. I'm reasonably good looking and having a great body seems to elevate me in terms of my attractiveness to the opposite sex.

But I just feel flat and have done since I can remember. Like, I'm moving to a new plant tomorrow and need to get all my work gear out the car and wash it but it's been sitting there since Friday and I'm still lying on my bed scrolling. The fridge/freezer/cupboards are literally empty and I've been eating Huel nutrition shakes and fruit all weekend. Not unhealthy by any stretch but I had planned to drive five mins to the shops and get some proper food and was going to do this yesterday.

I was diagnosed with Dyspraxia/ADHD sometime before going into secondary school. I'd already been expelled from several schools due to my behaviour. Teachers basically just couldn't get me to pay attention, and when pressed I'd talk back although I wasn't generally disruptive. The incidents causing my expulsion were generally reactions to other kids winding me up - I threw a heavy metal ruler at a boy and split his lip/chipped his teeth, and I stabbed another two boys in the hand, one with a compass and one with a technical pencil which went right in.

I was sent to a school for kids with behavioural problems and it was pretty horrid. Lots of kids with serious issues from broken homes - e.g. boy next to me would repeatedly headbutt the table hard when stressed. There was a room called 'time out' which was used for kids that would start kicking off and I remember kids being forcibly removed from the classroom and put there - it was at least 90% boys in the school. I was put in there a few times to 'reflect on my behaviour' after talking back, although I was never violent.

The headmistress was quite scary and would shout at us. I remember somebody broke the new exercise bike (I think it was) and she threw it down hard on floor in assembly and shouted at us - I just remember it was a foldable bit of equipment. I also remember walking over to a group of boys she was talking to on the playing field and her saying "we don't want you over here, Twitchy Knickers." I also remember playfully winding up a boy on the bus (he often wound me up) and he punched me in the face, and the female bus attendent said I'd asked for it. Tbf, he was a nice kid usually but had temper issues.

I don't remember a whole lot as it was 20+ years ago but I feel like some of the stuff I saw defo wouldn't be acceptable now. There were defo some nice teachers too though.

I was put on Ritalin and it helped a lot. I went back into mainstream school and did great at my GCSE's but then stopped taking the Ritalin (mainly due to teenage rebellion I think) and scraped through my A Levels - dropped one topic and just about passed the other two. Got into a pretty average uni and got a good high 2:1 and a good job. However, I couldn't handle the job and found myself much happier in a hands on technical/plant job.

Maybe worth mentioning that I was bullied quite badly for a couple of years upon returning to mainstream school and had to eventually switch schools. I always had good friends but just didn't stand up for myself which made me a target. I think it may be because I'd had it drilled into me that violence wasn't the way after my outbursts in primary school. Ironically, I feel like a good slap around the face would've probs sorted most of the bullies out as the worst two were much smaller than me and weren't popular kids themselves - I feel they just picked on me because I was fairly popular but didn't stand up for myself. Nowadays I have no problem fighting my corner but if anything I'm too reactive to people taking the piss - I'm a rational person though so I don't get in much bother as I can assess when I need to take a deep breath.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at 16yo and tried both Sertraline and Flueoxetine. Also counseling but just struggled to talk to the guy - he eventually told my parents he "couldn't help me if I didn't want to be open with him" or words to that effect. I did thai boxing for years which helped much more and then after that lifted weights.

My parents were supportive but constantly argued throughout my youth and I feel in retrospect this affected me quite a lot as I was a really sensitive kid and I still seem to have abnormally high levels of empathy. I remember lying in my bed listening to them shouting for hours. My father is a really calm lovely guy but just seems defeated now after years of it. My mother is extremely controlling and a bit OCD and has always worn the trousers.

They would bend over backwards to help me financially etc and are always there for me but I've never been able to discuss my feelings with them as they just aren't those types of people. My mum grew up in a tough farming community amongst many siblings and my father grew up in extreme poverty, although they're very middle class now.

Anyway, I think I've given enough background now tbf. I've been on the waiting list to be rediagnosed for ADHD since January 2023 - won't prescribe me the meds without this as it's been years. I asked about the Right to Choose pathway in Sept 23 and they originally said might be better to go private if I want to expedite the process. However, when I called a few weeks later to push the RTC pathway they said they'd now referred me to Psychiatry UK. However, due to a mix up with my forms my application only went through on Dec 29th - four months after initially sent. So I've still got a 15 month wait after already waiting 16 months.

Reading back the above, I won't be surprised if people suggest it's depression but I've actually been doing OK in life for years and many people do alright after not having the best start in life. I was convinced it was just the dopamine deficiency aspect that was responsible for my lack of motivation. However, I recently read a leaflet on depression while waiting at my GP and had totally forgotten that lack of motivation is also part of depression. Maybe I've just got so used to it I don't consider myself depressed.

Doctors are always keen to bung people SSRIs and they don't supposedly help ADHD so I don't want to end up on the wrong meds. I'm just not sure whether I need Ritalin again to give me that drive or if I need antidepressants to give me a bit of lift. Ritalin helped me a focus a lot as a kid but procrastination wasn't such an issue then as your time is managed by others when at school - main issue for me was just lack of attention/staring out the window etc. SSRIs didn't really help but I was smoking loads of weed in my late teens and started taking ecstasy for a couple of years so maybe that affected it.

As I say, my life is OK on paper but I just have no motivation when there's the option of putting stuff off. I'm good when it's a black/white situation and I get all my work stuff done and force myself into the gym without fail.

Apologies for the epic rant. 🤣

You write beautifully, have you thought of journalling? One thing I would say is that, if SM were to be believed, we should be filling each and every day with meaningful and creative tasks. Bollocks. If you've been busy and feel like vegging all weekend then that's absolutely fine. But on the wider issue of feeling flat it could be that you need a goal to work towards. Maybe travelling or trying a new skill. What thoughts or dreams make your heart beat a bit faster?

Thanks. I actually studied English w/ Creative Writing at uni and had planned to go into journalism. I even had a sort of internship lined up but I ended up working with my mate in IT sales.

I grew sick of that and moved sideways into bid writing but that ended up being more project managing than actually writing and you never got to really write to the extent I'd hoped - always waiting for the input from senior colleagues and then having to put together a 100-150 page doc in a few days. There was far more cutting/pasting/modifying than writing from scratch.

I now work in an entirely unrelated construction adjacent sector and enjoy it more than any job I've done previously. When I was writing bids I felt like all my creativity was being wasted on boring activities and I couldn't ever read when I got home as I was sick of looking at words.

Now my creative side is purely reserved for my free time but I do feel my skills are wasted. I've been thinking about writing a blog or something for fun.

Good plan.

Does the lack of motivation actually bother you or is it more a case of you feel that you should be doing something but you'd rather be doing nothing?

It actually does bother me. I feel like everyday life is a slog. Not in the sense of 'struggling to get through'/being unhappy, but more in the sense that it takes superhuman effort to get motivated and it's been like that for years. I always feel like I'm just in reach of getting handle on it but something's missing.

See my example above of my fridge/freezer/cupboards frequently being empty because I can't be arsed to go shopping. Like completely empty aside from sauces and random bits of fruit. Washing piles up until I have to take it all to my parents and wash it where I've got space to do many loads and hang it all up.

It's not a case of 'being hard on myself' and feeling bad about allowing downtime.

OK, so would it be correct to say you don't see the value in doing the boring, adult stuff such as shopping and doing the washing?

If that's the case you could try instilling a mental reward strategy. I.e. once I've done the washing I will reward myself by going to the gym but I have to do that first. Or only when I've got some healthy food in I will flop and scroll for an hour. Once you've got a barter system in your head you might find it easier to achieve the things that don't excite you.

OK, so would it be correct to say you don't see the value in doing the boring, adult stuff such as shopping and doing the washing?

No, I do totally see the value. I know doing it regularly is much less hassle than leaving things till they become bigger tasks.

Having been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid I know l possess less dopamine in my brain which is the 'reward' chemical that helps you see the benefit in doing things - e.g. in animal studies the animals with higher dopamine completed the tasks that gave the higher rewards whilst the ones with lower dopamine consistently went for the easier ones.

I'm not sure how effective it is to try and use psychological strategies to try and combat a neurological issue given that I've tried without meds for over a decade. I see a lot of people with ADHD struggling with exactly the same issues and benefiting massively from medication. However, I also wonder if I'm still suffering low level depression which might affect motivation too.

I'm defo not a hypochondriac as I've ignored it for years but I'm starting to feel like maybe I need to actually embrace it and try the time tested medications like others do.

Have you tried therapy since the unsuccessful counselling when you were 16?

No, I haven't. I sometimes wonder if it might be worth revisiting but tbh I'm mostly sorted in my life. I just feel like I need that little bit more oomph. That's why I'm thinking a stimulant ADHD med might help.

I get through work OK, manage most aspects of my life. It's just the other stuff that can be put off that I'm bad with. But incidentally that's the stuff that really makes you happy. Like, I need to start going on some dates again but I've just been putting it off. For no reason really. I go to work, hit the gym, see my friends, but apart from that I seem to spend most of my time procrastinating over doing stuff.

I was quite happy when with my ex a few years back but we split up amicably due to our jobs taking us in different directions - I moved 45 mins away and work long hours so barely saw each other in the week. Been meaning to get back out there but just seem to be drifting along. On paper nothing's stopping me but I just seem to spend my free time thinking about what I need to do and not sorting it. Trying to just push through doesn't really work in the long term as it never becomes a routine, always feels hard to get motivated.

That's why I'm thinking maybe I need to go back on Ritalin or maybe even antidepressants to pick me up a bit. I don't feel depressed though. Just struggle with motivation.

I never comment on medication because I'm not qualified to do so but it seems a shame to use a sledgehammer to crack a nut when it could be that a part of your subconscious needs to be given the task of looking after the stuff you're putting off.

Anyway, whatever you choose I hope it works for you 😊

With women , low serotonin can also be an issue coupled with the low dopamine. I can just about manage my ADHD but I forget that life is also meant to be fun. I'm working on that side. I've also been considering that I have autistic traits which help me to manage my ADHD but also make it harder - too much structure gets dull but I won't let total chaos reign either. I think it's all about trying to embody balance and looking after health is key. I've been reading books and podcasts as much as I can on ADHD. I am medicated though, I think if I wasn't I'd probably be relying on caffeine.