People pleasing

Eyesopenwideawake · 12/04/2024 14:41

These sort of issues (almost) invariably have their roots in childhood. Did you eat together as a family when you were young? Was there any tension/rules about eating from a parent or other significant adult? Or a particular episode you can recall?

Original poster

itspastanight · 12/04/2024 17:50

Hmmm… 🤔 not any issues that I remember. We all ate together fine. I think it’s a shyness thing. I was very shy growing up, back in secondary school myself and my group of friends wouldn’t eat or would eat discreetly. I think it stemmed from the boys maybe calling one of them fat or something before. But personally I was just embarrassed to eat in front of boys.

As an adult it’s carried on, my first job I used to eat my lunch in the toilet, this carried on into my second job where the manager asked me if I had been in the toilet all lunch break. I used to work in an environment full of women. I still do but the shared break rooms are full of random people, maybe around 20. Imagine a school canteen with chairs. My little work group always want to sit in the middle of the room and I feel so self conscious. They sit there comparing and enjoying their lunch like it’s nothing. Today I sat by myself in a separate area and I think they noticed something was off with me, I just said I need to make a couple of calls.

The example at the funeral… I don’t think it is particularly focused on food. I think it could be anything enjoyable or anything that I need or want, I think I don’t deserve or I think that others think that about me. So things like food, I don’t want people to see me enjoying any of it. I am very independent and I don’t ask anyone for favours, money or anything. I always give help to people and I'm very generous. I am a bit of a pushover and tend to do things I don’t want to, just to make others happy. I would hate to see someone be inconvenienced by having to help me out, but doing it for others is fine. I just can’t find the source of why.

OP posts:

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 12/04/2024 17:56

I’m the same as you OP, I’ve even been accused of having an eating disorder because I hate eating in front of people so much, and also say no to things when I mean yes.
I know where mine stems from - my father used to criticise every little thing about me including the way I ate and would make a huge deal about it - saying I crunched too loudly etc. As op said it’s likely to have been triggered in childhood by something. It’s a horrible feeling and one I can’t shake. Even though nobody else has commented on the way I eat, my fathers words always take over.

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 12/04/2024 18:03

The paragraph you wrote about not feeling deserving, being a push over and not wanting to put anyone out also resonates with me. I’ve had a lot of struggles In my life, but will not ask anyone for help. I feel not deserving and an inconvenience. I’d rather die than ask for help. Again this was down to my childhood and how my parents made me feel.
Did you have any siblings? Were any of them favoured over you? Did you feel that you could rely on your family in times of need? Were they supportive? Were they critical of you?

Eyesopenwideawake · 12/04/2024 18:26

my group of friends wouldn’t eat or would eat discreetly. I think it stemmed from the boys maybe calling one of them fat or something before. But personally I was just embarrassed to eat in front of boys.

I would put money on that being the time that a part of your subconscious mind decided not eating in front of anyone was a good strategy, because then there was no danger of ridicule. That's been expanded over time to not wanting people to see you enjoying yourself. And food is the ultimate expression of enjoyment (well, along with sex but that tends to be a private matter anyway!). You can fix this, even if you don't consciously know the 'why' of it. Your mind does.

Original poster

itspastanight · 12/04/2024 20:52

Wow some really good thoughts there. My parents are alcoholics, used to argue all the time, but we were loved a lot. My mum has an obsession with not making a sound when you eat or opening your mouth, or talking. Well they are just basic manners but she takes it to the extreme. I’m like it as well (inside) hate the sound of other people eating. But I know my thoughts are unreasonable so I keep them to myself. I am basically shy to eat in front of people, I think I am worried people will judge me but I don’t know why because logically I know it’s silly.

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Mama1026 · 12/04/2024 20:56

itspastanight · 12/04/2024 12:56

I’ve always been a people pleaser but I’ve just remembered something that I’ve always done, and I can’t understand why. I like to eat alone as I have always been shy to eat in front of people I don’t know well. I’ve been trying to tackle this especially at work with large shared lunch rooms. Not so much of an issue if I am in a group of people I work closely with.

If someone says oh you’ve got a sandwich today that’s nice, or looks nice, is it nice? Does anyone want some cake? Anything like that, I automatically try to say no, either it wasn’t very nice, or no I don’t want any. EVEN IF I DO!!! What on earth is the reasoning behind this? I went to a funeral a while ago and I practically starved myself from the morning till the night as I was too embarrassed to eat food in front of the big group. I would even go as far as eating something nice and if someone asks is it nice I would pretend and say no or too sweet etc and put it in the bin!!! This isn’t a frequent thing but I have done it in the past.

I used to be exactly the same!!! For a very long time! I used to be bigger than I am now, I lost a lot of weight but I'm no longer shy to eat in front of people! When I was younger I was incredible my shy even if family were to offer me food! I had siblings I'd fight with and name call "fat" I wasn't morbidly obese but I wasn't slim either! It's horrible but now I feel like I can eat because the size I am now without people judging me!

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 12/04/2024 20:57

@itspastanight you have answered your own question with your update. Your mums obsession was similar to my fathers criticism of me eating and your mother has passed that obsession onto you - that’s the root cause.
I don’t know how to overcome it though because I can’t.

Original poster

itspastanight · 12/04/2024 21:27

@ASeagulStoleMyIceCream I think you might be right 👍

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Eyesopenwideawake · 12/04/2024 21:43

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 12/04/2024 20:57

@itspastanight you have answered your own question with your update. Your mums obsession was similar to my fathers criticism of me eating and your mother has passed that obsession onto you - that’s the root cause.
I don’t know how to overcome it though because I can’t.

Yup, nailed it. Again, it's something that's deep-rooted in your subconscious but it CAN be changed. As a first step have a look at this article on core beliefs;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Pleasegotobed · 12/04/2024 21:48

I also find this an issue OP. I’m not sure about dealing with the roots of it; but in practise I’ve found it helpful to develop stock responses I can say without having to think about it. E.g. ooh yes it’s delicious. And just say it. The first time you will have to force yourself, but it gets easier and easier. I don’t really have an issue with it at all now - if there’s a situation where I anticipate I might feel uncomfortable, I prepare a few things I can say in any scenario and employ them. I think of it like hacking the system 🤣

Original poster

itspastanight · 13/04/2024 06:41

@Pleasegotobed exactly, now that I’m fully aware of what I’m doing I will just reply truthfully. Need to break the habit!

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