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I don’t know how to help my brother- advice needed

13 replies

Sandflea9900 · 11/04/2024 16:03

My brother has been out of work for 7 years. Because he quit his job he can’t claim benefits and has been living off his savings. I believe he has mental health issues and depression. He’s very fragile emotionally and I doubt he could currently hold down any job at the moment. His savings are running out now so something has to give before he loses his flat.

He refuses see his GP. I’ve tried to help him by cleaning his flat (in a shocking state) and trying to give him some routine to his life. Next step was going to small daily tasks, practice concentrating again (he hasn’t had to do that in years and struggles now) followed by some retraining on modern apps like Teams.

It’s not going well. He struggles with the smallest, simplest of tasks. Everything is done super slowly if at all. He complains that I’m not helping him enough but I don’t know what else to do, and the time I can give him is limited, given my own responsibilities and work. If he moves in with me or with our parents he’ll never leave, and/or come to blows as he’s difficult to get on with. Plus it won’t help the underlying problem, which is that he won’t work. He says I need to be slower and more patient with him, but he’s had 7 years to get a job, and time (and money) is running out, so that is a luxury he no longer has. But I can’t face the prospect of him being on the streets.

Practical suggestions on how to help him really welcomed as I am out of ideas and hate seeing him like this.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 11/04/2024 21:52

Hello OP,
What a difficult situation.
You are very kind, trying to help your brother!

It sounds like you are really trying your best to help him help himself, but it's not easy.
Does he have any friends? Someone else that can also be a support to him?
Does he realise he is running out of money? Does he have any kind of plan?

I am not from the UK, so I don't really know how it works, but can he get some kind of help/support from social services or something similar? Or perhaps he needs to see a GP first, and he doesn't want that?

Hopefully someone else here will have some more advice for you!
Again, you are a very kind.

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:45

I am a recluse and out of work for many years due to severe anxiety and depression and sadly on benefits which I hate.
He complains that you don't help him enough!? Wow... I have 5 sisters and I would NEVER expect them to clean my flat ever. I wouldn't even let my mum do that. Sounds a bit like you are enabling him in that way. Unless he has a physical disability then I take that back.

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:47

Why does he think that You should be the one doing this? I really don't understand that. I appreciate that you don't like to see him suffer. Are you older or younger?

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:52

I am only saying that bc you said he is refusing to go to the GP and in other words get help.

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:57

You have your own life to live. If he is refusing medical help then that is not your fault.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 23:00

You and your parents really shouldn't have him to live with you. He will never leave if you do and it won't do him any good. Your own lives will be destroyed if you do.

Does your local college have any return to work schemes for long-term and employed?

overthestorms · 11/04/2024 23:35

Hi OP, I'm in Scotland so what I say might be different where you are.

If you can get your brother to speak to his GP he could referred to a community mental health team (in my area you can't self refer) They can provide all sorts of support for him - not just with his MH but practical issues such as getting on top of his house, money etc..

If he refuses to attend the GP, call them and explain the situation and your concerns. They can then offer further advice / guidance.

Waffleson · 11/04/2024 23:43

He needs to see the GP not only to get treatment but also so that he can be signed off sick and have access to benefits so that he doesn't end up homeless. Would he start with a phone appointment?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2024 23:47

Stop "helping" him entirely and completely. It's not helping.

Tell him you love him but you are no longer going to stand by, watch him implode, and be whinged at for not doing more, even though nothing you do is ever enough. He has to want to help himself and you are not his punching bag.

Sandflea9900 · 14/04/2024 14:58

SkaneTos · 11/04/2024 21:52

Hello OP,
What a difficult situation.
You are very kind, trying to help your brother!

It sounds like you are really trying your best to help him help himself, but it's not easy.
Does he have any friends? Someone else that can also be a support to him?
Does he realise he is running out of money? Does he have any kind of plan?

I am not from the UK, so I don't really know how it works, but can he get some kind of help/support from social services or something similar? Or perhaps he needs to see a GP first, and he doesn't want that?

Hopefully someone else here will have some more advice for you!
Again, you are a very kind.

He only really has one friend. He’s never been in a relationship. He’s clearly very lonely but without money it’s difficult to get him out and meeting people.

He knows he’s running out of money but has no plan whatsoever. Doing anything seems to be beyond him at the moment. I’m trying to help him take small positive steps but he says I’m rushing him. But he’s running out of time so that’s just not an option now.

I think he does need medical help but he refuses to see a GP, either on his own or with me 😕

OP posts:
Sandflea9900 · 14/04/2024 14:59

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:45

I am a recluse and out of work for many years due to severe anxiety and depression and sadly on benefits which I hate.
He complains that you don't help him enough!? Wow... I have 5 sisters and I would NEVER expect them to clean my flat ever. I wouldn't even let my mum do that. Sounds a bit like you are enabling him in that way. Unless he has a physical disability then I take that back.

He doesn’t have a disability, but after 7 years of this I felt I had to try and do something, and I thought that improving his home environment might help lift his mood a little.

OP posts:
Sandflea9900 · 14/04/2024 15:01

JustAnotherSteve · 11/04/2024 22:47

Why does he think that You should be the one doing this? I really don't understand that. I appreciate that you don't like to see him suffer. Are you older or younger?

There isn’t anyone else he can turn to. Our DP are in their 80s and our DF won’t really talk to him anymore due to his behaviour. He only really has one friend, so it’s me or nothing.

OP posts:
Sandflea9900 · 14/04/2024 15:02

Waffleson · 11/04/2024 23:43

He needs to see the GP not only to get treatment but also so that he can be signed off sick and have access to benefits so that he doesn't end up homeless. Would he start with a phone appointment?

I don’t know, but I like the idea. He might find that less intimidating than a face to face appointment. Thanks - I’ll suggest it to him.

OP posts:
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