Was I emotionally neglected by my mum?

[thedivebar]

Name change for this. This is about my childhood and how I was treated off my parents - especially my mum, and family members from mums side. The purpose of this is for 1) write/off load my feelings for the first time ever and 2)hopefully get some outsider perspective 3) to see if anyone else has similar experiences & if you have any advice for me or can help me understand how I feel and finally 4) avoid making the same mistakes or causing emotional damage to my two children.

This post might be a bit jumpy and ‘all over the place’ but I am so confused about how I feel and to be honest I’m sick of feeling like this. I will talk about my childhood and I will talk about the person/parent I am today and see if anyone else can make sense of my personality because lord knows I’ve tried and i can’t.

So I grew up as an only child but my sibling was born when I was 12 (surprise menopause baby apparently). We had a nice home which was always tidy and warm and food in the cupboards etc. Some nice holidays. I wasn’t a spoilt child in anyway but all but I had all I needed and most of what I wanted but it was always made very clear by my parents that they had to work very hard to take me on holiday, buy me birthday/Christmas presents etc. it was always made clear (especially by my mum) that they ‘bent over backwards’ for me and there was always a lot of guilt tripping. I clearly remember always feeling very guilty even as a young child. Which is not a feeling a child can or should understand in my opinion. I often felt very lonely as a child at home as well. Not at school as I always had lots of friends but at home I felt sad and lonely.

From a very young age, im talking like 5/6 years old, I remember my mum crying and using guilt and emotional blackmail if I ever was naughty or cheeky.
Looking back I don’t think I was truly naughty, just a normal child pushing buttons. I remember being told off both my parents that I owed them and that I don’t know how lucky I am.

I had a boy heavy family, lots of cousins who were all boys apart from one girl cousin who is 2 years older than me. She had some health problems and didn’t have many friends. Because of this my mum told me I should feel sorry for her and be her best friend etc. I had to spend most weekends and school holidays with her at her house or mine. I would say 90% of the time she was vile to me and I don’t know where this stemmed from. Cutting a very long story short, I absolutely hated her, she was horrible to me and made me feel like a piece of shit and so did her mother (my mums sister). My self esteem was stamped on and even as a very young child I can remember how I was disliked and kind of just used for her company and entertainment. I remember in late primary school when my friends would be playing out locally, I’d have to take her along or not be allowed To go as all my free time was reserved for my cousin and this forced friendship I never wanted. I remember feeling like my thoughts and feelings weren’t valid and that I wasn’t important.
In my late teens I finally realised that I was a young adult and I had the choice of spending time with his horrible cousin/friend of mine. I will admit I took great delight in telling my mum I never ever wanted to see this cousin again and from now on I won’t be forced into spending time with her. As it stands today, I can go literally years without seeing her. My mum invited her to my baby shower and I didn’t speak a word to her. She text me asking could she meet my new baby and I didn’t reply. She hasn’t met either of my children and I like it that way.

From the ages of about 17 - 20 I felt depressed and down and felt like i didn’t want to be here. It was a very hard time and I tried to talk to my mum and say I felt depressed and wanted to go to the doctors. She told me not to be ridiculous and there’s nothing In my life to be sad about and that I was ungrateful. Meanwhile she is taking my cousin on days out, for her hair done, out for meals etc to cheer her up because she doesn’t have many friends. I don’t think I need to say how much this hurt me.

Me today…

I have a good job despite always struggling with confidence and self esteem and feeling like I’m not important.

As a parent.. I consider my two children and how they both feel in every single situation they are in.
I would say becoming a mum has given me a new confidence I’ve never had before and I am absolutely not afraid of speaking up for them and I will make it my life mission to make sure they grow into confident boys who will never be afraid to tell other children and adults what they want and how they feel. My oldest is only 2.5 and from before he could even probably understand I ask him is he happy or if he wants to do something or if he wants to play with a certain child. I make it perfectly clear to every everyone that my children always have (literally from being babies) and always will have a CHOICE in who they spend their time with and what they do (obviously within reason). When my oldest son was born I told my mum before she even met him that his thoughts and feelings and wants come before anything. Obviously same goes for my new baby now too.

My daily battle in my head is, did my mum emotionally neglect me? By putting other peoples wants/feelings before her own daughter? Has it impacted on the way I am today?
I can honestly say I would be devestated if my children ever felt a fraction of the way I felt as a child. If there’s one thing I want them to know, it’s that they are the centre of mine and their dads whole world and their feelings are always most important to us above anyone else’s. My partner 100% agrees and supports me.

As far back as I can remember as a very young girl I felt unimportant and like a pain in the arse and like no one cared how I felt or wanted to listen to me. But because I was ‘looked after’, had clean clothes, nice warm home, holidays etc I was always told by my parents I should be lucky I’m here and that I owe them my life and so on.

there’s loads more I could elaborate on if
people want to ask.
I feel very complex. What I have wrote here is just the tip of the iceberg

Thanks if you read to the end and I hope it makes sense :(

Sorry i want to add…
I was also often ridiculed as a child/young teen. If said cousin was on a diet (she was always overweight) then I too was told to go on a diet and my mum would say ‘see, she needs to go on a diet too’. I remember being in primary school at this stage.

my mum and auntie would also take the piss out of my choice of clothes, hair, make up etc (when I was a young teen trying to make bold choices) in order to make said cousin laugh. It made me very self conscious and even today as an adult I am self conscious and wear the same style clothes all the time (jumpers and leggings) because I just don’t feel comfortable to show any of my body in fear others will mock me.

the elaborate on the depression thing also… my mum also said a depressed person can’t have a job, go out, have friends etc. therefore I can’t be depressed. I could never imagine saying this to one of my children

You need to change your perspective. What does it achieve when you only look back and focus on the negative ?

You could consider that your mum did the best that she could do in the circumstances at the time - it might not have been right for you but it doesn't appear that the intention was to harm you or belittle you.

You could consider that despite what you feel was a difficult childhood, you still had the strength to stand up and say that you wouldn't be your cousin's punching bag any longer.

You could consider that you have done yourself proud in overcoming depression, holding down a job, finding a partner who loves you and having two lovely children. I'm not saying that you should consider yourself lucky for this but more that you should consider that you've achieved it for yourself because you have been determined and resilient.

Please take stock of what you have achieved and what it would do to you to constantly focus on the bad bits of the journey to get you to where you are.

You sound like a mum who is very much aware of your children but please don't go to the opposite extreme and focus on them so much that you lose yourself again. You matter too.

Firstly, yes @thedivebar you were emotionally neglected and also emotionally and mentally abused to an extent. The ridicule and bullying behaviour which you experienced at the hands of your mum, Aunty and cousin was unacceptable. Not that it makes it any better but I wonder if there was some jealousy at play there ? They seen something you in you that they secretly envied? Either way, it was completely wrong and you weren’t to blame.

Of course you can’t change the past and you don’t want to stay stuck forever in the past, but it can be massively helpful to your present and future for you to identify and acknowledge what went on. And then to take the necessary steps to heal (journaling, creative dance, counselling etc) before you move on rather than just brushing it under the carpet because “ it’s in the past”

However the first steps on the healing journey can be painful as you come to terms with what has happened

Don’t let anyone minimise your pain or make you rush things. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, take some time to process what happened and how it’s affected you. And reflect on how you can start swapping the cruel lies your family told you for some self-esteem boosting truths about you.

I read somewhere the effects of emotional abuse and neglect can often be similar to the impact of sexual abuse. That’s how serious it is.

Do you have good friends or trusted family you can speak to? Is there a counselling service you can access? Would going low contact with your mum work while you figure things out? Be kind to yourself, and Take things at your own pace!

It was crap and emotionally abusive , yes.
However, you are not that child anymore. You need to do some work either by yourself or with the help of a professional to try and silence those voices and the limits they impose in your head. Harder said than done I know.

@Blistory op was ridiculed was forced to go diets, made fun to make cousin better. How could that be her mum did the best she could in the circumstances.

Op, can you try therapy?

Yes and on some level I think you know that as your post is clear and concise. I would say that neglected little girl in you could do with some love and care and therapy would be a good idea. Good luck. I agree that you can move on from the past but it is easier said than done, for sure. It is ok to ask for help with this, even though it is really hard to trust others when we have been so let down by our parents.