Hi. This is a long one but I need to get this out.
I am 24 and my DM was 63. She passed away 3 weeks ago from a stroke.
We had a complicated relationship in recent years. DM had MH issues her entire life, but my childhood was happy. She was a single parent and both her parents were gone, so had no support and no money. But she gave me everything. Always taking me out to activities, playing with me, reading to me. I have so many happy memories with her.
But when I was 18 we had a major falling out.
I was struggling with (at the time, undiagnosed) ADHD which became more severe and apparent after I left school and was at sixth form. The lack of structure and discipline caused me to unravel. So I would miss lessons, lie in bed all day, didn't do chores. Was constantly messy/disorganised/late to things, failed several driving tests etc. Neither myself or my DM at the time knew that it was ADHD, and she grew increasingly frustrated with my behaviour.
I also started dating a woman who was older than me which my DM wasn't happy with, me being gay came as a shock to her and she also wasn't happy about the age difference. I should have listened at the time as that relationship should not have happened at all, but I was 18 and thought I knew better. At the time my DM was also struggling with grief over having lost DB to alcoholism a couple of years prior, on top of her existing MH issues.
One day I was at my part time evening job and I sent a text to DM to say I wouldn't be coming home that night as I was staying out at my then girlfriend's. This tipped her over the edge and she sent me a long message message saying that when I came home the next day, my belongings
would be in bags ready for me to take away as she didn't want me in the house
any longer as she couldnt cope with my behaviour and my life choices. She wasn't aware I had ADHD at the time so to her I was just taking the p* essentially. So the next day I collected my stuff and moved in with the girlfriend.
A few weeks later my DM got back in contact, apologised profusely for what she had done, said she regretted it and asked me to move back in. But by that point I was so angry at her, I declined. I was massively stubborn – at 18 I didn't have the empathy I do now to understand that my DM was struggling and she wasn't a malicious person. But at the time that was what I believed. I couldn't see the forest for the trees so to speak, I seemed to just completely forget about the truly fantastic relationship we had beforehand. She became my worst enemy. But up until 18 she was my best friend. Every night I'd come in from work, and before that, from school, and we would just sit together in the kitchen or living room, being daft, joking, laughing, singing, having the best time. I absolutely adored her and vice versa. And despite my ADHD I did provide for her and help her in the ways I could manage. I lent her money (she was on benefits due to disability), would go and get groceries for her, help her with things she needed. But honestly after she kicked me out it's like I went into a mind blank and forgot about all of these things, I only remembered recently when going through our chat history on Messenger.
So after she kicked me out I went NC for a couple of years, spurred on by my gf at the time (who turned out to be a terrible person and to be quite honest, played a huge part in radicalising me against my DM. For context I was 18 when we got together and she was 34, it was essentially grooming but I didn't realise that at the time). When I split up with that girlfriend at the age of 20 my relationship with DM went from NC to LC as the ex was no longer over my shoulder encouraging me not to contact her, but I was still cold toward my DM as I was still hurt from the fallout. Would leave her texts unanswered for weeks, would reluctantly go to meet her once every few months but I would be cold and curt in our interactions.
Then around a year ago, DM had a mini stroke and was hospitalised for a few days. It came as a shock and caused me to reflect on the entire situation. I began to feel more empathetic toward her and her actions. I think she probably had undiagnosed ADHD as well, for many reasons including the fact that she often acted impulsively and sometimes irrationally, and experienced very intense emotions. So having thought about this I understood why she did what she did and vowed to start putting in more effort to reply to her, see her etc. We still weren't the same as we were before the fallout, it still felt slightly tense. But I tried. We met for lunch every few months, I would see her at Christmas and we would occasionally take my niece and nephew out on day trips.
And as time went on over the last year and I reflected more and more, I started to feel really loving toward her again. In recent months I had been reminiscing on all of our lovely memories, our adventures, remembering her funny sayings and mannerisms etc. And all the lovely things she has done for me.
I vowed to myself that I would rebuild our relationship and go back to how we were before. For example, I promised myself I'd buy her tickets for the Strictly tour the next time it came around because we both loved Strictly and used to watch it together. Around 3 weeks before she passed, a thought popped into my head that I wanted to organise a night in with her where we'd sit together, have a glass of wine, and talk about all of our memories. But I never got around to arranging it.
This is where my ADHD comes in. The main symptom my ADHD for me is complete and utter executive dysfunction. I was only formally diagnosed last year although I've known I've had it for years, and I haven't been medicated yet due to the current medication shortage. My life is and always has been a mess of unfinished tasks – I never get round to doing the things I say I'm going to do. My house is always a mess, I have so many unresolved admin issues and I have lost countless friendships over the years because I'm absolutely terrible at keeping in touch with people. It's not that I don't want to speak to/see people, because I want it more than anything. But picking up the phone and getting in touch with people almost always feels impossible to me due to my disorder and the additional depression/anxiety it causes.
Here's another thing.
2 days before my DM died I was walking down my stairs late at night and I felt a tapping sensation on my shoulder. Looked around to see if anything had fallen on me, and nothing had. The first thought that came into my mind was - what if DM has died? I should really call to check on her.
But again, I didn't.
Two days later, I was at work. A family member called me to say DM had been rushed to hospital with a stroke. I went to the hospital immediately, but she was unconscious when I got there and died an hour or so later. It was the worst day of my life. I spent the rest of the day in floods of tears and couldn't stop vomiting. And now almost 3 weeks later I am still absolutely shellshocked and devastated. I just cannot get over the loss. I absolutely hate myself for not making more of an effort with her, for not telling her how much she meant to me. I feel like I have absolutely no right to grieve and that everyone at the funeral must have been wondering why I was crying so much when we barely had a relationship. I also feel like I probably contributed to her death in some way. She wasn't in the best of health as she had a heart condition, type 2 diabetes, high BP and obviously the mini stroke last year. But I honestly the stress of our strained relationship probably contributed to her health issues. She was heartbroken over losing me and she tried so hard during the years we were NC/LC and I just wasn't receptive at all because I was a stubborn, naive idiot who didn't understand the fragility of life and the importance of rebuilding our relationship.
She was unconscious when I got to the hospital so I couldn't speak to her, although I still wanted to but I was too embarrassed as there were other family members sitting around the bed. I can't get over the fact that I didn't get to tell her how much I love her. I want to believe that in some ways she knew, because for example last year I was in a shop on a trip to Scotland and saw an ornament I thought she'd like. It was a hedgehog made out of a pinecone, a hand-crafted thing, and she absolutely adored arts and crafts - it was her life - so I bought it for her. The first gift I'd bought her in a long long time. When I went into her house the other day with my sister, that hedgehog was front and centre on my DM's mantelpiece. It sounds stupid but that hedgehog is literally the only thing keeping me clinging on and probably the only reason I haven't killed myself yet, because I remember how happy she was when I gave her the gift. But that just isn't enough. I should've done so much more because I truly adored her, deep down, I always always have and I was just too much of an idiotic, stubborn and lazy adhd-riddled coward to actually do anything about it.
I just cannot see a way out of this. The guilt and regret are eating me alive. I can't stop crying, I feel sick to my stomach constantly. I can't face going to work, and I am at an absolutely pivotal point in my career - I am responsible for a huge event that is happening a month from now and at the moment i can't even face logging into my emails, it is beginning to fall apart and I can't get myself to stop it.
Last night I dreamt that I saw her, I was at some event in a huge church and I saw her walking into the room and heading to go and sit down at the back. I followed her, said something like "I thought you were dead?!?!" and she said "no, I was a bit ill, but I didn't die". I was ecstatic, didn't stop hugging her, and she said "but kokomako, if I get ill again, will you come and live with me and look after me?" to which I replied yes, of course I will. Then I said "hang on, if you're alive, where have you been living?" she replied "I don't know!" and laughed, at which point it hit me that it wasn't real, it was a dream and she was still dead. I can't even describe the feeling I had when I woke up.
Over the last week or so I've been feeling suicidal as I can't see a way out of this. I feel I don't deserve to be alive and I won't be happy ever again because I'll never ever get over this regret. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is my 7 year old niece who absolutely adores me and I know it would destroy her if I died. But I don't know how much longer that thought will outweigh the crushing darkness inside of me. My DM was such a lovely lovely woman who dealt with some awful things in her life and now I understand she was still just a little girl inside, it was her first try at life just like it is for all of us, she might have made mistakes but she was such an amazing person. The turnout at her funeral was huge because she spent her life working with various charities, community groups, always helping people, she was such a huge character and a ray of light but she was probably going through hell inside due to my horrific behaviour.
I don't know what to do. I can't see a way out of this.