Socialising with children

[Londonforestmum]

Wasn't sure where to put this. Does anyone find socialising with their child very stressful? I'm a single parent and get v lonely when it's just me and my son for very long. So I try and plan to meet friends with kids etc, but nearly always find it incredibly stressful. He is 3.5 yo. I think it's a combo of him being not the easiest child and me being quite anxious in general and socially anxious too.

He doesn't play well with other children. I'm constantly breaking up fights when we go to other people's houses or they come to ours. When people come over here their kids totally wreck the place. When out I feel like I am constantly trying to fit in with other people's agendas, cajoling him from one thing to another (ie he happily stay in the playground/play in mud/whatever else but the others have decided it's time to move on). I end up not looking after him properly as I'm trying to make conversation with people (which is a struggle in itself) And it makes me feel like an awful parent.

Is there an answer to this? Should I just admit defeat and spend more time alone with him. I think local meet ups that don't last too long are quite good as it takes the edge of the loneliness but isn't too draining. Easter hols has knocked us off balance without usual routines.

Have just spent all night awake since 2am from the stress of a day out yesterday with friends and their kids :-(

It's the age my son is now 4 and a half but I could have written this a year ago. In that year the cooperative play has developed so much and now he actually plays with his peers. You say he isn't great with other kids. Does he go to nursery? I found it great for improving their understanding of sharing and playing at that age.

He started nursery in September, and was at a childminder before that. He's actually nearly 4. Nursery have said the same thing, that he doesn't play very well with other children, takes things off them, teases them, throws things at them, prefers to do his own thing, they asked me if anything had changed at home. He just wants me to play with him ideally when we're out. I've noticed he actually goes out of his way quite often to do things that knows will upset other children. I'm hoping it is a phase.

I feel like if I was a more chilled and calm person I'd be able to deal with it.

I don't think it's just his behaviour that makes the whole thing stressful. But it doesn't help. And is also increasingly a bit of a worry.

Does he socialise much in bigger groups like nursery or play groups? At 3.5 I wouldn’t expect to have to keep breaking up fights or have to do much input to the playing if you’re there watching. I have a similar age dd and at this age can now just sit chatting to the other mums whilst the kids all play together. At 2.5 a lot more input was needed. But she’s been going to nursery since she was a year old, she’s very used to playing with others. She’s also going to school in September so we’ve been working on her independence. Will your ds be going to school this year or has he got another year?

He's been at nursery/preschool since September. Before that with a childminder who looks after 3 or 4 kids at a time and took them to playgroup every week. I also take him to loads of groups on my days off and have done since he was 4 months (where lockdown permitted).

I genuinely don't think it's because I didn't send him to nursery at 1 year old I've been very happy with the childminder and then preschool at 3 years.

I remember child wrangling while also trying to chat. I think it's just something you do to not go mad being in the same 4 walls. The expectation of it being a lovely time is a bit unrealistic sadly. One of mine needed extra watching as he wanted to do his own thing. You'll get through this stage and it will improve.

Yes he'll be starting school in September

Thank you. Yes I think that's it, the expectation that you'll have a lovely time, a catch up etc, and then the reality. But then yes also being stuck in with them / or out on your own endlessly sends you potty!

I think the comparison I'm constantly doing doesn't help either - seeing other children being so calm and co-operative compared to mine.

But he has some amazing qualities, teacher said he's very knowledgeable and switched on, etc, so don't want to be down on him. I just hope he learns to play a bit better with others for his sake, and that we can have some nice times socialising with others for both our sakes, otherwise I feel like life is going to be either very lonely or very stressful

No if he’s been at childminder and groups then it’s not that. Just saw your post about him going to school in September. What have preschool said about his readiness to go to school? They should be working with him on the key aspects, one of which is socialising with others. We’ve been given some things to work on at home, my dd is summer born so will be one of the youngest so they are helping make sure she isn’t behind the older ones. Have they mentioned this to you as he’s a similar age?

Yeh they've said the social side is his main thing to work on.

They are all different and it's hard not to compare . One of mine was so easy , another really tricky all through childhood and the other in between, thank goodness as having polar opposites was hard. You've got to parent the child you've got. I decided many parents looked happy and proud when I saw them out because those perfect, lovely moments when it all comes together happen rarely.

I have the same situation with my 3 year old DS. He is just so difficult if we have friends with kids over/ meet up in the park that the whole thing is overwhelmingly stressful and I just use any excuse to avoid it. I have a 5 year old DD who did the same nursery etc as him and is totally fine in the same situation and always has been. So I don't think it is anything you have done. The only thing I do is a couple of friends who I really enjoy seeing, I invite over, let everyone play and we all clear up at the end of the visit. DS still often ruins it but 50 % of the time it’s ok and I get to have coffee with the mums. But I completely empathise - fingers crossed it does get better.