Self harm. Possible infection.

[Daftcow1]

Name changed for this as I'm utterly embarrassed.

I cut myself. Have done for years on and off. What was PND is now depression that keeps returning.

Anyway, not another soul knows about this, but I think I'm starting with an infection in one cut. It hurts and there's a red circle all round it that's expanding. It's only a small cut, one of many, but I'm very careful never to make them big.

If I do have to see a GP, there's no disguising that this is self inflicted, what will happen? I'm petrified. I have children, I don't want anyone knowing about this. I'm so angry that I've done this to myself.

Just be honest. You don’t want an infection getting worse. Maybe they could offer more support for your depression at the same time.

Update. So, I did the hardest thing I've possibly ever done in my life so far, I told my GP about what I do, I've carved words into my skin and cut and hit myself for over 20 years.

On the outside, I'm a fully competent, capable professional. On the inside I'm utterly depressed, day dream about suicide and hurt myself most days. No one would ever guess.

I'm having counselling, my meds have been increased, and I'm going to see the GP again in a couple of weeks.

I've been beating myself up about sharing this secret, but rationally, I needed to do this, or nothing will ever change.

Well done you. You deserve better than to be in pain and you have taken the vital first step to help yourself

Thank you. It feels like a huge but important step.

I've felt total embarrassment mentioning it, no one else in the world knows, but I had no choice, I can't keep hiding this. It feels like a relief. Maybe things will be better eventually.

It's such a hard habit to break. I've utterly failed tonight.

How do I stop the only thing that makes me feel alive?!?

I'm the best part of 30 years into this, and I realise it may take time. I've only just recently made another person aware of the issue.

I'll drink alcohol and weep from the wounds tonight, but I really need to fix this, but where on earth do I start?

You've made a huge first step. Self harm is one of many coping mechanisms. Yes, it's not the safest - but lots of coping mechanisms aren't healthy. With support you can gradually deescalate and find a new more positive outlet in the future. I know this because I've seen people fully recover.

Thanks for replying. How do they recover? Every time I try, I replace one unhealthy habit with another. I'm sick of fighting this. I'm close to just accepting this is who I am. I've no more energy to fight it.

Its not something I've had to deal with myself, but I really feel for you. Breaking any sort of habit is hard enough, but when connected to mental health issues it must be so much harder. Well done for admitting this to your GP, that's a huge step. Don't feel bad if things don't change immediately, just try as best you can. I really hope you find the peace you need in your head to stop this eventually.

Just wanted to send you massive hugs OP ❤️

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me last night.

I'm full of self-hatred today, but it's a new day, and I'm going to try to make a fresh start.

Hope you all have a good day.