Crying instead of panic attack?

[TulipsAndForgetmenots]

When big upsets happen in my life, I cry for many months. Most days, and quite often it's full-body sobbing, absolutely wracked with sobs to the point that I'm shaking, my teeth are chattering and the tears flow for hours. It's not out of the blue - it happens when I'm reminded of the upset, and obviously gets worse if I foolishly dwell on it. It's also worse when I'm tired, run-down and generally not in peak condition.

(I'm saying upset and not trauma, but to me they are traumas... Things along the lines of break-ups and betrayals, not petty things but things that cut me to the core and basically activated some kind of primal wound)

I've been searching Dr Google for many answers, and not really found much about this - but I've found loads about anxiety and panic attacks. The description of those things doesn't really match what I'm experiencing, it doesn't resonate. But the underlying thing of being flooded with adrenaline and a fight-or-flight response does feel right. It's just that for me, that just looks like lots of crying.

I'm wondering whether it's a physiological thing - that something about my hormonal profile or something else physiological means that my emotions find a physical expression or release in this specific way. Whereas someone else, who isn't as physically predisposed to tearfulness, might be having a panic attack instead.

Is this a thing?

If it's a thing for you then it's a thing. Context is vital - if it's the death of a parent or child or the end of a significant relationship then your reaction understandable. Does it bring you relief? Was this type of response something that happened in your childhood?

Thank you. It's not bereavement - it's always man-related, basically. Without going into too much detail, different incidents in my adult life where I've been in love/very attached and had the rug pulled out from under my feet. I think I am OK getting to grips with understanding why these episodes have upset me so much (when I'm able to cope normally with other things), and in understanding my own part in the actual relationship rupture vs the other person's issues, but it's the physical reaction that seems OTT. I feel like I'm reacting like a bereaved person over something that, on paper, is absolutely nothing in comparison. I actually sometimes wonder whether people who see me crying in public think I am bereaved, because that's how uncontrollable and OTT it is.

No, it doesn't bring me relief. It works me up into a worse state. The pain feels so fresh at these times.

Yes, I think I was always a bit of a crier as a child and teen. There was an episode when I was about 14 where I was again very sad for months after a friendship rupture with a boy I was very fond of. I'd forgotten about that - I suppose that could have been the original forerunner.

Thinking about whether it brings me relief again, I'd say it's more like a silent distress signal, like I'm craving a certain arm around me, but I also would cry even more if the person was here due to the breach of trust and terror of being hurt again. Sorry, I don't want to make this the Relationships board, just trying to explain what I think my nervous system is playing at. I think it's a confused nervous system, craving reassurance. And in shock.

There was an episode when I was about 14 where I was again very sad for months after a friendship rupture with a boy I was very fond of. I'd forgotten about that - I suppose that could have been the original forerunner.

I wonder if you are subconsciously recreating that episode? If your mind has got "stuck" in that being the appropriate response to the end of a relationship and hasn't moved on to a more adult reaction?

As we move through life we inevitably experience losses and rejections and learn that, while they hurt, they are something we recover from. Yes, some are worse than others but we realise that we still have ourselves to rely on.

Does this resonate?

I don't know. I tried therapy and this is where I got stuck with it, really. Yes, I can rely on myself, but the one thing I cannot do for myself is be a man and give myself that two-way complementary and physical connection, each person learning about the other and creating something new.

I don't really understand the whole thing about people subconsciously recreating bad things... It might be true, but I can't say it resonates, because it seems so counterintuitive. I'm not sure many 14 year old girls would have reacted the way I did in the first place, not for months on end, and it only ended when that friendship was reinstated... So I suppose you might say I've not had enough practice at fully letting go of someone (I've always kept important people on my life one way or another), but it seems to me that this is also just the way I'm built.