I feel like my life's falling apart

[Eminybob]

I don't know where to start, and I don't know what I want from this post. And I know that many people have it far far worse than me.

I'm just so sad, so tired, so anxious all the time.

It's work, it's home, it's me.

I'm stuck in a job I hate, my house is literally falling down around me, needs £££ spending on it which we can't afford. I'm in a sexless marriage, the kids are off the rails, I drink too much, I'm overweight, ugly and have no motivation to do anything about it.
I love my kids so much but the oldest is autistic and we have all the challenges that go with that. The youngest flies into a rage every time he doesn't get his own way, which is so exhausting. We have just come back from a weekend away which was hell. I just wanted to leave them all there and drive as far away as I could.

I know none of this sounds that bad. It's all fixable I know but I feel sick all the time and so depressed. I have been on medication for years and years due to anxiety and depression. I was on sertraline but have come off it as I hated the way it made me feel. I can't face going back on anything as I hate those first weeks where it gets worse before it gets better. But it only masks the problem anyway. I need to make changes but I don't know where to start.

There is always something that goes wrong, something to sort, something that needs money, time or attention.

I don't sleep. Can't remember the last time I slept a full night.

I'm off work this week but need to log on tomorrow to sort an issue because my team don't have boundaries and think it's acceptable to text me on a bank holiday. I am totally out of my depth at work as it is and want to step down but I can't afford to, plus it would be career suicide.

I'm worried about the kids. I feel I don't have the time or energy to give them the attention they deserve. Even when I try to do nice things for them like this weekend, it goes wrong.

I feel like running away from everything, but I know it wouldn't help because the problem is me, it's in my head and I can't escape the way I feel. I'm not suicidal but I was stood on the edge of a cliff the other day and thought about how all the feelings would go away if jumped. I wouldn't though, I wouldn't put DH and the DC through that.

What do I do? Where do I start to fix this?

As a first, DO NOT log on during annual leave. Set your own boundaries. Do you really need to be contactable during your time off?

The team member text me on my work phone, which I didn't have with me, as I was on holiday, so she then text me on my personal phone. Unfortunately she had that number from before I got a work phone.

I can get another manager to sort the issue tomorrow I just need to email him.

Don’t answer any further work messages on your personal phone.

Discuss this with your own manager and ask your team not to message about work on your personal phone.

Text this person back asking them to contact this other manager themselves tomorrow. Advise you’re now unable to deal with any work matters on your day off.

I also got a text from someone else, this time on my work phone. I did direct him to the other manager. The first one is a bit more complicated.

I wouldn't mind, but I was very clear on Thursday that I was off this week, and provided alternative contacts.

Managing a team is like having extra children at times.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. Have you told your husband how you feel or is there no connection anymore?

I'd book myself a cheap holiday in the sun without the family for a start.

Then I'd look for a new job.

'Career suicide?' So what? You hate the job anyway! Fuck it. Find something else.
Your job is to support your life, your life isn't to support your job.

The house...can you downsize? Just sell it and buy something in a cheaper area/smaller that is in better condition.

The weight...join slimming world. Go to the weekly meetings. Try get out for a long walk every day, that'll help your mood too.

Ugly? Nothing a tan from that holiday and a haircut and good moisturiser/conceeler can't address.

Start being a little selfish op. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Fill your cup then worry about the families.

Infact, if you divorce the hubby then maybe that's the money issue solved too?

No wonder your depressed. It all sucks!
Change it.

How old are you? Could a lot of your feelings be menopause related? Might be worth a chat with your doctor - HRT might help.

I recommend sorting all your issues into three:

1. things you can easily do something about eg getting a good haircut, buying some new clothes, making an effort with make up and your appearance, make a list of everything which needs doing to the house etc
2. longer term plans eg eating better and losing some weight, starting to do some of the house jobs, looking for a new role etc
3. things which are harder or out of your control eg children, marriage. You might find that some of the improve anyway with time, or as you become generally happier in yourself. i think you'll feel less overwhelmed if you can sort your issues into more manageable chunks.

He knows I'm struggling. He knows the signs. He's not very good at dealing with it though.

All good advice, all sounds great. Just not as easy as it sounds.

Hi ,
I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad time . Life does overwhelm us at times and I totally empathise with a lot of your issues .
I am also sometimes unable to have good work life balance . But I think it does help to take a break from it .
It does sound that you are overwhelmed . Are you able to get some time to yourself/ a night away ?

I know that when I get a break that I feel much better for it .
I also totally get the expectations for family holidays and they never quite turn out as you imagined and sometimes we are just taking the same stresses with us to a different location which doesn't alter the underlying issues .

I think sometimes you have to think of the oxygen mask in the plane scenario that until you are able to make improvements for your own well-being that you won't be able to " fix " others .

I know the theory for this but do struggle to put this into practice too .

As the weather is hopefully improving I am making baby steps to get out and walk a bit and get some fresh air . What would give you some joy in life ?
I know you are dealing with medication but are you able to access any counselling for yourself through work or through a GP even with a waiting list ?

Take care

Thanks. I'm 43 so menopause a possibility.

I do make an effort with my appearance. It just doesn't make a difference.
I have tried to lose weight time and time again. It just goes back on.
Thinking of trying mounjaro actually but can't really afford it.

I need to cut down on alcohol really. That's where the weight comes from. But again, easier said than done.

Thanks.
I know this is all fixable. I just don't have the energy to take the first step.

A year ago I was feeling totally overwhelmed (I’m a carer for my elderly mum) and was way overweight because I was drinking and eating feelings; exhausted as I couldn’t sleep (notice you’re posting at 3.30 am OP 💐…. as am I lol).
I then got therapy through work and the first thing the therapist asked was ‘what do you want?’ I was basically so busy thinking of others and people pleasing that I had no boundaries, both at work, kids, family.
I joined the gym doing weight training and as I became stronger and fitter stopped drinking as much and I feel so much better about everything. As another poster said it’s like putting your own oxygen mask on before you help others.
I’ve also become more ruthless about work as I wasn’t taking holiday and saying no to things.
I also live in a bit of a dump but as I have more energy have been decluttering which also makes me feel more in control.

Making to do lists has also helped me focus.

Hi again . Great advice from the other posters.
I get like that as well when there are too many things to deal with and I feel overwhelmed and almost like a deer frozen in the headlights.

You feel that you can't make a decision as you can't choose which issue is the most urgent .

There is a radio 4 programme -,you can find it on bcc sounds called just do 1 thing by Michael Mosley .
It is very short segments off about 15 mins and he tackles health issues - sleeping etc .

I have heard it a few times but will try and listen more . Another thing I thought of trying was the chair yoga for people who are unfit . There are other dancey ones on instagram etc .I have 2 left feet and have had to sneak out of fitness classes many moons ago when I went to the gym , if they were too dancey or the instructor changed .
I also accidentally went to a super advanced class when I hadn't clicked it was for the super fit . It was full of super fit retirees who obviously spent their leisure time largely in the gym . I just got in everyone's way and became a liability

As you have some time off are you able to catch up with a friend for a coffee / chat / lunch ?

I had another walk today and managed to drag one of my kids with me . It rained most of the way but I was glad had some fresh air .

I have got into bad habits of staying up late , watching some rubbish on netflix and eating too much crap . I find this time is the only time I can get some peace & quiet but it certainly isn't helping my waistline nor my sleep .

I feel you 🙁🥲🤣 well I’ve started painting bit by bit and I try to eat more healthy xxx they are steps one and two. The job you need a new job and I know that’s easy to say as that’s another financial pressure. Maybe work on the other stuff first xxx good luck my lady. A lot of women out there feel this way I’m sure of it xxxx life’s not all it’s made up to be but it’s a life I guess 😒

Could you access any coaching or counselling to help you work through the list of things that you want to change? Doing it alone will feel overwhelming, I imagine, but having some support to get started can have a snowball effect.
Good luck @Eminybob , let us know how you get on, if you're able to.

I'm on mounjaro and it also helps with stopping drinking so you'd save money on food and booze you could spend on it.