I've been struggling to recover from a nervous breakdown for the past two years. I had my initial nervous breakdown in 2022. I've been with my psychologist for the past 10 years and in the past 3 years we have seen each other twice a week and in the past two years since the nervous breakdown, we have been also having email check-ins about twice a week. I have C-PTSD and depressive and anxiety disorders and have been hospitalized before for them. I have been abandoned more times than I can count, since age 4. I'm 50 now. So, so so many people have left me and I've been alone in my life. Everything has been falling apart. My spouse only stays because we have a special needs child and we don't even seem to love each other. I have no friends. I feel like life is a warzone, just trying to avoid pain and suffering all the time. My defenses are always up. The only respite and safe place from that war that is my life is my psychologist. I can't tell you how steady and consistent and caring she has been for all our ten years and continues to go above and beyond. You aren't with a person for 10 year without having some stronger connection. Yet in Spring 2022, she unexpectedly was gone. I thought I had lost her and I was totally alone in the world. That was the trigger for the nervous breakdown. She did return, but I just broke down when I saw her again - having had to hold in so much all that time she was gone and it just flooded out. And it wasn't like I wasn't crying all the time before then either. I was in a horrible place, but the outside world (spouse and work) was tired of it and just yelled at me and told me to behave (literally). So I had to push it back down, dissociate it from it. There has been no safe place in my world except my psychologist. And now she is on break again for the next 10 days and it is taking all of my energy to just keep going. There are safety measures and we talked a lot of about it and if I am in a very bad place (like VERY bad) she wants me to text or call her and she has backups if I can't reach her. And I 100% know she means it. But my nervous breakdown from the believed loss of her in the past combined with all the other losses and abandonment life is just overwhelming me. I told her as we were ending out last session (yesterday) before we parted that I'm pretty sure I'm going to fall apart afterward. And I did. I had to hide myself in the bathroom for a while because I couldn't stop crying. I'm still crying, but it is taking ALL my energy to keep this up. She knows that I had event last night, because I told her and she was glad I told her - plus she was also giving me second back-up contact should she not be available if it gets bad). It can't get much worse than what it feels like now. But I don't want to bother her so I'm just trying to struggle through this alone. There are two states of life I exist it: I experience that I'm alone in the world and that I'm a mistake OR I just know that I'm alone and that I'm a mistake, but I can dissociate from it. In other words my only options to the belief I'm alone in the world and a mistake are two either experience it or dissociate from it. When she is gone for a longer time, it is hard to dissociate from it. I know that I shouldn't be relying on her so much. I've told her as much. She is such a contrast to the rest of my life though. She is consistent and stable and extremely caring BUT the rest of my world has none of that. Sometimes seeing what she brings my life is hard because it is such a contrast to what I don't have out here in the world. I'm so very tired of all of this. It is getting harder and harder to dissociate from the pain and I'm just experiencing it more and more.