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Mental health

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To feel so deflated and alone

3 replies

BrewandBiscuits0 · 30/03/2024 08:55

e no idea where to start other than just that.
Recently I've felt so restless with my life and completely bored to tears but cannot see a way out to make it better.
I'm 32. Not married. No significant other and no children. All things I thought I would have by now.
Despite this, I have a good career that I have worked hard for, albeit not paying enough in the current climate (which I know is the same for the majority of the country right now) so I don't have anything spare for hobbies like the gym, holidays etc.
All I feel like I do is work, eat, sleep (a lot!) and repeat.
I'd like to buy my own house which is near on impossible financially.
I just feel like I'm stagnant at the moment and not moving forward. Just stuck.
Does anyone else feel like this?!
I have lots of friends however due to adult life, kids, work etc we get together when we can. I lost my Mum 2 yrs ago also so no longer have that relationship in my life.
I have suffered with anxiety and depression for years and go through waves of good and bad times so this may just be one of those bad times but I can't seem to shake the restless feeling of existential dread that this is what life is. There must be more

OP posts:
upthehills1 · 30/03/2024 09:05

Sorry you are feeling this way. Please see your GP if not already.

The only piece of advice I’ll give is - find a hobby. You only need one, so don’t put pressure on yourself to do too much. Not all hobbies are expensive. Exercise is one of the best things you can do for yourself and gets you involved with local groups - think running, open water swimming etc. You don’t need to be super fit to get involved, there are people at every level in the same position as you.

AmaryllisChorus · 30/03/2024 09:22

Really sorry you feel this way. I agree with PP that it may be the right time to get some antidepressant medication just to set you up to make some changes.

We don't need money for everything worth doing in life. It's way easier if we have spare money but not essential. But we do need some guts and to be prepared to trial and fail a bit until we find our niches.

I have felt like you before - many times. When I did I used the Feel the Fear model. (Please read that book - it's old and may be a little outdated but an absolute self-help classic. The only one that truly transformed my life.)

Draw a big square and divide it into 9 smaller squares. Write a key element of life in each square, whether you currently have them or not. So typical squares might be: Health & Fitness; Work & Income; Home; Family & Friends; Romantic partner; Fun (Hobbies/interests/travel); Social Contribution; Spirituality; Personal Development. But yours may be different, depending on your priorities. The only one you must include (iirc) is Social contribution.

For each square write down one thing you can do today or in the next couple of days that will improve that area in your current life. So, you may want to own your own home and feel that's currently an impossible dream, but you do have the power to clean, declutter, refresh where you live, add a vase of flowers, rearrange furniture, so when you walk through the door, your home feels loved and reflective of who you want to be.

For social contribution - it's anything that gets you connected with your community and helping to make it a better place - it's fun to work out what that might mean to you - whether it is helping at a food bank or soup kitchen, joining a local political campaign, guerrilla gardening or rewilding projects, helping at your local church or temple; reading with kids at the local primary or walking rescue dogs. Pick a couple and try them out for at least three months.

With personal development, it can be good to start both large and small. You can do free online uni courses in something that interests you, or do self help CBT to increase your self-compassion, or be brave and apply for next stage jobs or a fully-funded MA in the USA.

Using a mix of really tiny changes and some potentially massive ones, working on each of these nine areas of your life keeps you busy and occupied in a way that feels positive, It gets you thinking outside your rut and it inevitably leads to some positive changes. I found DH; a new career I love; a new place to live and loads of smaller adventures through tracking my life in this way when it was stuck.

AmaryllisChorus · 30/03/2024 09:26

I forgot to say the point of this 9-areas of life model. It is that you treat them all as having equal importance: getting fit is as important as seeing friends; community service is as important as a loving relationship, fun is as important as work. The reason behind this is so that you life flourishes in many different ways, so when the inevitable happens - when we lose our job or our hearts are broken, or both of these in the space of a week - all the other areas of your life keep you propped up.

I taught this method to DC and have seen how they recovered from heartbreak or from not getting accepted by first choice unis etc very quickly by focusing on other things in life that were going well. Nice things keep coming at you if you keep all 9 areas in a good state.

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