Public speaking fear - career limiting?

[Outrunning]

Looking for some friendly advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation or has some insights to offer. I have always lacked a certain amount of confidence and struggle to assert myself. I’ve dreaded public speaking tasks throughout my life. On some occasions I’ve managed to get through it and train my brain to rationalise the situation. Other times, I haven’t and I’ve avoided, made up excuses or even worse - tried to get through it and have a panic attack or just freeze. It’s unpredictable as to how I will react and I hate that this continues to plague me.

I have spent a fortune over the years on private therapy including CBT, hypnotherapy and other public speaking specialists. I’m lucky to have been in a position to pay for private help. Honestly, however, I don’t think they’ve made the slightest bit of difference but I don’t know why. I’m currently undertaking another course of private therapy because I’ve recently started a new job where I’d like to finally gain some control over this fear otherwise it will become career limiting. I’ve spent a lot of money on 4 sessions - a total of 6.5 hours - just to be told at the end of it that I need more therapy to deal with childhood trauma in order to progress with the public speaking fear.

The diagnosis with each of these therapy courses has been that my current issues stem from emotional neglect as a child. Being encouraged to keep your head down and not putting yourself out there. Over the years of therapy and self-reflection, I’ve come to realise that my childhood has contributed to these issues. The problem is … I don’t know what I can do about it! In my mind I’ve made peace with my childhood and have already done the therapy to understand this. My parents were loving but my mum almost certainly had undiagnosed mental health issues herself which means that I was impacted growing up. I see this as an adult and accept it. We have a good relationship now - not close close but close enough and no drama.

I have no intentions of bringing this up with her and explaining the issues it has caused because I know this would hurt her and I don’t think it’ll change anything. So where does this leave me? Do I knock therapy on the head? Is medication an option to get through public speaking tasks at work? I haven’t spoken to a GP about this. Is the medication guaranteed to work? Do I try to continue with the therapy sessions although I’m not sure I can financially commit to this (especially as I’ve already paid for many sessions with no improvements to date)? Is it a case of accepting that this is my weakness and so I need to accept my career-limitations? Can anyone relate?

Hi OP,

I have suffered childhood trauma (complex PTSD) as a result of neglect and have struggled with public speaking for almost all of my working life (30+ years).

It is an incredibly debilitating condition where you spend vast amounts of time and energy trying to plan your life to avoid situations where you'll have to do public speaking.

I've tried almost all types of therapy but eventually I have made progress with the help of an experienced psychotherapist.

I have tried, toastmasters, a professional coach who got me to do Rada exams in performing and lots of other similar courses.
None of them had the slightest effect.

Sometimes I could force myself to do something small and succeed and I would think I was making progress but the next time I would revert to the same panicked situation.

The thing about complex PTSD is that it was probably one of the first things to happen to you and your brain ends up being wired incorrectly so you don't learn and grow from a positive experience the way that others might.
It's almost like you are frozen in a moment in time where you believe that being seen could result in your death.

Sorry, if that sounds like it's impossible to remedy, because it's not, but it can take a very, very long time and a huge amount of effort.

The one thing that you should try immediately is propranolol. This won't remove the fear but it will remove some of the symptoms such as the racing heart feeling which can make you think you are about to have a panic attack.

Can I ask if you have a critical inner voice telling you that you are "a worthless pathetic piece of crap" or something similar?

Hi OP, I can’t help I’m afraid. I feel the same way you do. I believe a fear of public speaking is career limiting. My fear of public speaking has certainly limited my career. I have been decades in the same job without a promotion. I want to change jobs but feel that I have to get a grip of this anxiety before I do. Nearly every employer wants someone with good comms skills and that means being confident in group meetings, giving training sessions to others, presenting, advocating etc. As a child/young adult, I was quite the performer, on stage, acting, spontaneous improvisation in front of large groups of people etc. In the workplace, as a young adult and into my thirties, I could speak fairly confidently in small team meetings, but anything larger and more formal, and I would be very anxious. I used to take Calms before any formal presentations, rehearse what I was going to say over and over again to the point of exhaustion. Fast forward, I’m in my 50’s, post menopausal due to a cancer diagnosis in my 40s and my anxiety at any kind of public speaking is off the scales. I find any kind of presentation (even tell us about what you have been working on) very anxiety inducing, even in a small group environment. I’m worried that people will hear my voice shake and I think that sometimes they can. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of confidence. I have to do some public speaking for work. I try to avoid it, sometimes I just say I can’t do it and other times I agree to it and almost instantly regret it. On those occasions, I prepare, prepare and prepare some more. I listen to hypnosis podcasts regularly ( Paul McKenna instant confidence and others) and I do tapping. I try to reprogram my brain into thinking that I am a calm and confident public speaker. Sometimes it works and my presentation is really good, and sometime I falter. I have debated going to the doctor for anxiety meds, but only feel anxious re public speaking. I agree with others that more regular public speaking will probably help to build confidence and reduce the fear. I have a public speaking event coming up soon, where I’ll present to possibly hundreds of people. Thankfully it won’t be in person but on zoom, but every time I think about it my heart starts racing. I feel like running away from it, but equally know I shouldn’t. Best wishes OP. It’s a tough one.

Thanks @Thisisthedawningoftheageofaquarius it really is great to hear that others have felt the same but have managed to get control of it. I do think exposure is what’s needed. I’ve spent so long running and hiding - it cringes me to think about it.

Thanks @RollingRocks you’ve summed up perfectly how exhausting it is. Always hiding, planning, avoiding. I am going to go and speak to my GP about propranolol. Sounds like this might be a good start to try and get the practice in. Can I ask how your sessions with a psychotherapist were different to regular therapy / CBT which I’ve already had?

propranolol changed my life. I've not built up any resistance in 10 years of using it (only for presentations).

I am so glad I found it after years of sinking money into CBT and other treatments that did not help me in the moment I had to deal with an impending panic when about to speak publicly. I decided life is too short for suffering and even having it in my bag and knowing its there gives me confidence.

Interestingly, as its allowed me to be a confident speaker and that's my 'image' now, it's resulted in me speaking up without taking it and just being more naturally confident on occasion.

Hi OP
I guess CBT must help some people but it feels very superficial and I don't think it would ever help if you have suffered trauma.

With the psychotherapist a lot of time was spent on family background, sibling relationships, my parents relationship to their parents and significant events like my father's death as a child.

Time was also spent identifying the roles different siblings had in the family, eg scapegoat, golden child etc.

I had done a lot of work myself and with other therapists over the years particularly around my inner critical voice (hence my question).
Your critical inner voice is awful but can be your greatest teacher as it can guide you to the words your parents used to hurt you.

It turns out that I also suffer from structural dissociation which is where your mind splits into parts as a result of the trauma.
The main part, the critical inner voice is actually a defense mechanism that your brain creates to protect you by keeping you quiet and hidden from the person who you perceive could harm you, typically your parent(s).
Actually just understanding that and the fact that it was trying to protect you makes it a lot easier to deal with.

It has limited my career (mostly, by self-excluding from jobs that require a lot of public speaking).

In my job, I have to do some public speaking, and I dread it every time. I can do it, but have never enjoyed it. I can, and do, speak up in smaller groups without a problem.

I don't know what it is due to; I have anxiety, always have, but there is no abuse in my history.

Honestly. No amount of therapy would stop my getting really nervous and trembly of voice and banging of heart when I am presenting to a crowd.

Propanolol has changed my life. I use it maybe 6x a year. I still feel a bit nervous, but my voice is steady and people think I am an incredibly confident public speaker. It’s ironic as no-one, except my GP, has any idea. Interestingly, my GP also relies on propranolol for similar.

I have this issue. Propranolol didn’t work for me, I felt worse and more self conscious after taking it. I have managed to progress in my career despite this. I have people on my team who are good at public speaking and when we need to present I delegate this task to them (good for their development and exposure). I used to struggle to speak in team meetings but have very little fear now as I have done it so much. I have noticed that senior leaders in my organisation will sometimes present and they are clearly reading from a pre-written speech. I have also noticed that they become more confident and better at it the more they do it.