My anxiety drives people away - ideas please?

[LeekAndPot]

I have anxiety, live alone with my kids. My partner is generally supportive, I have few friends.

I've found that some of the anxious behaviours can be quite off putting to my partner and friend(s) I think. Such as keep talking about whatever the anxiety of the moment is, maybe I'm afraid of losing my job one week, or I'm worried there may be a gas leak the next week. It must be quite draining to them at times. Especially when they can't 'solve' my problem.

I'm also bad at sleeping (anxiety again) which partner is very kind about, but I fear it leaves him tired as he tries to help me.

I get quite obsessive over problems, future planning etc. Always looking for reassurance and confirmations.

Has anyone found good ways to address this? I know it can drive people away, which isn't my intention.

Thank you

What have you tried so far?

I've tried consciously limiting the time I talk about whatever is making me anxious, for example just ten minutes talking about work worries when partner comes over.

I've done CBT and use things like STOPP app rather than asking questions of other people.

Try listening to what the anxiety is trying to tell you, and let your logic decide whether it's reasonable to be worried about whatever it is or whether you can safely ignore it.

@Eyesopenwideawake thanks that's a good idea. Tbh even when I 'limit' to discussing legitimate worries, my anxiety drives me to want to think and discuss for hours, I become fixated on the issue.

Have you spoken to your GP about medication? Sometimes you can’t really engage with therapy without the “space” that comes from being medicated.

Could you be neurodivergent? Anxiety common in autistic people and they often find therapy has limited effect until you understand the underlying brain wiring.

Medication and/or talking therapies. Talking through with a therapist may help to apply more logic, eg a lot of people are at risk of losing their job at anytime. Not just you. You can help yourself by saving money and keeping your cv updated. Don’t worry until it actually happens.

I found CBT very helpful in stopping me spiraling and I can now apply it very quickly to any situation and get to the 'and now there's no point in thinking about it further until x happens' point. It's not a cure for anxiety though just a management technique.

How long have you been with your partner? If it's quite some time I wouldn't worry too much but do tell them you're aware and are trying to change (and do so).

For acquaintances it's more tricky. If they don't find you pleasant to be with they won't want to be with you. It's unfortunate and feels unkind but that's the truth of the matter, most people have their own issues and have very limited energy to help others or even just listen to their problems.

My DH is the only person I burden with my issues, I used to be able to speak to my best friend but she has far too many issues of her own these days and dumps all her negative energy on me whenever we meet so I have to limit our chats or I burn out.

Do get counselling, it's a legitimate way of speaking about what's worrying you without effecting friendships. For friends have a think before you meet up and decide on what you're going to speak about. There's really no point in mentioning things you are anxious about unless you think they can help. Maybe talk about the fact that you have anxiety and what you are trying to do about it but not the things you are feeling anxious about.

Thanks I will look at these suggestions.

I find friends/acquaintances who I only meet for coffee occasionally are fine. It's the close friends/partner more likely to be a bit drained by the anxiety and obsessive focus on 'problems'. I can see its not a very appealing trait.

The only thing that helps my anxiety is propranolol, I only take it on my bad days, for me my anxiety is impossible to turn off I know and u derstamd its my anxiety and not a logical thing I'm worried about or that I'm obsessing but I can't control the physical symptoms of it, the hyper awareness, the tingling in my hands and feet or my raised heartbeat and sweating my meds do that and I feel me again able to cope with the next task.

Other people have said wise things about therapy etc.

I also find that physical/biological strategies really help me.

• limiting caffeine & alcohol
• exercise
• keeping close eye on thyroid levels (I'm diagnosed underactive)
• propranolol (I didn't get on with sertraline. I take propranolol when the CBT strategies aren't keeping a lid on it)

I've also noticed from tracking my consumption that I need a lot more propranolol the week before my period. The two weeks after I don't use any. It will be interesting to see how much anxiety I get after menopause.

Hi op. I hear you! I’ve suffered with anxiety for most of my adult life and can become totally focussed on whatever is causing my latest anxiety. I lean on my DH more than I should and I think my anxiety must be hard to live with, but he’s never said so.

Medication helps me a lot, and CBT has also helped. CBT taught me to understand when I am catastrophising. It helps to ask yourself what evidence you have that what you are worried about is going to happen. Remember that anxiety lies to you, it’s a bully!! I really do need the medication though!

Thanks all, really helpful suggestions! For those on Propranolol, what doses do you take? I have a small dose from the gp to take as and when needed, but I haven't tried it yet.

Interesting about the CBT, I try to apply what I've learned. Does anyone have any books they'd recommend?