I’m not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, I just want to let it all out.
i feel so down and horrible at the moment I know all of the reasons why but don’t even know where to start in trying to make things better for myself. I had a gorgeous baby boy 8 months ago and I just adore him so much , since having him my anxiety has gone crazy (I’ve always had anxiety) but it’s definitely got a lot worse , especially around health. I also dissociate. Since having my baby I’ve seen friends at most 3 times, they contact me often but I never reply, I go weeks on end without contacting anyone I miss them a lot and miss getting out but I feel too anxious about seeing people even friends , the thought of meeting up with them makes me want to cry??? I feel so alone even though I have all these people around me wanting to see me and baby but I want to be alone , it doesn’t make sense. Moving onto my relationship, I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years, 1 month after having baby I found out he had been messaging girls in ways he shouldn’t of (I would say cheated) our relationship has never been the same since, it’s broke my heart, I’ve been trying everyday to get over it but I’m really struggling. Never in a million years did I think he would do it to me. Ever since having baby he’s really changed, he’s a narcissistic prick. If I ever try to leave he’s going to kill himself. He’s a huge reason why I don’t see friends often, he finds a problem with it. I would definitely say he’s controlling. I find it impossible to leave him, I do really love him but there’s so many problems. I’m due back at work as my maternity is up, I physically can’t get myself to go back, my anxiety is sending me mental , I have panic attacks at the thought of it, I’m not ready. However I really have no other choice, I’m not financially stable at all. Luckily I have everything I currently need but my bank is £0.00 & 0 cash which absolutely terrifies me. What if I needed something in an emergency? I feel like a failure. I know if I needed money I have support but I’m a mum now I should have money , I have absolutely no savings. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel horrible in myself, have extremely low self esteem, I’ve put on a huge amount of weight since having baby, I look In the mirror and instantly want to scream, I don’t believe my partner finds me attractive how could he? No wonder he messaged other women. I’m trying hard to lose it but I’m struggling. I wake up most days now sad, I feel awful on my beautiful baby, he deserves better. He deserves more attention. I sit in day dreams with tears filled in my eyes . My partner is at work all day. I never leave the house unless I really have to. I never get anything done anymore as I have no energy and feel down , yesterday I was going to clean the house but kept getting distracted going on my phone etc so I thought enough was enough I needed to get up and knock my phone off so I text DP and told him I was stressed and can’t get nothing done so I’m going to knock my phone off for an hour so I can do what I need to do instead of getting distracted, after i finally get everything done I pop my phone back on where I have multiple texts & missed calls where he accused me of cheating , he thinks I brought someone around to the house and that’s why I turned my phone off????? This is what I’m dealing with here. I have to mentally prepare to brush my teeth and shower these days nevermind entertain another man wtf
i need to do something about all of this asap I fear that it’ll get worse. I just feel horrible. Am I being stupid? Do I need to just get on with things? I’ve done CBT therapy before (2 years of it) and been on anxiety medication before. Medication isn’t for me.
so long story short
- Miss being social but feel too anxious to do so
- in a relationship with a man I love so much but he is a huge reason why I feel the way I do , I know we’re unhealthy - I physically can’t leave I’ve tried 1000000x
- Need to go back to work but anxiety is stopping me
- have no money
- extremely low self esteem
im 20 and feel 80. I want to be okay.