Am I normal, Am I a human being?

[Uma32]

I hate being full time mum.
I hate most thungs that involve social life of a full time mother : playgroups -always talking about babies, end up looking after other peoples children, trying to plan my week which only involves eather going to library , or more playgroups and getting involved in other mothers "make friends politics".I Love my child but this lifestyle is killing me.I want to be good mother and provide good care for my child and that is why I am not considering nurseries or childminders.But I RESENT this life style.
I am normal?Anyone out there that feels the same?

I felt exactly the sane-I completely opted out of the whole "scene" for a long time as I hated it so much, but did get worried about dd's integration so used to go to toddlers, farms, playzones, etc, but always declined to take any aquaintences with parents further than that. You are completely normal-you end up just feeling completely dumped upon by other parents that do not want to look after their children so get you to do all the work, and also feel like you are being entirely superficial. It is normal to feel this way, don't worry!! xx

Yes. Most of it is so tedious and boring. I wan to scream when my ds decides to talk to me about yet another Lego creation. The other mothers at school bore me senseless, I couldn't give a shit about skiing or their holiday home in Spain. I find it pathetic that they splash the cash on balls when there are little kids starving in Africa. I don't trust anyone to look after my ds, gran feeds him toast for tea, he would be left to run around if he went to an after school club. I hate it all. Except for my ds. You are very normal, everyone just pretends.

Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. You have the love and that's all that matters. I can totally understand this lifestyle doesn't suit everyone. The fact that you are not considering nurseries or childminders is commendable to the nth degree; especially as you are not wallowing in motherhood. I dislike most of those things too especially when you feel like you don't fit in with other mums, but to be honest I expect they also feel the same. Why don't you consider working part-time so you can get out of it a couple of times a week?

I couldn't be a full time SAHM

tbh if you feel like this I think probably working at least part time could be the answer for you? I'm a sahm and happy with that, but I think you can still be a good mum and provide good care for your child by considering a nursery or childminder at least part time. then maybe you'd enjoy your time with your child more? If you're really unhappy then that is bound to affect your child eventually too?

The way I approach it is like when I am at work.
At work there are colleagues who annoy me but we all have to try and get along. the same applies for the SAHM. Without trying out groups you won't make friends and friends are important when you're at home all day. The afternoon goes by much quciker if you're in a church hall talking about last night's Desperate Housewives than just staring at the 4 walls of your living room.
It does get easier.
I tried to get into a routine - so Monday was library and town, Tuesday shopping, Wednesday Toddlers etc etc

I litteraly got goosebumps when I saw how many people replied.I actually feel like I want to cry at the realisation that I am not the only one alienated one in this universe of procreation and offspring breeding.Children are wonderfull people but i can not coo all day or point to pictures of cats and dogs.
Other mothers can be predatory when it comes to making friends and maintaining friendships.
we need children , we love them , we cherish them but do we really need to be socialy excluded if we are not playing buy the rules.
Where do I go ? How do i meet intelignet mothers , my god i feel so bad for saying this as I by no means have no intention of insulting the rest of female mothering population.I am just angry and sad .

Keep trying, try different groups, try different activities. Try netmums so that you can meet other mums in the area. Get involved in local activities, mumsnet meet ups. You will meet other mums, ones who you can relate to. There are lots of people who were or are professionals, who used to have a life outside being x's mummy and still want that too thank you very much.

And let's face it, work can be pretty crap and boring at times too, it's all about finding something that works for you.

But seriously, if it is not going to work out for you, get something part time to give you a better chance of balance in your life.

Think you havent met the right mums yet.

I went to one mother and toddler group and always left depressed (have now stopped going). The other mothers were so different to me and the conversation was always inane or about how to commit benefit fraud.

Luckily the women I met at antenatal group are like minded and I also met a few other mums I clicked with at clinics and other groups. But if the only group I had to go to was the one I described above think I would feel as you do.

I hated groups with a passion, too and didn't go in the end. I don't think it's obligatory!

Plenty of other stuff is 'socialising' for babies and kids; even going down to the local shop is part of that for them.

Forget the groups and don't agonise!

If you want my truly honest opinion I think you would enjoy one or two days a week part time work. it would enable you to get a break from the drudge of full time parenting and it would give you a social life and possibly friends which are nothing to do with other mothers.

I found zilch in common with others at groups, other than having kids...it's not enough.

Do some stuff for YOU that's not about the kids, and the sort of friends you're looking for will come. I don't think they necessarily will through mother's groups; NOT saying here that mothers are less intelligent, as I am of course one myself just that IMO and IME the people who attend groups week in week out are not those I have most in common with and it sounds as if you're similar to me in that.

i also feel if i expressed my feelings with the women i met at playgroups, they would think of me as an unfit mother.I would like to be able to talk about things other than sleeping throght the night ,runny poos and god forbid how many stiches one had to have after childbirth.At the same time i know that all this things are important to women and are part of life experience...its just that one sometimes craves conversation that goes a bit deeper than that and is more socially or creativelly or philosophically orientated.Next time or if ever i decide to go throught this experience again i will make shore that i handle it in a more pragamtic way.

It gets better, i can't be doing with the whole mother and toddler politics. I go, but sometimes i don't talk to anyone and i don't care. I have made a friend at one of the groups, she is very similar to me and we just sort of found each other really, its not a close friendship or anything, but possibly will blossom.

The thing is, the only common bond is the children and its an obvious link so we all jump on that. I am genuinely interested in other peoples experiences and i'm quite happy to talk about teething, nappies, development and so on, even birht stories fascinate me. BUT not all the time, god help me!! You have to be chooosy about where you go i think, you'll soon find a group you fit into, or fits with you - i dont think that is too much to ask actually. There is more to me than being a mum, although sometimes i tend to forget that. I am slowly emerging from the whole M&T experience and i am pretty unscathed, or brainwashed, one or the other - i hve posted some very similar threads to your OP. You just have to look beneath the surface sometimes, i'm an intelligent mum, but most times when im up to my arms in paint or playdough, you'd never notice and bear it for a while, it will get better i promise.

Maybe you could go back to work part time, or even voluntary work (if you can afford it) just to give yourself some time being you. Then DD could go to a playgroup and she would really enjoy it. Can't wait to send mine

I didn't mind it so much with my first, was more bored with my second and am being much more dynamic about getting the third one into nursery so I can have some time to think! Have done hardly any parent and toddler groups this time - they really can be tedious and the endless chatter of a child is hard unless you have other outlets. You're just being honest and you're right that if you're a SAHM there's an assumption that you're available to help other people with their children.

I will go back to work in september,its just that waiting lists for nurseries are very long and couldnt get place straight away.
I am just trying to keep my sanity intact at the moment.It would be nice to have friend that one can relate to ,it would be nice to meet people who can intelectually stimulate you... i was even thinking of starting my own group which would be for people in the similar situation as mine...i was even thinking of getting them to audition or writte preliminary essay..just joking ...every person is precious in their own way ..one has to maintain their sense of humor to keep surrviving in a world of frustration...nevertheless one should not complain to much -at least in this country on has choices and options that people in other countries can only dream about.
I just needed to get it of my chest and i am very gratefull to all who manged to cheer me up with their posts today

I felt exactly the same way and was truly worried that I wasn't a good mother because I didn't do all the 'right things'. I felt like the mummy bonding came naturally to everyone else and not to me. I have gone back to work part time and have to say i think it is just what I needed. I enjoy being with the kids so much more and love the independence of my own money. Everyone is different though and you need to find a life style that suits you.

I agree with other pps who think you haven't met the right people yet.

The conversations I've had with most of the mums I've met haven't set me alight, but then, I don't assume that that's because they're not intelligent! I presume it's because we are making small talk because we don't know eachother. Small talk in the office is boring too.

Like another pp, I also do something slightly different each day. It is a routine now. Yes, there are some Mums I duck into doorways to avoid and I feel guilty about that. One woman with only 200 words of English wrecks my head she is so boring and I know I should be a bit nicer, but I have me own trubblez at the moment!! I've made two friends through toddler groups and the school fundraising committee. They are good fun and lively and intelligent without being cerebral .

I would have clicked with them whether I'd met them in university or working behind a bar at 21 or outside the school gates.

GL

i love my ds very much but i too cant stand the whole mother&toddler scene. I only work 3days a week (one day at the weekend) so DS sees plenty of other children at his two days at nursery. i just cant be bothered with the whole comparison thing. the mums i have met just dont seem to have a life outside their home. thats not a slate on SAHMs but i just cant get my head round the fact that once you get the title "mum" you stop being aware of the outside world.

so yes you are normal

Has it crossed your minds that most of the other mothers you will meet at school/playgrop/nursery etc are just the same as you? Just because women choose not to go back to work doesn't make them inferior of stupid, you know! You may be missing out on lots of good stuff by "declining to thak enay acquaintance futher than that|!

fled to scotland? How do you know that if you don't condescend to talk to them long enough to find out. Also, is there anything wrong with that? Really? We are pushed by society to achieve achieve acheive. Not to slate SAHMs? Thats like saying, "im not being bitchy but".........

I am a SAHM, my life doesnt exist much (at all) outside my home just now - i have a two year old who needs me. Does that make me unintelligent with no worthwhile views on the world then?

I didn't find that the work place "small talk" got very much further than the previous nights television tbh.

I do feel that some of the M&T groups may as well have the "audition" scenario described jokingly by the OP. I tend to avoid those!

I actually think that being a good SAHM requires many skills - patience, imagination, organisation, endless energy, the ability to rise above the monotony and not switch off (you can do that at work but not with your kids!), diplomacy, tenacity, oh and a thick skin to overcome being looked down on by other women people who think being a SAHM is somehow inferior to those in the workplace.

I think there can be a balance. I work part time for sake of my sanity, when I'm at work I miss the kids and wish I was home and when I'm at home for any extended period of time I would be glad of a shift sometimes!