Expressing emotions lead to argument?

[ELRainbow]

So sadly there is this relooping situation which keeps happening to one of my close friends. Whenever I try to open up about me feeling upset about something & try to explain why I am. It turns into an argument?

When I just want my emotions to be understood and validated. That's it..

Instead they give me reasons to why they have done certain things that counter the reasons to why I've got upset and doesn't once acknowledge the emotion I have felt. When I just want "I understand why you feel that way and I'm sorry"

They also make it out that some of the reasons I give are like "guilt tripping" and "making them feel bad"

Why does me opening up just wanting some care and validation turn into a big argument which is "affecting our friendship"

I'm a big empathetic person so I'm struggling trying to understand. I will openly say I am terrible sometimes with how I word things but I'm only human.. & I always apologise for them and understand how it comes across

Any tips pls

Gosh, it feels like you expect a lot from your friend. "I understand how you feel and I am sorry" is asking for a huge amount of contrition with no opportunity to defend their actions or mitigate for their mistake. It's not a usual approach to an apology unless there has been an enormous betrayal, the likes of which would usually end a friendship in any case.

Wait I'm confused here with your response. I'm not saying it's wrong for them to explain their reasonings. I'm saying why is it my feelings get dismissed when I just want them to be acknowledged & not to feel in the wrong for being upset

I expect they think that think that their reasons should demonstrate a lack of intention to hurt your feelings. In most situations that would be enough to move past the situation.

But I guess I'm thinking of the usual patter of friendship, sorry I'm late - traffic was awful, sorry I can't make your birthday - I have an appointment, type thing. Obviously if it's 'Sorry I ran over your cat, it was in the way' - then it's totally inappropriate to ask you to shelve your feelings.

Yes. Recognise that this person is unable or unwilling to give you the care and validation that you are demanding of them. Friendships come in all shapes and sizes so look for the positives you give each other and look to your other friends, or therapist or journal, for the emotional support you need.

if you keep doing the same thing over and over, despite getting the same response, you will lose this friend.

Hey, I'm up ridiculously early, mnetting because the wind is rattling round the house. I saw your post and thought I could offer some consolation that most people are just trying to offer an apology while defending their lack of intention to hurt you but if I've got the wrong end of the stick, just consider it the ramblings of a woman who should either go back to sleep or just call it quits, get up and have a coffee.

I totally hear you but it's never like that. For example; if I was to explain what has upset me: it's like my reasons are not good enough to why I'm upset and instead I'm being told that I'm saying it to "guilt trip them" when that isn't the case I'm just explaining why I'm upset. Just a little confusing you know when it's as simple as I'm sorry I made you feel this way & can understand however (then you obvs talk about your reasons) it's very healthy like that no? because you acknowledging the other person feelings but then communicating your pov. But the first part doesn't happen

Thanks for this message. I wouldn't say I'm demanding it. That's a strong word. In my brain it's just normal for me to do that with my friends etc. but I agree everyone is different

Hello OP, wise advice from EYES. Some people just aren't very good with handling their own feelings let alone those of someone else. This friend of yours seems very defensive, unable to listen, and can't seem to put herself in your shoes. Unfortunately you are probably hoping too much of her. She has other qualities presumably but isn't emotionally intelligent. You should probably step back a bit from this friendship to avoid getting hurt. She is not able to give you the validation and support you want from her. Find a better friend. Someone who listens and really cares about you. Hugs. ;)