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Original poster

need you to advise re my friend.

41 replies

Donbean · 27/12/2004 19:44

DH and me have known this friend for years and years. We hadnt heard from him in months so i text him.
When he replied he said that he had been very unwell and had been hospitalised with depression and had tried to commit suicide.
I was not shocked by this but heartbroken that he had felt so very low and alone at this time and we were not there for him.
Any way he is recieving appropriate care, help and support from the professionals and i have persuaded him to visit us a couple of times.
He just cries and cries, tells me of his symptoms and the big black hole that he is in. I just dont know what to say to him.
Ive told him this, i have told him how much he means to us, i have told him that we dont care if he wants to come and just cry. He must come and cry,(as long as he doesnt try to eat my cakes) I have just piled positive upon positive to him. Try to look ahead to the future.
By the time he leaves he is definitely in a better mental state,the next time he comes its the same. I dont care about this, i dont care if he comes for the next 10 years saying the same thing, as long as he comes.
Ive googled the title "depression" and not got too many practical suggestions. There are allot of you who post on this thread, how can i help him,what can we do for him.
To add, he lights up a room when he walks in, he really does, i cant tell you what a wonderful person he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donbean · 27/12/2004 21:11

Thats just it W&R, you had/have something to be depressed about, both he and i cant see for the life of us what has happened to make it all go so disasterously and devestatingly wrong. And all so suddenly.
(ps Angelina somebody...fat arse IMHO)

OP posts:
Christmassbee · 27/12/2004 21:13

Message withdrawn

JudgeFlounce · 27/12/2004 21:15

Message deleted

Original poster
Donbean · 27/12/2004 21:15

Ok every one thankyou so much for your help. I very much appreciate that this is a subject that i can never comprehend fully as i have never been where you have been. This is why what you say to me is so very important and valuable. You are all bright shining stars in this world and i for one am thankful for your experiences.
XXXXXX

OP posts:
Original poster
Donbean · 27/12/2004 21:16

Angelina...boobs...padding.....arse...defo fat!!!

OP posts:
JudgeFlounce · 27/12/2004 21:20

Message deleted

Original poster
Donbean · 27/12/2004 21:23

Indeed indeed.
Now where did i put that tin of cadbury roses.....
night night W&R x

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JudgeFlounce · 27/12/2004 21:26

Message deleted

SmokedSamN · 27/12/2004 21:51

Donbeam, you might want to look at depression cure . It is the newer incarnation of 'the glass belljar' which is a site I found useful when I was depressed. Unfortunately it seems to have a worse layout and is now peppered with ads, but it still has useful information. The 'feelings' page might give you a bit of an idea what he's going through (although it sounds like you're pretty well tuned in already) and the 'therapy' page gives a very good, concise introduction to CBT. I expect his psychologist has already given him a list of the common negative automatic thoughts but it might help you to see what the 'rational responses' are.

BTW, I agree with all of OCLUADior's comments about what it's like being depressed and what to do to try and help him. I think the idea of having something to look forward to in a month is great. I remember having a wonderful time preparing for a Halloween party which was the talk of the town - right in the middle of my depression.

Dp has fallen asleep in front of Tomb Raider so either those lips, boobs and thighs have little appeal to him or perhaps it's just that ds2 woke us up every 2 hours last night. I prefer to think it's the former

SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 27/12/2004 22:18

Hi Donbean. I wish I could offer you some real good words of advice but it sounds to be like you are doing everything a wonderful friend can do. You are a wonderful listener and offer many kind words, which I have received from you myself through my own difficult times. Everything you are doing for your friend is just great and I am sure that he knows all this too. Try not to bring yourself down too much.

TwasTheNightBeforeXmasOwl · 28/12/2004 08:47

donbean...as someone who has had depression on and off for approx the last 15 years i can say that you are already doing so many good things for your friend. people with depression often feel like a burden to others and are scared someone will tell them to "snap out of it". the best you can do is be there, make it clear you are there. listen, be patient and dont be afraid to try and make him laugh also. sometimes it cheers a person up if a friend can listen for a while and be sympathetic then make them laugh and take their mind of things..even if only for a while. the main thing though, is that knowing there are people there for you...it makes one hell of a difference. in my darkest hours i have suddenly thought of the people who have tried so hard to make me feel better..and that has given me hope. you sound like a wonderful friend xx

Original poster
Donbean · 28/12/2004 11:09

Oh thanks every one. I absolutely agree about the making him laugh comment. Because we are such good friends i can gauge what would be innapropriate and what would fit at a precise moment so in amongst his tears i have made him laugh so hard that snot came out of his nose (sorry)!!! I was very pleased with myself at that moment, if not a tiny bit nauseous!!!
I will look at that webby smokedsamn ta. Im hungry for information of the factual nature at the moment as well as your experiences so that i can get a hold on things.

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Original poster
Donbean · 28/12/2004 11:11

Sparkx

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SPARKLER1clausiscomingtotown · 28/12/2004 22:35

How's he doing Donbean?

Original poster
Donbean · 31/12/2004 13:01

Well i text him about 2 days ago to say that ive got some good websites on line (as advised by Judgeflounce but he hasnt replied. Im inclined to think that he has been having a couple of bad days so i have left it. Im going to text him again today to just say hello.
As he isnt on line himself i have told him to come and use our puter whenever he wants as i know that he does like the factual stuff.
Thanks for asking Spark, its good of you x

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Original poster
Donbean · 14/01/2005 16:33

Hi, just wanted to give you an update as you were all kind enough to advise. I wanted to let you know the effectiveness that taking your advice has been.Not just that, i wanted to say another big thankyou for sharing and helping me to understand a small fraction of this illness.
My lovely friend is doing ok. It has been about 5 weeks since his first visit to me and the improvement is visible. He is putting weight on, eating again and has odd days when he doesnt cry. This is major as the emotional side of it was crippling.
His medication has been juggled and he is even talking of a gradual withdrawl programme supervised by his Dr's.
He is able to talk and is recalling alot of what we talk about so i know that what i am saying to him is making sense and staying with him.
I dont know if i have done right but i felt the overwhelming urge to tell him stuff,stuff like what he means to us, how he lights up the room and how we have always been there for each other.
This made him cry but he later mentioned it in a positive manner.
Your posts made me see that i cannot tackle this with advice or well meaning comments, i needed to just listen. I did this but felt that i had to have my say. I needed him to know these things so that maybe if one day he is at rock bottom again, they may just surface and stop him.
The professional care that he is recieving will hopefully do that job, thats what they are there and trained for. Now i understand this and it makes absolute sense to me.
I have decided to undertake a course in councelling,my knowledge is so lacking and i feel helpless. I want to learn to listen better.
Any way, ive droned on enough now.
Please accept my sincerest thanks to you all for your guidance, it truely is appreciated.
Donbeanx

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