Nervous breakdown

[sunflower185]

Looking for support/advice as feeling very down and over whelmed, and have just had a bit of an emotional breakdown. My partner is away this weekend and I am looking after both children, 4yo and 2 yo. I work full time in a high pressure job, despite this I try to give everything I can to my kids outside work, even if it means pushing myself to my mental and physical limit at times. I struggled to have kids and am extremely grateful for my boy and girl. This weekend i tried to keep myself together, but by Sunday afternoon was just worn out by their constant demands and being treated like a waitress in my own home. I’m up at 6 every day and then it feels like it’s non stop meeting their demands and having to find creative ways to get them to do things, as well as the normal everyday struggles around simple things like leaving the house. When my oldest was difficult about going to bed this evening I literally snapped, started screaming at her, and felt like I had to restrain myself from being physical. She finally went to sleep and I locked myself in my room crying. I then got a hurtful message from a family member and before I knew it I was on the floor writhing with rage, in an out of control way. I have a big deadline at work tomorrow and am not ready so know on some level I have just been pushing this stress down and it’s bubbled up, but now I feel like I am maybe either having a nervous breakdown or just a horrible monster who is too selfish to deal with the inevitable challenges of parenting. Would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in this situation and knows what it feels like xx

Hi op
Sorry your feeling like this but full
Time pressures work plus two very young dc and a house to run is too much for someone to consistently juggle without the wheels falling off

Can you and your dh re group and look at options of maybe condensing your hours or dropping some hours at all?

It does get easier once the dc are a little older and in pre schools and school etc but you need to keep yourself well physically and mentally right now while they need you so much and for your own sanity.

Being pulled in so many directions will eventually take its toll so if you can try to compromise somewhere now it will pay dividends in the long run

Parenting is a whole new level of hard especially when you don't have any help even just for a weekend. the workload is just so much all of the time and anyone who says they've never snapped at their child is kidding themselves.

Do you get any self care time when partner is home? X

Thank you @dothehokeycokey and @mumtum2023 i really appreciate your quick replies, especially as am just lying here crying . I think it’s definitely a case of the wheels falling off. I don’t get a lot of self care time to be honest, and when I do get time I tend to prioritise getting household chores done as hate having them pile up. I constantly feel like I live with the feeling of not having enough time., and get annoyed with myself if I waste time. I think reviewing my hours might be the only solution and agree will be grateful for this in the long term/if I can avoid feeling this overwhelmed. Good to know it gets easier! Xx

So sorry to hear this and sending massive hugs. You have got a lot going on and having 2 little ones makes it all seem so much harder, but it does get easier. For now, it seems like some self-care is needed and maybe a reduction in work hours if possible. I hope once your work deadline has been met, you manage to take some time for yourself to do something nice for you. We are always so good at putting everyone first, but we have to remember, we can't pour from an empty cup. Look after yourself by showing yourself some compassion too.

@sunflower185

One evening this week when dh is home make yourself a priority.

Tell him once the dc are in bed he needs to be doing the clean up from the evening while you run a bath.

Lie in it and actually soak. Epsom
Salts are good

Do a face and hair mask

When you get out use a really nice smelling moisturiser.

Oil and moisturise your face

File and tidy your nails or paint them if that's something you normally do.

Put on some lovely fresh pjs and go to bed with a book/kindle and a cup of tea.

Honestly this makes me feel so much better it's unreal.

Sitting down and deciding with dh how to reduce hours etc etc is something you could do another evening this week once the dc are in bed.

Go through figures on paper and the practicalities together and come up with a plan.

Having a light at the end of the tunnel will help you feel tons better before you even put things in motion

I've been there op and the stress has really taken a toll on my body

My dc are teens now and although life's busy running my own
Business and running kids around and looking after a home and the admin of life I make myself take time out as I recognise when I need to.

@sunflower185
I've also just tagged you in a post on general mental health.

There's some lovely people on there in similar situation and are all supporting each other so thought it could be good for you to have a read through x

Thank you so much all for the kind messages and @dothehokeycokey for introducing me to this support group, I will find this so valuable. I think this weekend has been a real lesson in slowing down and stopping just believing I can give up all my personal needs and push myself to the limit! I really appreciate the warmth and support xx

@sunflower185

How are you feeling today?
Did you get a chance to speak to your dh about wanting a re group?x

That’s so nice of you to check in!! I’m feeling better, though now have massive regret at allowing myself to get so worked up and snapping at DD. I see so many mums on the school run looking calm and blissed out by parenting and can’t help wondering why I am so frazzled by it all, I guess some of us cope better than others. I’m going to sit down with him tonight and discuss solutions, otherwise the treadmill will just continue! I hope you had a good day? Xx

@sunflower185 I bet a lot of those school mums feel exactly like you and are hiding it, just like you probably try to do. Appearances are just that! Reviewing your hours sounds like a good idea, and schedule in some time for yourself. What do you like to do? Pampering like nails or a massage? Are you crafty or have a hobby like the gym or dancing? X

It’s so funny I feel like I’ve abandoned all hobbies for career and kids (how sad!), maybe it’s time I found a new one!! Pampering definitely sounds perfect right now though! I love reading too so might treat myself to some new books! X ps and yes you’re so right on the school run mums

@sunflower185 not sad at all! Harsh reality for a lot of mums, it's not as easy as just trying to make time etc. Getting stuck into a good book will be an escape too. you could even read whilst having a pedicure! 🤣🥰

@mumtum2023

We all have days like this
Are you going to see a doctor ?

I use st johns wort and kalms when I feel overwhelmed rescue remedy

Also you need a break but that is easier said than done

I also understand the pressure to be grateful after fertility struggles

Also never assume that other mums have their shit together better than you , it's easy to assume that on a surface level , I'm very confessional and tell people what as shambles of a person I am I wish more people would be honest with each other!

Keep talking about how you feel , keep asking for help and never feel bad about it ever

(())))))))))hug))))))))))))

I notice that neither you or PPs have mentioned your DH - in my experience this kind of pressure is almost always due to the fact that the woman is bearing a far greater load than the man.

Why was he away for the weekend? Does he split the before and after work childcare 50/50, scrupulously? And the same with cleaning and domestic organisation, and food shopping, cooking, clearing ? Does he do exactly half of all the thinking and planning that is necessary before you even get to the doing of any of those things?

Men who step up and make it their business to see all the hidden labour as well as the obvious work don't tend to have wives who are at breaking point. But many wives have internalised this widespread misogyny and cannot see what is right before their eyes.