TW: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and can be a tough subject
I wanted to write this for anyone who is going through what I went through just over a year ago and is desperately searching for some reassurance. Just some pretext, I have suffered with generalised anxiety disorder for most of my life and this was my first child.
This started a few weeks before my son was born. I got hit with perinatal OCD which manifested itself in intrusive thoughts. I won't be specific about the thoughts I had but they were based around pedophilia and had me questioning myself, morals and my sanity.
It started with one thought while I was scrolling through tiktok which caused every muscle in my body to tense and my stomach to churn. I tried to figure out why it happened and before I knew it, they just kept coming. For days, my morning, noon and night was plagued with these thoughts. I searched constantly for reassurance that I wasn't a bad person, that these thoughts weren't real and it was all in my head but nothing I read seemed to ease my mind and I suffered in silence for days as I internally crucified myself for the disgusting person I had become. I would go to bed at night and tell myself it would be okay because I would have forgot about it in the morning, but it would be the very first thing that crept into my mind the second I woke up and it was like being stabbed repeatedly. I started to question my babies safety with me, how this would affect my ability to be a mother and if I was going to be able to breastfeed.
I'm not sure I have ever suffered so badly with my mental health than I did in those days. It got so bad that I considered the only viable option to stop it was to end my life because I felt like they would never stop and I would stuck with it forever. I think the only reason I am still here to write this now is because I was pregnant at the time and didn't want any harm to come to my son. My husband could tell something was wrong. But in my mind, there was no way I could tell anyone what was happening. I couldn't tell the doctor because what if they took my baby away, what if they locked me up? (please do not stop reading here if you are having these thoughts and thinking the same).
But eventually it became too much and when I woke up one morning to these thoughts once more, I broke down in tears and just screamed, which of course woke my husband up. I finally explained to him what was going on and how I was feeling and he was so understanding and one of the things he said to me that really stuck was "you can't beat yourself up over something you haven't done. They're just thoughts, you've done nothing wrong". I think till that point I really felt like I had done something wrong but he was right. I had done nothing wrong and instead my brain was messing with me. Being able to open up to someone gave me instant relief as I wasn't alone anymore and I started to find things to do that took my mind off it for a bit, but they still came and went multiple times throughout the day but I managed to take care of my little boy just fine at the end of all that.
I think one of the most torturous things about it was when I wasn't having the thoughts, I was thinking about the thoughts, obsessing over them, analysing them and trying to make sense of them. But there is nothing to make sense of, there is nothing to analyse and the obsession really was all in my head. It is so important to note that just because you have an intrusive thought, does not mean that you want or will act on it.
I did end up speaking to my doctor and a therapist about what was going on as they would come and go and still give me a lot of anxiety and I was diagnosed with perinatal OCD. One thing they told me was that what I was going through was one of the most common obsessions with perinatal OCD. The exact same thing happens with thousands of women as they go through pregnancy and childbirth and it is more to do with the changing chemicals and hormones in your body. If this is you right now. You are going to be okay and you will get past this. It's been a year and I barely even think about it any more. Please reach out to your doctor and explain what is going on and how it is affecting you. You do not have to suffer in silence. This sadly happens to so many women and due to the taboo of the subject, so many women aren't getting any help. I will try to answer any questions and I wish you all the best!