Hi,
I have bipolar, currently in a mild depressive episode according to psychologist but I’m medicated. I cope well with my daily routine and children, mainly because I have to.
I have 4 children. I had my first when I was 17 from a previous relationship. I found out I was pregnant late in to the pregnancy, I wanted to give my child up for adoption as I didn’t feel ready (I am extremely glad I did not) however my parents told me they’d never speak to me again if I did and I’d be homeless with no family. So I had him, I went on to go to uni with lots of childcare support from my mum and I graduated. Due to this situation my son has a very strong bond with his nan and I feel he prefers her to me (always wants to go to hers, wants her when he’s sick etc)
At 20 I got in to a relationship with a man from uni. At 21 I found out I was pregnant despite precautions and we were married when I was 5 months pregnant only weeks after graduation. Husband and I moved in to our own house (that was given by his parents) he had a lot of financial resources that I did not and somewhat enjoyed the feeling he was better than me and that I had to depend on him. When we would have an argument he’d often say “take your son and leave my daughter and get out of my house” (after our daughters birth)
He became very controlling mentally and emotionally and physically. He’d tell me I was fat and ugly, show me photos of other girls and say “why can’t you look like her” when I expressed desire to end the relationship he would say that he would take my children and I’d be on the streets with my son. He always referenced how he could afford the best lawyers and how my mental health would impact me getting custody and I believed him. We had 3 more children after our daughter was born.
He wouldn’t allow me on contraceptives. I brought home the pill and he got very abusive and threw it away. He made it clear that if I didn’t continue having children for him he wanted me out. He wouldn’t allow me to work.
My third child (our second) was stillborn in 2019. He always made me feel like this was my fault and had no issues reminding me it was my fault everyday and for a long time and even somewhat now I believed it was my fault. I was a week overdue when I went in and they couldn’t find a heart beat. He always says I should have known something was up or made them induce me earlier and I believe that too.
Then had another daughter in late 2020.
In July 2023 I had our son at 26 weeks gestation for unknown reasons. He had 2 major brain bleeds. He is still the size of a newborn and oxygen dependent. He can’t move well beyond what a newborn can do, the consultant believes he has cerebral palsy but will not diagnose until he’s older. Again he blames me for this, says my body failed him and it must have been something I did. He also was very angry about this because and I quote he didn’t want a “retarded” son.
In December he left me for another women. Obviously I was devastated more so because I felt it meant there was something wrong with me. But I am actually glad that I managed to get out of the relationship. He has no interest in gaining custody of the children because of our sons health even though our daughters are healthy. He hasn’t even seen them since. He agreed that we can stay living in the property until divorce proceedings. His family are actually lovely people and are financially supporting us right now and really dislike him when I told them the truth of everything. They have a great relationship with all of my children and are a huge help.
But anyway, I’m 28, I feel like I’m only getting older and I’ve lost my life. I see my friends from school/uni, most of which don’t even have kids. They’re traveling, finally getting engaged/married, in good careers etc. I am envious of them. I’m getting older and soon it will be too late, why haven’t I lived my life for me? Why did I live my life for other people? I feel somewhat like it’s now or never. I wish I could just move to australia or America and start fresh. Be free of responsibilities, get a good job, start dating and experience life and men before settling down. I want what all my friends have done, and like I said I feel like it’s now or never because of my age. I’d love nothing more than to relive my life and do exactly that. I often day dream about moving abroad, having a good career and dating without any responsibilities. I know now that I’m pretty undesirable to date because I have 4 children one of whom is disabled. I know I will likely never have another date let alone relationship and although I don’t want a date/relationship now, I would like it at some point. I feel that perhaps I have just gone straight from one relationship (the one that resulted in my first child) to my second relationship and that’s it, I’ve experienced nothing, I never got to date and choose who I wanted to start a family with.
Of course I’d never do the above because morally I could not do that, I know my responsibility’s are my children and I’d never abandon that responsibility and leave it to my family. I could never leave my children and have them wonder where I am or why I did it. I know other people do it and I always think about it and think how on earth could they do that to their children. Although I want to, I can’t if that makes sense?
not just because morally, but also because I love them to bits. I could never spend a day without them let alone just abandoning them. My heart would break, I would die for them in a heartbeat. I love them more than anyone or anything.
Sorry for rambling. Is it normal to feel that I want to get away and start fresh and experience life and have no responsibility’s even though I a) love my kids and b) would never actually do it.
i feel like a terrible person.