Sorry, long post - appreciate anyone reading it. Looking for guidance and opinions on how to manage my situation. How serious is it? Is counselling the only way?
Every few weeks I get into a state of deep depression whereby I spend a day in bed crying/sleeping/ binge watching/browsing on the phone. Then another day to gradually return to normal. So lost a lot of weekends over the past two years....
I have a history of depression and anxiety. Received counselling a few years ago but not keen on going back as I didn’t feel I connected with the therapists (3 different people) to enable me to be truly open so I feel my problems are still there.
I had been trying to deal with my feelings and thoughts by myself but not getting anywhere. I still shout at my DCs and DH regularly, making them feel they aren't good enough and it turn I feel awful. I am u able to follow rules and follow through with consequences. We have the same battles most days.
I am not close to family members neither physically nor emotionally. I gave a good network of friends but they are too buried in their own problems that they are not interested in mine. I don't feel I can call any of them when I am low. We just meet for a walk or a meal when I am good.
My husband is trying really hard but can't understand me. Talking about feelings never goes anywhere. We have been together 26 years, married 17 and our relationship is under strain because of my feelings and his inability to help. He just forgets every crisis as soon as it's over, he won't ask how I am, he just expects me to be OK and deal with things. Doesn't want to know about my feelings because he can't manage them. He doesn't talk about his feelings. We criticise each other a lot. Sometimes I wonder if are right for each other or too scare to admit that we are not? We have been together since are were 17. We grew up together. I talk to him about everything, he is my best friend but why can't we get through this?
I feel overwhelmed at work and at home.
We both work full time, he works very long hours. We have a teen and a preteen and my main concern is loosing my connection with them. I don't have the energy or interest to check homework, talk enough with them and just spend time with them. All I want is to be by myself, in peace and quiet. The house has been messy and dirty for the past two years which is very unlike me...
I find myself procrastinating a lot and constantly looking for feedback/appreciation and don't get it from anywhere. Very few would even say thank you... feel taken for granted a lot.
I put a lot of effort into relationships with friends and family but don't get much back. People have bigger issues, I try to understand them, be there for them but there's nobody there for me. They all see me as the strong one... because I only see them when I am good.
I lost interest in exercising, trying to loose weight. I am in my early forties and perimenopausal so this is also affecting me in many ways.
I just want to go somewhere peaceful.... I would sell our house and move to a remote village but that's not an option for DCs and DH. My DH is running a thriving business and can't leave that behind as many people depend on him. The kids love their life. So I feel stuck.
I just lost interest in anything that would supposedly get me out of this state as everything I tried didn't work - exercise, healthy diet, socialising, going on a short break with friends and another one with my husband....
I grew up in a nice village community and miss that a lot. I am aware it's very hard to find this nowadays.
Other than counselling and all of the above, how can I help myself and my family?