I'm tired 😔

[hk1993x]

I'm so tired of feeling the extreme anxiety or the low depression. It's been weeks now, I see small glimmers of hope in my day and I try so hard to cling on to them and then it all comes crashing down. I'm physically and mentally exhausted 😔. I don't know what to do, I'm under the home treatment team and I know they are trying to help me but I feel like I am beyond help. I don't want to die, i want to live and be happy with my kids and hubby but I'm struggling..I feel like this is pushing me further and further to the edge of getting the suicidal thoughts even more but then i think of the kids and how i want to see them everyday and be alive. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel so worthless, hopeless, a piece of crap, a crap mum and wife. I serve no purpose to anyone this way.

I don't know what to gain from this post other than I'm just getting beyond desperate to vent, and when I do speak to the professionals the mind just goes blank, the tears start and the dissociation sets in.

Everyone deserves so much more better than me. My hubby deserves a wife who is so much better than me and my kids deserve a mum who can mentally be a mum.

I'm at a loss, I gave up uni, I've just turned into a total shell of myself and I'm finding it so hard to see any light at the end of this tunnel 😔

Can you show your post to the home treatment team? It can be hard to talk but they need to know how you feel to be able to help you.

If you had broken a leg, you wouldn't berate yourself for not being able to run after your children or climb the stairs or cook a meal. You would accept that you need support and understanding until you had recovered. There's no difference with mental illness.

Can I suggest one thing you could try? Imagine if the part of your mind that criticises you were to suddenly break, it's gone dumb. Imagine waking up tomorrow morning and being completely unable to give yourself any negative feedback or criticism. How much criticism would you actually receive that day? I would wager there would be none...

Oh @hk1993x I’m so sorry you are still struggling so much but I totally get every word 😔 I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away for you as I know the mental pain you’re in and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve just had the home treatment team in but they just ask the same questions every day, am I eating, am I sleeping, do I have thoughts of harming myself, etc etc. I know they are just doing their job but I just want to scream at them to make me better! 🙈

I don’t know what the answer is but you are definitely not a crap mum or wife you are just going through a really hard time and are running on empty so it’s hard to give anything of yourself to anyone else.

im here whenever you need to rant 🫠 sending hugs xxxx

I am at home with the kids etc and they all want to do something and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and sleep. I have my youngest sitting cuddling up to me and I feel the love I have for him and my other kids and its breaking my heart. I feel trapped, like its literally life and death. And I so wanna live 😔😔😔

and you will live, believe me I know how hard it is to imagine that right now but you have got through this before and you will again, however long it takes ❤️ the most important thing is your kids know that you love them and all they want is for their mum to be there with them right now whatever form or shape that is right now. Please don’t give up, if this is rock bottom then the only way is up x

I have my physical at the hospital and I'm praying to God they find something wrong. Just so I can blame that for making me feel this way 😔 had a good cry in the toilet a while ago and hubby has ordered a takeaway for us all so it's just been a lazy day for us all. I need to get better 😔 xx

Enjoy ur takeway, remember tomorrow is a new day, really hope it’s a better one for you ❤️

How are u @hk1993x ? x

Hey hun, I'm okay. Had a bad morning and had psychiatrist today. Talking to her helped me understand a little that I'm trapped in a vicious circle and I'm protective of my feelings etc. She suggested that I get put on a waiting list for CBT but it's a lengthy waiting list 🫠 I told her my head isn't in the right place to process any information in cbt and therapy etc, I have the psychiatrist on Thursday and I'm pushing for a mood stabiliser as I'm either extremely depressed or extremely distressed. Will see what plan they all come together with. I'm dealing with my poorly mum now who also has mental health issues and I've been at A&E with her too. So just staying afloat just now 🫠.

How are you doing? Xx

Sorry psychologist today, psychiatrist on Thurs! X

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear about your mum lovely, I hope she’s ok. 😔 I’m glad you have some kind of plan in place for yourself as it sounds like your still not getting much relief 🫠 I’ve seen a few people mentioning a mood stabiliser, I’ve never heard of that before?

im still really struggling too, felt really low and so anxious these past few days, im surviving but It’s tough! Sending u big hugs xxx

Yeah mornings are the worst for me, can't wake up, feel energetic or nothing. Just constant shaking and zombie mode, once kids go to school I will have a good cry x

I know the feeling 🫠 the therapist said I need to get up as I normally would with the kids first thing and try to get over that feeling of not wanting to get out of bed but I still haven’t managed it! 🙈 I don’t know what I’m so afraid of all the time it’s just exhausting. I’m up and dressed now waiting for the treatment team but I’m almost shaking with panic it’s ridiculous. It’s moments like this that I just can’t see how things will ever change!

hope u had a good cry, sometimes that goes give me a bit of relief! Do u have a visit today? xx

Yeah it's easier said than done eh! I've been struggling so much to get out of bed due to exhaustion!! And no visit today as I have psychiatrist tomorrow so will see what happens then xx

how do u sleep? Only asking because I was given promithazine which basically is an antihistamine but it has calming effects and if I take it before bed it helps me sleep! x

I actually sleep amazingly well. But I think I snore or something or my quality of sleep isn't good as I'm always exhausted! 🫠 can't win lol xx