Nowhere to run!

[mamam2boys]

Ive wanted to post a message for so long, just to get it out of my system how i feel but i have never plucked up the courage to do it. As i type now i have no idea whether or not i'll actually hit the send button.

I just dont know what to do anymore nothing seems to work for me. Im on my second type of AD's and i still feel absolutely awful. I tell everyone im ok but really inside i feel like screaming and kicking out. Sometimes i really think it would be better for everyone if i just threw myself off a cliff and got it over with. Im a useless person. A useless mother. A useless partner. I am utterly discusted with myself for feeling like this... and the self hatred goes on and on.

I want to feel better i want to have days where i feel genuinly happy rather than putting on that false smile that everyone thinks is real. I want to be able to go to bed at night without spending half the night sobbing into my pillow. I want to enjoy my childrens early years. But the way i feel now i dont think i'll ever enjoy anything again.

I was diagnosed with PND a few weeks ago although i have had it a lot longer than that just never spoke out about it. I have 2 boys aged 3 and 1 and im on 50mg of clomipramine.

Please someone tell me things will get better.

Claire x

I'm sure they will. Have you got an understanding health visitor or family GP?

Have you got referred for some counselling / CBT ? ADs on their own often aren't terribly effective.

It is possible to come out of this - it is not permanent and not lifelong - so stick on in there and make sure you can get the best help possible.

My GP is really understanding and i have been referred for counselling im just waiting for an appointment. I just wish i didnt feel so low, and i guess i wish i had someone to talk to that really understands as my partner how ever hard he tries doesnt understand.

I guess i its hard because ive suffered in silence for so long now and i thought coming out and admitting something was wrong and getting help it wouldnt be so bad but in reality its just the same as it ever was.

Thanks for your replies

Claire x

Hi there Mamam2boys - I am mama 3 boys and like you have had pnd and been on ADs but am on St Johns Wort at the mo. Like you I recently have had feelings that my whole family would be better off without me - its so hard to explain but you almost feel like living with a depressed head is almost like you feel like you are dead anyway. Does the weather affect you? I dont know about you but I feel like winter has been so bloody long WHERE ARE THE SPRING/SUNNY DAYS? Am sure when they arrive us depressed bunch will feel a lot better. My only advice is to try not to look too far ahead coz being depressed does make you do that - its like one big long struggle forever. So just think about the present day. Put on a cd that makes you happy/reminds you of good stuff. Dance about with your children and have a silly half hour. AND REPEAT AFTER ME....."I AM NOT A BAD MUM". Hope it makes you feel not so alone to know that there are more people out here with those thoughts and feelings too. Big hugs going out to all those mums with the blues xxxxxxxxxxxxx