How to change my thoughts on this? It still gets me down sometimes

[Cynt77]

I'd a bad breakup a couple of years ago where I was basically discarded like a piece of dirt. I'm long over the heartbreak, and would never go back there- as others said to me, I'd a lucky escape.

Something that still affects me from time to time is the fact we'd a shared hobby for many years, which he went back to. I couldn't face going back and have to mingle with him, so I now do the hobby elsewhere.

For some reason, though, even though I'm getting on fine elsewhere, I still feel down and get angry about the fact I was the one that had to leave. Now, I know it was my decision and nobody forced me to leave, but I have become a bit obsessed thinking about it again recently and feeling down.

Ant suggestions to stop obsessive thoughts/ruminating on this? I tend to overthink in general, so would like to know how to change thoughts.

Have you ever looked at an insect under a microscope? It looks huge doesn't it? But if you were to try and spot that insect from across the room - when it was in proportion to everything else in the same space - you'd wouldn't even be aware if it's existence.

By focussing so intently on this one issue you're allowing it to dominate your thoughts. Take a step back and see it for what it is, a minor unfair blip in your life.

Thanks - that's a good way of looking at it. I do know I'm over-focusing on it but it was a big part of my life for many years. I've been feeling down over something else, unrelated, that happened a while ago, and feel my life has become a bit stagnant, a feeling of can't be bothered, so need to pull myself out of this slump.

Put it in your mental bin, every time you think about it, chuck it in the bin and think “fuck off I don’t need you”.

Think about it as your lizard brain trying to remind you of threats. So if you had been hit by a car your brain would constantly be sending up warning flares about cars to make sure you didn’t get hit by one again (think of it as a survival mechanism). Your brain is reminding you of a painful episode in your life to stop you from doing it again. What you need to do is to tell your brain that you are fine and don’t need the reminder. So everytime the memory pops up say “fuck off, I don’t need you anymore” because you won’t do it again so theres no need for a prompt.

Sounds silly but it does work over time.

I've been feeling down over something else, unrelated

OK, that makes sense. Maybe better to tackle that thing instead?

When you notice that you are over thinking about it in the moment, well-done!!...then check out how you are feeling. Probably you are feeling resentful or something and that feeling wants your attention so it controls your thoughts but if you just give it some attention. Like OK resentment I see you, I hear you. It can float away and no longer control your thoughts.

It might feel more intense when you feel it but it will go away quicker.

Could you reframe it that that you didn't "have to" leave, but chose to in order to protect yourself and your mental health?

You could have stayed but that would have been detrimental to you, so you made the decision to look after yourself - and that decision meant removing yourself from his presence.

"So everytime the memory pops up say “fuck off, I don’t need you anymore”

Right theory, wrong reaction.

Your mind/brain is trying to protect you, so saying "thank you, but it's OK - I've got this now" is far kinder. Your mind is part of your whole so always be good to yourself.

You're spot on - that's exactly why I left, so I don't know why, every so often, my brain is telling me this is unfair. But what you say is very helpful, thanks.

Maybe it's saying it's unfair as you miss the hobby. Have or can you replaced it with something else?

Yes, I do the hobby elsewhere now with a different group of people, which I have gradually settled into and am enjoying now