To put my children in foster care?

[Needadvice1212]

Hi all. I've made a new account for this post.
I am seriously struggling right now. I have 3 children, DD 14 has mental health problems of her own and is currently home educated as she couldn't attend school due to anxiety. We are still awaiting a CAMHS appointment. DD 13 is also home educated. She is on the ADHD pathway and struggled alot at school, she was being suspended constantly with threat of permanent exclusion. She has been home ed for 6 months and seems much happier. I also have DD 6 who is doing great at school and is a very happy little girl.

I have bipolar disorder and severe anxiety, diagnosed 2018 but have suffered since my teenager years. I am on lithium and antipsychotics, have a psychiatrist and am under the care of mental health team. I have a care coordinator who comes to see me regularly.

I separated from my partner of 4 years about 6 months ago as the relationship had turned very sour and to be honest he had become more of a carer than a partner. My mood has been up and down since, I am struggling to keep on top of my meds and I just don't know where to turn anymore. I lay in bed at night wishing I was dead. I daydream about taking all my tablets and not waking up. I don't think I'm actually going to do it, but I hate my existence and wish for an out everyday.

My children's dad is not helping. He has the girls once a week and won't do any longer. I've text him this week asking very calmly if we can have a discussion about the kids staying with him for a while because I am really struggling to cope and he read and ignored the messages. I've spoken to his mum about it and she just said 'well he's not going to do it'. There is no point in me trying to discuss it with him any further as it won't change anything. He also won't allow his mum to have the children one night a week overnight because he says I should be doing it. He said something along the lines of 'theres millions of single mums who do it so why the fuck can't you'.

I've asked my mum if she can have the kids one night a week to give me a break but she can't right now due to work commitments and my dad's ill health. I have noone else.

I need help. I can't do it anymore. I can't sit in my living room because I'm scared everytime someone walks past the house so I hide away in my bedroom. I can't take my daughter to school so my mum has to do the school runs everyday. I'm drowning and I'm broken. I saw my care coordinator today and she was quite concerned. She kept saying I'm flat and I've 'lost my spark'. She's coming back next week. She's also concerned that I've developed an eating disorder as she I've lost 5 stone in 4 and half months.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I need inpatient care but I have noone to have my children so I just keep going but my mental health is deteriorating everyday. Any advice would be great.

You need to ask for help from CS for an assessment and Family Group Conference to see where help can be found for your family.

I am so sorry your partner is such a useless twat. I know this doesn't help but if I was your partner's mum I'd be telling him I don't need his permission to have the girls overnight and he can take his 'not allowed' and stuff it. I'd also tell him I was utterly ashamed of his failure to step up when he's needed. What a dick.

I don't think anyone would blame you in these circumstances. I would certainly make it clear to all of your family members and ex though that this is your plan - even just as a last ditch attempt at getting them to help out.

I have family members who fostered other family members temporarily (for one year) and it worked well. have you got any siblings?

I certainly think your 6 year old would benefit from being in a different house temporarily while you hopefully get some help for your other two daughters and yourself

I've no idea what to say, but I'm sorry, you've been dealt a tough hand. x

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

If you live somewhere where a charity called Safe Families operates, you may be able to be referred for support by social services (if they think you don't meet the threshold for more direct support). You're right to reach out for help and I hope you get it. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

You are not being unreasonable. I am sorry you are struggling so much and your circumstances sound tough, with no family members stepping up. You sound a good and caring mother who is still trying to think of the needs of the children even with all of that on your plate.

I think tomorrow contact CS as above, maybe also your care coordinator again and say what you’ve said in your post. You need direction from them to whoever can help you best in your particular borough, and your particular circumstances.

You're homeschooling and dealing with huge issues while being unwell yourself, and doing it alone, you’re trying your best!

Ask social care about respite care for children in your borough. There are specialist foster carers that can take children under certain circumstances just to give the parents a break, it’s different from them being removed… I don’t know the criteria though. I think you will feel worse knowing the children are removed and it will affect your mental health more, you need a short break, not a complete removal just from the info in your post. I think if you feel able, it is worth contacting the team managing the waiting list at CAMHS - believe me, they do pay attention to individual circumstances and the manager will have certain discretionary powers if they feel a case has a wider need to be moved up the waiting list.

When are the children with their dad next? I think asking your ex/family is just causing you more distress, see if there’s other options for support locally that doesn’t involve them. Do the kids have friends that they could/would go to overnight for a sleepover?

I'm so sorry, OP, that all sounds so tough. I don't have any advice per se, just wanted to share that a family member is a respite foster carer. The idea is they can look after kids for e.g. a couple of weekends a month, giving the parents breathing space. So it's not necessarily all or nothing. Definitely try reaching out to see what help social services can give you. All the very best wishes.

Duckduckgoes yes, that’s what I was thinking - respite care. Hopefully it’s an option in OP’s borough, then the break would not be all or nothing as you say. Lots of good wishes to you OP. You’re already doing brilliantly, you just need and deserve a bit of support 🙏🏻

Could you organise with your ex's mum directly for her to have the kids one night a week? Or does she just do whatever he says and so won't? You really need the support and she is in a position to offer it by the sounds of things. It's awful that your ex is being such an idiot about it. Respite care would also be a really good option if available at all.

When you say you're struggling to keep on top of you meds what do you mean exactly? I think that it is absolutely vital that you take them correctly and anything you can put in place or get someone else to help you so that they are always taken correctly should be your absolute priority right now. Taking them correctly is absolutely, absolutely vital for your well being.

Eating is another thing that can really affect mood OP. Are you able to improve your eating yourself? Is might be something you need to seek help for as that is really extreme weight loss. Please consider getting help for that.

Do you know what help your car coordinator can offer? I would really lean on them and be clear about just how much you're struggling right now.

I think CS could help form a 'team around the child' to build resources around you and the children - these are the exact circumstances they are geared to address.
You need resources OP and CS is meant to help put your childrens needs first and minimise the possibility of trauma.
I think they need to have their mum supported better.

Thank you for all your replies. I will try and reach out for some professional support. Things have continued to get worse this weekend and I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like why is suicide so frowned upon. Why can't there be an out? I'm living in constant mental pain and torture but I'm forced to continue living. Why is the option to stop being in pain so frowned upon. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly but that's my thought process right now.

I'm sorry your weekend has been trying, OP.

Are you taking your meds? You don't really want to end things, at the very minimum you wouldn't want to put your children through that.
Do you feel up to calling 111 and telling them you need urgent help?

Please call for help… your children need you in the long term. Short term they can survive living elsewhere while you get better xxx

Firstly well done for being brave enough to ask a forum for help and asking your family for help it shows you are a great mother- even if you don’t feel like it right now.

Speak to your care coordinator urgently- tell them everything you have said her. She might be able to help get your DDs looked after more by family as a first step ….good luck look after yourself first as you can’t pour from an empty cup

💐 Deep breath, you can do this.

Is there a crisis team/ cafe in your area? Might be worth contacting them now... they'll be able to help and support you and your DC'S.

If you can't get through to anyone to help you please take yourself and your children to A & E, someone there will help. You are doing an amazing job acknowledging how you feel.

I just wanted to add to this thread as its been a while since I originally posted. I can very thankfully say I am now in a much better place, things aren't perfect but they're getting there and me and the girls are much happier.

We moved house to a much nicer area with a lovely garden and most importantly, a fresh start with no negative associations and bad memories. My youngest DD is loving her new school and is very happy. My older two girls are doing well and I have reapplied for them to go back to school in September - I will be ensuring there is adequate support in place before they start which I feel was really lacking at their old school and I wasn't well enough to fight for it.

My family still aren't really involved but I am managing much better on my own, taking meds, eating healthy, exercising, sleeping all night and utilising the one night a week they're with their dad to really recharge and take some time for myself.

I'm super grateful to everyone who replied at the time, you all helped me massively. Thank you x

That’s really good to learn. What advice would you give now to someone who is in the situation you were in, in February?

Just come across your thread and your update is testament to your incredible strength in the face of really trying circumstances. I’m so pleased you’re feeling better and hope your girls are well supported and happy in school in September.

I'm so pleased for you op well done! It's lovely to hear you're doing better and your kids too xx

What an excellent update.

I’m in awe. What an amazingly strong person you sound. Your children are pretty lucky to have you for a mum. ❤️

I'm glad you are feeling better. I wish you good health for the future x

I only just saw this thread but be really proud of yourself OP