Hello, firstly I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to write this and I will be mentioning some things that have happened to me in terms of sexual assault. I just really wanted to write this somewhere so hopefully it is ok to do this.
First off I have been sexually assaulted before, several times and also raped by a guy I was “seeing” when I was 19 years old. I never pressed charges and while I realised what he was doing at the time was wrong, I didn’t think it was rape. But I was asleep and woke up to him having sex with me, so yes it was.
I’m still not sure if what exactly happened to me on this night in particular would be classified as sexual assault, but it should be. It has been haunting me for the last few months with no specific trigger. Sorry for the big build up but here is what happened. On Halloween night over 10 years ago, my drink was spiked in a nightclub by someone I didn’t know but who lived in the local area. Him and his friend then led me to an alleyway, near the club, forced me to perform sex acts on them (I was on my period so they didn’t want to rape me), and next thing I remember I’m waking up with my pants literally ripped apart, blood all down my leg, underwire bra ripped in half. Apparently a taxi driver took pity on me and just took me home for free. My mum said she had never seen anything like it. Whatever went on in that alley way was filmed by the brutes in question and posted all over their Facebook profiles as if I had consented to any of this. I did not know them but they were a few years younger than me at school and the main one had been trying to get my attention at an event a few months earlier but I wasn’t interested.
The video was taken down after my friend told her brother to have a word, but enough people saw it at the time. At that time in my life I was drinking far too much too often, and so it has only been in the last couple of years that I’ve realised my drink was most definitely spiked. I was really fine then all of a sudden everything went black, I had a moment of lucidity when I was being held by this guy who I vaguely recognised and he was kissing me. In that moment I pulled back horrified, then thought I must have been in a dream and had no idea what was going on. In fact the bouncer pulled me aside the next time I was in and asked if I was ok/did I remember what happened that night. I gave my parents so much grief at this young age that I completely took the blame and said it was all just me. I also did not have much awareness of spiking at the time and just thought I had overindulged but I know now that I didn’t. I can never tell them what happened as I honestly think either of them would have a heart attack. I could tell the bouncer felt sorry for me.
Has anyone been through anything remotely similar? Is therapy the only option do you think here? I have a young child, working and limited time. I was coping ok with this, I tried to push it to the back of my mind but every year around Halloween I break down thinking about it and recently I am thinking about it again nonstop. Thank you for reading and again I am sorry if this is posted in the wrong place. X