OCD or depression?

[Mummyrj18]

Hi there I'm a mum of 3 (13,9,3). Ive always been very close to my children and loved being a Mum. But recently Ive been having intrusive thoughts that I don't love my youngest, or that I hate being a Mum now.The more I try to search for that feeling of love or pride in my kids I just feel total panic. its an endless loop in my head and is making me miserable.Feel Like I've been faking being a good mum. Anyone had similar ? I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon but in the meantime searching the internet for reassurance that these are just meaningless thoughts which gives temporary relief
Started sertraline 3 weeks ago which worsened anxiety and mood but hoping it will start to work soon.

@Mummyrj18 didn't want to read and run. As someone that suffers with ocd I've had it since childhood. My experience of it means a number of things for me. Compulsions, rituals, constant self doubt, constant second guessing, constant intrusive thoughts its consuming. If this is a new and one off occurrence I'm not sure it would fit ocd but I'm not a doctor. Please reach out to your gp, they won't judge you they're there to help :)

@Helplessandheartbroke thank you...I have been talking to my gp and hoping to get help soon. I've had two episodes like this before but years apart. It always seems to focus on my kids, am I enjoying being mum do I love my kids enough, do I love one more than another and if I can't feel the right emotion like love or pride I feel trapped in a panic and end up on google for hours trying to prove its not how I really feel. But it feels so real. I have to keep reminding myself of all the happy times with my kids but I feel like I can't remember when I'm panicking. Thank you for listening xx

@Mummyrj18 ask for an assessment they nay refer you to talking therapies which has helped me. If you weren't a good mum, you wouldn't be worrying about it 😉 x

@Mummyrj18 I second what @Helplessandheartbroke has said. If you weren't a good mum you wouldn't care or worry about it. I've had OCD for many years and generally the thoughts are the opposite of your values. Maternal OCD and OCD Action websites might be worth a look for you. Xx

There can be a lot of overlap between symptoms. In depressive moods I can get symptoms of pure O OCD and get a lot of obsessive thoughts that I can't break. I just sit in a spiral and until I have completed the thought loop, no matter how distressing it is. They are often around bad things happening to people I love and I can't stop the thoughts until I've got through the loop and they die and then I have to go through their funeral and so on. It is completely real even if they are sat right next to me in real life.

I have never had an OCD diagnosis as it only happens in relation to my bipolar and depressive episodes. So it's a symptom of that rather than something in its own right.

It might be helpful to keep a diary about what happens and when to help identify the cause and the effect of the symptoms.

@Ilovedogs1 @Superscientist thank you both. ITs so draining. Just want to feel like myself again...sometimes I can label them a just intrusive thoughts and cope but other times they feel so real in my head and I just go into a total panic. Constantly trying to prove they are not true which is exhausting xxx

@Mummyrj18 it is exhausting. From the many books I've read and experts I've followed exposure response prevention seems to be the recommended way to go. Its almost like saying 'so what I don't care' to the thoughts which I know seems a bit back to front but it's about desensitising yourself to the anxious feeling. I'm working with a OCD coach atm, its really hard going but I'm trying to put my faith and trust into it. X