Terrified of getting ill again - health anxiety?

[QueenBing]

Apologies if this is long, I’m going to try and include as much info as possible.

I started a new job in September (secondary school teacher) and in October I caught whooping cough. I was very ill and needed a month off work then I did a phased return up until Christmas. I went back in January doing normal hours feeling ok, still had a bit of a cough and was fatigued, and then at the beginning of February I either caught covid or flu and again was really ill. When I saw the doctor he said my immune system had taken such a battering that I’m going to be susceptible to viral respiratory infections for a few months. I’ve been off work all of February and I’m due back Wednesday this week.

The thought of returning to work terrifies me. I have been so ill with these lurgies that I’ve struggled to breathe and I’ve vomited with such violent coughing fits, twice in front of a class. I panic when I can’t catch my breath, even on a windy day and the wind is in my face I panic. If I’m at the hairdressers I have to make sure the hairdryer doesn’t blow in my face. If I’m giving someone a hug I have to make sure my nose isn’t squashed. I also had hyperemesis during my second pregnancy so when I’m sick I’m reminded of that hideous time. So being sick and struggling to breathe are two huge things for me and I’m petrified of getting ill and experiencing these symptoms again.

I don’t know what the solution is. I can’t stay at home forever in a sterile bubble, I’m also struggling with being out of routine. I have bipolar disorder (very well managed) and all of this is affecting my mental health. A few of my triggers are there for a bipolar episode (overeating, not sleeping, drinking too much) and I know the best thing I can do is get back into a routine. However, going into school to get that routine back and risking getting physically ill is making me sick with worry.

Have you had an all clear from your doctor to go back to work?

Yes, he said he didn’t need to see me again at the end of this current fit note. Physically I feel ok, certainly well enough to be at work, but mentally I’m so anxious about it. I haven’t discussed this with my doctor, partly because I don’t want to be signed off again and I don’t want to let my colleagues down any more than I already have done.

OK, so I think what's happened is that a part of your mind got a severe shock from the severity of your illness (which is not surprising - struggling to breathe must be terrifying) and has made the association of that fear with school/work. It therefore is ramping up your anxiety in an effort to keep you away from that danger and in the safe environment of home. The memory of your hyperemesis will further reinforce that fear.

Imagine this fear is a child, calling out in the night that there's a monster under the bed. Would you, the adult, scoop the child into your arms and run screaming into the street? No, you'd reassure the child that there's no monster and that you are always there to make sure they are safe. Once your fear knows that you - the logical rational you - are in control and that you are going to go back to work whether it likes it or not you should find that it subsides.