I thought my dad was a narcissist but it's me.

[depresseddaisy]

I have just discovered I probably am I covet/vulnerable narcissist. What can I do to chance myself and be a better person? Or am I just a bad person that can't be helped?

I suspected my dad was a narcissist but he explained to me he thinks I'm the narcissist and I think he's right.

If I am I'm hoping I can find out if narcissistic can ever be cured?

I have allot of narcissistic traits and if I am I don't want to hurt anyone around me that I love.

I can't work out who I am anymore.

And help or advice (however brutally honest) I would be greatly appreciated . I think I need to hear it to recognise more of my bad traits to change.

Maybe get a second opinion before you invest too much time and effort on this. No one here can tell you what's going on with your personality so, if you're worried, someone who knows what they're talking about and can properly get the information needed to consider the reality would be the best choice.

So your narcissistic dad gaslighted you into thinking you were a narcissist?

ime if that was true you wouldn’t believe him, wouldn’t think you had to change, would blame anyone and everyone else for anything negative and generally consider yourself above it and not give a shit. So based on the fact you’re worried, don’t want to hurt people and are on here asking for help I would say you’re not and are being emotionally abused by your dad

You and your dad can't diagnose each other as narcissists. You need a psychologist to do that.
However the fact you think you might be a narcissistic means you probably aren't. An actual narcissist would not be giving this headspace.
Can I recommend this book?

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43866

Hi @depresseddaisy I would be VERY surprised if you are a narcissist, even just from reading your brief post.

Can you provide some examples of the things you or your dad are saying are narcissistic?

This.

It's very rare for a narcissist to say they are a narcissist - they are never the ones with the problem.

It sounds like your dad has gaslit you.

Please get further guidance and counsel from a professional xx

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. I have allot of mental health issues so hopefully I can speak to my CPN about this and I've text the crisis "shout" helpline too.

That is what everyone is telling me but I don't know if I'm secretly trying to turn people against him by telling a sibling, friend and my mom this.

It was my dad who explained it was me and it made sense.

Thank you so much for your reply I really appreciate everyone's help and opinion.

@depresseddaisy "I suspected my dad was a narcissist but he explained to me he thinks I'm the narcissist and I think he's right."

Classic gaslighting. (My dad would tell me I was 'oversensitive'...)

And regardless, your dad is not qualified to diagnose you.

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm going to see if I can get the book or an audiobook. I really appreciate your help and recommendation.

Hi, thank you so much for your reply!

For more context... I have allot of mental health issues and my dad has been my carer (managed my money, got me food everyday etc)

He has been treated for lung cancer and I've managed to (I think) overcome my acrophobia and visit him everyday in hospital. Whilst looking after my mother too.

I then wanted to stay with him to look after him as he's my dad and I love him. I've been staying with him just over a week and started noticing allot of red flags. He tells me I owe him and he's looked after me for years, which is true. But he speaks to me differently when no one is around and treats me like a child, constantly criticises me and told me a few days ago that my best wasn't good enough.

I went home as he told me to "f off" and spoke to my sister who hates him and she told me she realised allot younger that he was like and cut him and my mother out of her life. I viewed this as selfish. When i thought my dad was a narcissist, I text her to apologise and she's told me her side and it makes sense.

My dad gave me 30 minutes to get to his house tonight and I was a panic attack in the taxi. I was there in 20 minutes and he refused to let me in but I begged him to and showed him I was only 20 minutes and then he explained how it was actually me and it made sense. I think I have allot of narcissistic traits and only becoming "self aware"

From what I've typed I do sound like a narcissist and I'm unable to switch off and no longer know who to trust. From my googling, I think I'm "the golden child" and my sister told me she's the scapegoat.

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm going to contact my CPN for advice and treatment.

Nothing you have said here suggests that you have done anything wrong at all. Your dad sounds completely unreasonable and you shouldn’t be trusting anything he is saying about you.
Please do speak to your CPN and agree with them what you need to do to keep yourself safe and to look after your own mental health. It isn’t your responsibility to look after your dad when he treats you so terribly.
It sounds like your sister is on your side so hopefully she can give you some moral support and keep you away from your toxic dad.
Take care of yourself, you are clearly a kind and thoughtful person and you deserve better than you are getting at the moment xx

@Beach2lion I'm sorry I wasn't able to quote your message.

Thank you so much for your reply.

That's what I'm being told allot but my dad has told me my ex was trying to isolate me and my ex was telling me it was my dad. I'm now that isolated I have 1 true friend, my mum, dad and my ex who I split up with to keep my dad happy.

Reading it back I feel like I'm smearing my dad and playing the victim or looking for sympathy so that makes me question myself.

I think you are questioning yourself because you are continually being told by those closest to you that you are in the wrong. They have eroded your self esteem and made you doubt yourself even when you know deep down that you haven’t done anything wrong. I’ve been there myself.

Are you able to get any counselling so that an independent person can work through these issues with you?

Good luck xx

@Beach2lion that makes allot of sense. Thank you for your reply.

When I realised I thought my dad was a narcissist, I broke down in the shop when a neighbour that knew him asked how my dad was. I broke down and cried.

My dad seemed more upset with me for telling his neighbour but that's how he explained to me I was a narcissist. He's since told them I sounded suspicious that I went to the shop for 2 bottles of water (like I'd done it on purpose) but I smoke and I desperately needed a cigarette as I had none.

I hope I'm able to get some help and if it is my dad, either try to limit contact (not too much though as he ended up in hospital the night I went home.

He's been the only person I've trusted all my life and I relied on him allot but if it's true I'd feel guilty and know no one but my sister and friend would believe me also.

I have a long list of mental health issues including being diagnosed with anorexia as a teen. BPD, ptsd, anxiety, depression and I sometimes dissociate allot.

I'm sorry I'm talking allot. Just want to list some narcissistic traits I know I have for context.

I cut people off in conversations if I relate to something and without meaning to I talk about me allot (I'm really trying to work on that)

I put other people before my self, I have lost all my self confidence and hate myself

I get taken advantage of allot (that could be me playing the victim)

I speak without thinking and sometimes offended people, I talk to much and I'm socially awkward.

I also think I do have evil in me but I want to be a good/ nice person (I've been told I'm a people pleaser)

Sorry my grammar is terrible and I'm unable to switch of (maybe overthinking)

Thanks for all the replies and help : ) I don't know if going NC and putting myself first (I find this extremely hard) is the right or wrong thing to do.

But I will seek advice and help asap

You sound like a lovely person and absolutely not a narcissist. I think your Dad, who sounds absolutely vile, has worn you down to have such a low opinion of yourself. Have you ever had therapy? I do a lot of what you describe too, but I think this is normal, and being aware of it is the most important key to being a nice human being. i’m psychologist but I think your mental
health would be considerably better if you cut all communication with your father. I would seek help in building your self esteem too.

I’m not a psychologist…!

I cut people off in conversations if I relate to something and without meaning to I talk about me allot (I'm really trying to work on that) - that’s also a neurodivergent thing and with your mental health makes sense. That’s you trying to relate and support the person with your own experience but it sometimes doesn’t work.

I put other people before my self, I have lost all my self confidence and hate myself - that’s the opposite of narcissism.

I get taken advantage of allot (that could be me playing the victim) - that’s you being trusting and spending a lifetime with a narcissistic gaslighting parent.

I speak without thinking and sometimes offended people, I talk to much and I'm socially awkward. - again neurodivergent not narcissistic

I also think I do have evil in me but I want to be a good/ nice person (I've been told I'm a people pleaser) - opposite of narcissistic. You would think you were better than everyone, there’s nothing wrong with you. The only slight resemblance to narcissism would be if you’re a people pleaser purely to get them to do something for you or to use it against them (like your dad is doing to you)

Well said @ElizabethCage

Stop it. Neither you or your Dad are narcissists. Stop playing with mental health diagnoses that neither of you understand.

You do NOT "have evil in you". You are a human being, we all have capability for good and bad actions, we all feel ashamed of some things we have done.

I think you need a little down time from your dad as it sounds like you are very on edge and you need to look after yourself.

Also talk to your sister a bit and try to get a counsellor. Be kind to yourself. Try to deliberately be your own best friend. When that inner gremlin tells you "yoy have evil in you" consciously get your new inner "best friend" to tell it to shut up, you are a human who sometimes gets things wrong and are not evil.

Noone evil would be turning themselves inside our to care for an ill family member who is horrible to them.

This is good advice OP. Keep re-reading it when you start to doubt yourself and criticise yourself.

Agree with @AdamRyan and the others that have said this. The simple fact you’re questioning you’re a narcissist probably means you aren’t actually one.

And the only ones capable of diagnosing this properly are those very few specialists that are qualified to. Certainly not yourself (no offence) or your friends or relatives.

How are you feeling today @depresseddaisy ?