16 year old daughter

[C36M]

My 16 year old has struggled with her mental health for over a year now. She tried counselling twice, and has tried medication but always stops taking it, saying it doesn’t work, she doesn’t give it a chance.

I can never talk to her about anything without her having an attitude, she never helps with anything at home, and only seems to be nice when she wants something.

Well this past two weeks she has completely refused to get up in the mornings (getting up around 2pm), she’s refusing to go back to school, her attendance is already below 80% The only time she leaves the house is to go to her part time job.

She is refusing to get help, refusing to go to school, and is always disrespectful. I’ve noticed she has been scratching the tops of her arms as well (self harm). I contacted the doctor today and they suggested she call the mental health crisis team for teenagers in our area, but she has refused.

I really don’t know what to do, as I know it’s not her fault that she has depression, but she is throwing her education away and is wasting her days in bed, and doesn’t seem to be helping herself in anyway. What can I do?

I have two younger children, and she is showing them that they can be rude and refuse to get up for school, and nothing will be done. I’ve suggested she go to stay with her dad for a while to have a change of scenery if she’s not planning to go back to school, but that idea just makes her angrier. I’m getting so fed up now

Is she y11 or y12?

It is really hard managing a teen with depression. I was lucky that DD just let me manage it wrt counselling, meds etc.

Can you not make her take the meds? She probably needs 3 months minimum to see impact.

How come she can get up for part time job but not school?

My sympathy.

I understand the frustration but something that stands out to me is your post is incredibly negative and unsympathetic.

She's having a mental health crisis, clearly.

Can you get the younger two off to school and just sit with her for a bit today,vtry to understand where she's at?

I think when someone slips into depression it is really hard to judge when to firmly push and when to relax and sympathise, especially when they don't seem to be willing to access help.
It is hard to differentiate between can't and won't.

My own DD missed all of y11, but took meds, went to counselling. We are 4 years on from when she collapsed, she is still recovering.

I’m sorry it comes across that way, but I do feel negative unfortunately. I have tried to sit with her multiple times and it’s just met with there’s nothing wrong with me, or go away etc. I have shown empathy for a year, but it gets frustrating when she refuses to do what the doctors tell her to do. Am I just supposed to put up with her rudeness etc forever?

Hi, she’s in year 12 so she managed to complete her GCSEs which is great :) I don’t think I can force her to take her medication, I’m not sure how I would. Thank you for your comment

I don't mean 'force', more 'strongly persuade'.
At least she has her GCSEs, which is more than my DD.
She can come back to education later, when better, especially as she has the GCSEs.

What does she do all day? Is it sleeping, or social media?

Do you feel you have any bargaining power at all? As in if you do x/ take meds/etc then I will ....

When you ask 'are you supposed to put up with her rudeness forever' - I think there are times during parenting when we can't see the end of a bad patch.

In those times all you can do is deal with today. Unfortunately mental illness doesn't follow a fixed timeline.

If she will go to work, can she work full time instead of going to school? Young people don't have to stay in education if it isn't right for them - most are required to stay but every year there are some who move into work or who don't do anything due to their health.

You may get further by giving her more autonomy (within reasonable limits).

I agree you can't make her take medication.

Hi OP,

I get that it’s hard and difficult to support when you aren’t getting much back. It can feel a bit relentless.

My advice is to make you both a cup of tea (and biscuits) sit down on the sofa and talk to her about it at a time when it feels right and make a action plan. You need to have a multi attack plan

• You said she’s tried counselling twice - how many sessions did she have? It can take a while to build up trust with a counsellor and sometimes you just don’t gel. I would try again
• Is there something about sixth form she’s struggling with? Lack of interest in the course? Anxiety? Friendships? Too hard? Would she prefer to drop a subject and look at doing a flexi timetable. Would she prefer to look at college courses? Postpone a year and go elsewhere/change subjects?
• It can be hard to motivate yourself to take medication. Does she think it’s worth trying a new one or just not enough consistency? Will she agree to give it a good try for 4 weeks and if she’s not feeling better it’s back to the GP for higher dosage/different type. How can you help? Could you both set an alarm on the phone for a certain time? Take it with a cup of tea in the morning?
• Sleep - she probably does need a lot when she’s feeling bad. What time is she getting to sleep? Is she going on her phone before bed? I would relax a bit about getting up for a while but try and target 11am rather than 2pm.
• Is she getting any exercise? Can you try and get into a routine of getting out the house every day for a walk? Would she try some yoga on you tube or going to a class? Go for a swim? Is there any sports she enjoys? Endorphins from exercise really does help.
• Social media really is a killer. Talk to her about it, is she using it a lot. Ask her to consider how it makes her feel when she’s on the apps. See if she will try deleting some of them for a bit or cutting down.
• Friendships - if she’s not going into school she’s maybe not socialising much. Can she arrange something with a friend? Try and get a few plans in the diary either as a family or with some mates.
• Eating - food is mood! I really recommend Kefir yogurts/ kombucha drinks to build up the gut bacteria. They are linked to producing serotonin and it makes a big difference.
• Remind her that you care and love her and want her to feel better. Try and have a joke about finding things tough. Talk about how normal it is to go through periods of this. So many celebrities have opened up about the struggles. Blue Monday in Jan, time to talk day in Feb. It’s ok to struggle.

Sometimes I think just having a plan and writing it down, tackling it like a big project can help. Then once that’s all done put on a nice movie and relax. Be kind to both yourselves.

Hopefully I havent forgotten anything! 🩵

Your child is depressed so you've suggested she go and live somewhere else? Fuck me.

Just read your post and wanted to say I feel for you. My children are younger but I worry about this for them as they get older as so Many teenagers are suffering with their MH at the moment. @Squiggles23 has offered some fab advice. Take care xxx

You have my total sympathy. My DD sounds very much like yours and is now in the Pathway for assessment for ASD & ADHD. It may be that like our DD it isn't that she doesn't want to connect in the Counselling, she may actually not be able to. Do you think she'd be willing to try something like this workbook?

If she's not wanting to do the course she's on, can she start a different one in September?

I do agree with trying to get her to do some exercise too. Is there anything she's enjoyed in the past or could you ask her to start the C25K with you or do a class together like Clubbercise?

Its hard. I had mental illness through my teens (well into adulthood)

I am recovered now but looking back the exhaustion was unreal. I would sleep 10 hours and still feel exhausted. It was draining. Its only since i recovered i realise the lethargy was not how people usually feel. Also i comfort ate ALOT (wepl binged) and honestly eating better its amazing how less ill and groggy i feel physically.

I also had an aversion to medication, i just couldn't see how a little pill could fix how awful i felt, and its gets to a point where you feel defeat. That there is no way out and you can't even remember ever feeling ok.

Also when your permanently exhausted, miserable i was often snappy and grumpy. I didnt see how i was coming across. My mum use to try to get me to empathise a little with her, a bit of perspective on how she is trying to support me and attacking her hurts her too. (There is probably some tactful way to express yourself too)

Wonder if you can find what she can manage, a few extra hours a week on her work to build up? A routine weekly coffee out with you. Just to start building some regular routine. I leisure night class in a hobby she is curious about? Photography, art ect to try and spark a bit of hope of the future?

You can't force therapy and meds sadly, recovery has to come from the individual themselves, its hard if they feel defeated and lost hope though :(

Has she got any goals? If depression and everything was not there, how would she like her life to look? Not necessarily money or work, but herself. Would she like to see herself? Then maybe start building easy building blocks to meet it. Once you achieve a little goal, others don't seem as impossible.

I'd also recommend reading Teens Who Cut if she's started to self harm.

If DD won't call the Crisis Team, can you? I'm not sure why it has to be her? My DD wouldn't do that ever, she simply doesn't have to verbal skills to deal with a call like that, especially when she's at a crisis point.

I'd also recommend working how you react with her. Tell her that you were wrong to suggest she moves in with her DF, you thought it might help but you were wrong to say she should leave her home. Tell her how much you love her and you're there for her and I'd also recommend smiling at her every time you see her like you're genuinely pleased to see her. I realised that seeing my DD was making me anxious as I wasn't sure what she'd say or do. DD is very sensitive to facial expressions or what we say and I also realised that my anxiety woukd he showing in my face so I made the conscious decision to smile at her every time I saw her and it's been transformative. She now comes out of her room sometimes in the evening and wants to watch TV and hang out with me.

How are you both today @C36M