"Ask for help"

[OoohLovelySlippers]

Does anyone agree with me that this hearing this all the time is really annoying? Whenever someone takes their own life, people always say to others "ask for help", speak to XYZ mental health charity, speak to your GP and get medication/therapy.

Well sorry but sometimes the reality is no amount of talking or medication can fundamentally change someone's circumstances. (Aside from the fact there are insufficient mental health resources anyway).

I also don't think life is a sacred gift should be preserved at all cost. I think if someone is suffering more than they can or want to bear mentally or physically then it is ok to have that put to an end.

I'm actually ok at the moment btw, just general musings!

My dh and I both asked his GP for help and they didn't want to know. He ended up trying to kill himself and also nearly killed me in the process. We did eventually receive fantastic help from the crisis team but I don't know whether you have to be referred to them or can just contact them yourself. As for friends and family, it makes me laugh when they post slogans on Facebook about mental health and "just ask for help", "it's good to talk" etc as none of them wanted to know when dh was ill, they thought he was putting it on or just trying to get out of work, now they don't bother with him and never ask after him, it's as if he's an embarrassment.

Well sorry but sometimes the reality is no amount of talking or medication can fundamentally change someone's circumstances.

You're right. But talking or medication can change the way someone views and deals with their circumstances.

Sorry to hear that @Bishopsgirl . You make a good point. I asked for help when I was a teenager and my parents laughed at me. I recently had to obtain a copy of my medical records for my insurer. I was shocked at what I found in there. I ended up going to the GP myself age 16 and was sent for out-patient treatment at a teenage ward. The nurse detailed how dismissive my parents were of the whole thing. And my mother was a nurse herself! Not to mention an avid churchgoer.

Where I live if you ask for help you are given antidepressants. If you want to talk to someone to really get better and work through your problems, you have to be able to pay about £75 per hour. NHS only seems to offer online CBT.

@OoohLovelySlippers Sorry to hear that you didn't get the support you needed from your parents when you were younger. My dh's parents were exactly the same, at church every Sunday, good Christians, but not an ounce of sympathy in them for dh and our situation and always looking to blame someone else for dh's complete mental breakdown (usually me and our son).

Even professionals are often dismissive.

‘I gave them a worksheet!’
’I called them up!’
’I told them to contact us if they need us!’

’We need to do your back to work interview, why exactly have you had so much time off? Any more and we’ll have to <insert dramatic sentence here>.’

I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis after dc1 was born. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me sent me home with dc1. Dh spent the next 6 months trying to keep me alive whilst also doing a stressful full time job. Luckily his work were extremely supportive and we made it but it could have so easily gone the other way.

Asking for help in my opinion is a waste of time and effort. You reveal your vulnerabilities and at best, no one cares.

I suspect therapy can actually be unhelpful. For me, the key is staying busy and trying not to think too much. The opposite of the usual advice dished out.

I absolutely agree with your third paragraph but whenever I've tried to discuss it with my psychiatrist, he says it's just my depression talking or indicative that I don't have capacity (which I think I do; I have a masters in medical ethics so I'm actually interested in the topic within various legal frameworks). I'm sort of relieved to find someone else who has that view.

What we have to remember imho is that noone has a magic wand. You can "ask for help" but no-one can take away your addiction/bring back your deceased relative/undo your trauma. Or make it better in any meaningful way.

I'm very glad I never had children because I have the freedom to pop off whenever I see fit. I think I may do it after my last cat dies.

@mynameiscalypso anyone with half a brain has existential thoughts like "what's the point". I don't like Pollyanna types who suggest it's abnormal to have thoughts of suicide periodically.

My dh has a community mental health team case worker who quite often just forgets to turn up for appointments. He gets really anxious when she doesn't arrive and I have to phone to check if she's coming. She's always apologetic for forgetting, then, before she goes off the phone, she says "phone if you ever need to talk to me" and I think well he needed to talk to you today when you were scheduled to visit and you've just made his anxiety even worse by not turning up. I honestly don't know how some of these people keep their jobs.

@Bishopsgirl sadly the pay is peanuts so it's not going to attract the best, brightest and most committed professionals.

Yeah I agree, in my experience it makes your life worse, not better. And that's asking help from friends, family and professionals.

I'm at my healthiest mentally when I find a way to look after myself

You can't get to see a GP so you can't access professional help unless you can pay for it yourself. And if you try talking to anyone else they're either dismissive or disinterested. So you give up trying. And that spirals downwards.
If there was someone to talk to at earlier stages then a fair number of people could be helped. But once it gets to a certain point then you're right OP, you can't do much about the outcome. It shouldn't get to that point though for most people.

Yes, the actual help out there is not always great. It's even harmful sometimes.

Counselling doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. And not in a getting trauma out of my system way. I leave feeling horribly embarrassed and feeling even worse about things that weren't actively on my mind before they decided to dredge it up. So I don't understand why counselling is sold as a cure to life itself.

Not to mention that it's almost impossible to access these days.

The crisis team can be spectacularly unhelpful. It's a well known joke that the best they can do is suggest a bath and a cup of tea.

I had a breakdown several years ago and I distinctly remember calling the crisis team and explaining the state I was in only to be asked in a sneering tone if I was drunk.

@YouDidntEvenAskIfSheWasThereMoriarty I am so sorry to hear about your poor experience with the crisis team. I suppose it all depends on what they are like in your local area. Our team visited almost every day for 3 months then referred my dh to the early intervention team for psychosis. The psychosis team were fantastic but he's now under the community mental health team and they are absolute rubbish. I think it all comes down to luck with the individuals you get allocated. The first mental health nurse who visited when my dh came out of a secure mental health unit sat me down, looked around our average house (which we had to sell a few months later) and suggested I start shopping at Aldi instead of Tesco, as if that had anything to do with my dh's psychosis! I wouldn't mind but I shopped at ASDA and I hadn't raised the subject with her anyway! Again, sorry you had such terrible treatment from the crisis team.

Only you can take away your addiction, but you can learn how it happened and deal with the cause.

You can come to terms with loss.

You can leave trauma in the past.

I agree with you re the children and popping off when you see fit, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons.

I thought this was going to be about asking friends...who never want to help, even in little practical ways.

Sorry for what you've been through OP.

They tell you to ask for help but the major problem is there’s very little help available! I’ve been suicidal and having panic attacks and getting hysterical. After waiting for weeks (and regularly frightening my family by having screaming fits and talking about suicide) I finally got to see a GP and was given anxiety medication. Got referred to talking therapies and had to wait six months to be seen. Had a complete breakdown because of being left in this limbo with no support. Ripped the skin off my own arms with my fingernails because I was so distressed.

Finally got to talk to someone for 6 x 1hr sessions, which wasn’t enough to solve my problems. No further support. I need long term therapy but I can’t afford to pay privately and it simply isn’t available on the NHS.

I wish I had asked for help many years ago. As it is I carried on until I broke. Then had medication and CBT. I have to work every day to stay well but if I had asked for help years ago I think things may have been better.