Overwhelmed

[Hatethisdrama]

Hi, I know life is stressful for everyone at the moment but I just feel everything is getting on top of me.
I’m 50 years old so I’m sure perimenopause has a role to play ( I am getting help for that from gp ) but I’m just finding life so stressful right now.

My 13 year old ds has school related anxiety and no friends to speak of. I worry about him all the time.

My 16 year old dd has ocd and attending CAMHs for the last 2 years. Much improved thank God but now having thoughts of self harm.

My 20 year old DS has been very stressed since leaving school and finding it hard to settle in his chosen career path. I keep reassuring him that he can change at anytime as he’s so young but I’m not sure he sees it this way.

The biggest issue is DH. He’s always been the strong one but the past 12 months he’s changed. A few incidents at work have lead to a huge change in his work schedule, routine, area of work and he’s finding it very hard to cope. Both his parents are elderly and he is very hands on with them. They’ve been ill with one thing or another for the past 5 years and that’s really taken its toll on him. He is stressed beyond belief and I’m not sure how much more he can take. He’s not sleeping and I feel there’s an element of depression creeping in for him. His self esteem is at all time low. He’s made an appointment with the gp. He’s talking to me but I’m so afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, I think he needs time off work and councelling but I’m not sure he’ll do that.

How do other people deal with life’s stresses and get through the day without getting totally overwhelmed?

For reference I work, which is a good thing. It’s a break from the constant worry at home.

Not sure what I’m looking for but it feels good to even just write it down.

Sorry you are having a really tough time in terms of family life. We have lots going on too, to the point that it's affecting my sleep. Just worrying about everyone and everything.

Can you both see your GP? DH ended up in psychology services and got diagnosed with clinical depression land anxiety last year. Life is just stressful for so many of us. He had six months off sick from work.

I'm managing the pressures of elderly parents, childcare, work, stress, though prescription drugs. I've had times where I was so overwhelmed that I felt like I was dying. The medication has been a massive help. It wasn't what I wanted but it is working!

@Vettrianofan thank you. Sorry to hear you are having similar problems. I just don’t know where to turn and I’m so worried about him. I’ve made a gp appointment for tuesday and I’m hoping g to get off work early to go with him. I’ve suggested counselling and he seems open to that at the moment so here’s hoping.
thank you.

@Newmum738 thank you and sorry to hear the stresses are getting to you but I’m glad you got help. I’ll see what the gp suggests Tuesday, he’s not keen to start medication but I actually feel it’s needed but will follow gps lead. I also feel he needs time off work but he’s refusing that right now and I can’t push him.
Thank you.

I think counselling for YOU might be very helpful so that you have a safe space to talk about how you feel.
You are supporting all these people.
Your DH will have to make his own decisions about his own burdens/responsibilities.
You may not agree with them but you have to protect your own sanity to some extent, so that you are there for him.
I would be looking at everyone's priorities in the family. His parents, his workplace, finances, the needs of your children, your needs and fears
They are all interconnected. The children's anxiety might be linked with their feelings of responsibility to you both and the GPS.

We had family therapy when children were younger after an ASD and dyspraxia diagnosis through CAHMS and tbh the help through CAHMS was minimal but thinking about how we all connected wasn't some woo thing but really empowering.

The family therapy itself was pretty Sh*t but we turned a corner I would say from then on.
Work can be good in itself but then act as a deflection from dealing with the work you have to do sorting out "the family".
I am so so proud of my children and my DH and I really don't worry about them much any more I approach life differently.
Counselling, and sometimes reading books on these matters have given me new way of looking at the world.
Also I home educated ds2 for two years whilst not working and that was a game changer in terms of his confidence, he is now post uni very much happier, friends, motivated than he was at 12 and tge world seemed to be falling apart.
It wasn't the home ed more the way I was able to relax and just be with him instead of worrying. DH had similar anxieties with work/family life and took option to do a more flexible job,become self employed.

The family therapy was actually laughably ineffectual (children trying to leave room, not answering her questions, husband visibly irritated by therapist speak) but it reminded me we had some strengths as a family and as parents I had underestimated, and that we had lots of jokes 😅
I often lurked on the Elderly Parents bit of Mumsnet and it was a great comfort to read the Cockroach cafe and other threads of that ilk; but I'm lucky that my parent's illness did not coincide with my teenage children's demands, it came later. Nonetheless I did find myself unaccountably not paying attention to my 20 year old DD for the entire period of my mother's cancer treatment and looking back my dd needed the attention more than my mother if that makes sense, I created a top heavy situation with my mother depending on me and my SIL made the same mistake - our children suffered too much as a consequence.

Also want to put it out there that your ds doesnt need to be thinking of his life as a career path or changing from one career path to another. He can just "be" working in the moment and see how that goes. It doesn't have to yield any obvious fruits at this stage.its enough to socialise, be busy, get up in the morning. Who cares whether you are doing this particular path in two years have you lost out anything except gained wisdom and knowledge
(Just been reading Refuse to Choose by Barbara Sher..eye opener)