Trying to keep it brief here as I literally don't know what to do any more. If you're from Stately Homes this is probably one to skip because I go on at enough length on there and some people actually have stuff to do with their time :)
Trapped (financially, practically, logistically, plus all the "why doesn't she leave" reasons you know and love from domestic violence situations) in a very abusive home. No privacy, no autonomy, really aggravating my already-severe MH issues which are...
Severe PTSD, anxiety, depression, OCD, eating disorder, also have a history of self-harm and alcohol abuse. The past few years I've been admitted to hospital dozens of times, mostly emergency admissions to general hospital for largely physical problems, but also a couple of long stays in mental hospitals. Last admission ended at the beginning of February and was for malnutrition, consequences of malnutrition and mental health issues (I was suicidal and basically catatonic). I was due to have an urgent assessment but was still drinking a little bit which was put on my notes, so having been given a priority date with the acute ED team and then admitted to hospital because of anorexia-related consequences which are also indicative of high risk, my assessment was cancelled and I was told they might think about seeing me again in a year if I was completely sober the whole time (I was not drinking heavily, but tapering down very slowly and it took them less than 36 hours to get me completely sober and off librium). I asked to speak to a MH nurse as I'd gone in suicidal. Apparently my problems are so long-running they didn't think they could do anything for me. I have told my GP, hospital doctors, support worker (I see her once a fortnight and go to a useless group at my local alcohol clinic) that I'm acutely suicidal every single time I see them, so once a week. I've been planning how to actually kill myself successfully since this time LAST YEAR. I've lost a whole year completely (the previous 30 years of my life have only been lost partially as I've at least had school, studying or a job or something).
Obviously I'm sober, but it's basically just throwing into sharp relief how utterly hopeless and pointless my life is. I've tried Samaritans, Papyrus, the lot before anyone says to try them, they get you through another few hours. Alcohol got me sleeping for another few hours before I could wake up for some more utterly pointless misery and abuse. There is literally no point to me at all. There are about two people who would be upset if I died but both of them would be much better off without me (trust me).
I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't know what would happen if I described exactly my plan for suicide and chose a date, etc - probably not much more than happened when I said last week that I would want it done properly so I'd use effective method 1, effective method 2 and effective method 3 at once (1 and 2 have been seriously tried and failed separately, 3 never tried and I believe it's pretty horrible but I would have made a proper effort). Probably another trip to A&E and back, or at worst a trip to a police cell then A&E and back, or a trip to a mental hospital and back. I do not know what to do.