Unsupportive partner

[Wormworld7]

I've suffered on and off with health anxiety, among other mental health struggles, for many years. This anxiety extends to worrying excessively about my children, and i am currently undertaking my 2nd round of therapy to try and tackle the issue.

My baby, 8 months, recently had some complications with a tongue tie procedure. We had to stay the night in hospital and the health ordeal was recurrent through January and February. Things with his health are settled now, but I have been left with a tough episode of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I'm really struggling and having physical symptoms, such as chest pains, feeling I can't breathe etc.

At the time the baby was going through it, I started to become snappy and impatient with my partner and just not very pleasant to be around at times. I did recognise it at the time and asked for some understanding, and acknowledgement that we were both going through it, and this was only temporary.

Over the past few weeks since things have settled, I'm realising how stressful it's been and with the anxiety I'm left with I've been asking my partner for support. (He's great practically around the house he takes the baby and gives me space when i need) I've been very specifically with what I need, physical touch and affection being up there, just some personal attention, hugs, quality time relaxing together etc. I'm feeling really alone and really craving just a head massage, or something to soothe my nervous system, for example. I want to be told positive things about myself.

I've had this talk with my partner at least 3 times last week. I've asked for these things and also for him to be a bit more patient and forgiving with me. I've told him I need kindness and gentle approach. He is refusing. He says I don't deserve his love and he is withdrawing even more. I've tried to explain to him that I'm trying my best not to be snappy but I could really use his help to move forward and instead his refusal to uplift me during this dark time is making me feel worse.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to as least try to accommodate my wishes? He's very focused on me having not been very nice recently and keeps saying I don't deserve his love and he doesn't want to give it. He won't grasp the concept that I'm not being myself at the minute and I'm really trying not to take things out on him. I recignise that I have though and have apologised for what I've put him through, but now we seem to be in a spiralling circle and I don't know what to do?

I wrote a message telling him.how I was really sorry for not being myself but how important phsical contact is for me in a relationship

Any apology that contains the word 'but' is not an apology, it's an excuse.

I'm struggling to understand the purpose of a romantic relationship, if not to work together to support with love and give and receive physically. Otherwise we may aswel.jist be a friendship.

That should have been an and. Habitually stringed together sentence using but. I was not excusing myself. Both things are true simultaneously. I'm sorry. And I also have unmet needs

You’re really not understanding OP. Taking accountability is great, apologising is great, but it does not excuse your behaviour OR take away the affect it has had on someone.

It doesn’t make any difference really whether you use “and” or “but” there.

You’re still apologising while also telling him what you need from him.

NO.

This is a frankly bizarre thread, agree with pp who say it's like you're punching him in the eye, saying 'you understand and accept why I'm doing this, don't you, you MUST!!,Anyway now you must hold me, stroke me and tell me how wonderful I am'!!

Actions often have natural consequences, the natural consequence of you having been snappy for a period of time with your DP is that he doesn't want to want to meet your needs currently.

You have apologized but he is still feeling his feelings and doesn't feel warmly towards you. Therefore he doesn't want to physically make you feel better.

It may be that he is being too critical of you and another partner would be more forgiving but you can't control his feelings. You also can't insist that he makes you feel better if he doesn't want to.

If you aren't spending much time together during the day maybe work on that without asking anything of each other during that time.

I do sympathise with the op as I feel like I’m in the same situation. I’ve had various mental health problems for years and can’t see them improving much in the future as have already tried therapy/meds etc. Unfortunately my dp takes the brunt of my poor moods which causes a lot of arguments between us. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t deserve a partner because no one should have to put up with me. But I’d like to believe everyone deserves someone? Why should I be alone forever just because I have some health issues? Aren’t you supposed to support your dp in sickness and in health?