Unsupportive partner

[Wormworld7]

I've suffered on and off with health anxiety, among other mental health struggles, for many years. This anxiety extends to worrying excessively about my children, and i am currently undertaking my 2nd round of therapy to try and tackle the issue.

My baby, 8 months, recently had some complications with a tongue tie procedure. We had to stay the night in hospital and the health ordeal was recurrent through January and February. Things with his health are settled now, but I have been left with a tough episode of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I'm really struggling and having physical symptoms, such as chest pains, feeling I can't breathe etc.

At the time the baby was going through it, I started to become snappy and impatient with my partner and just not very pleasant to be around at times. I did recognise it at the time and asked for some understanding, and acknowledgement that we were both going through it, and this was only temporary.

Over the past few weeks since things have settled, I'm realising how stressful it's been and with the anxiety I'm left with I've been asking my partner for support. (He's great practically around the house he takes the baby and gives me space when i need) I've been very specifically with what I need, physical touch and affection being up there, just some personal attention, hugs, quality time relaxing together etc. I'm feeling really alone and really craving just a head massage, or something to soothe my nervous system, for example. I want to be told positive things about myself.

I've had this talk with my partner at least 3 times last week. I've asked for these things and also for him to be a bit more patient and forgiving with me. I've told him I need kindness and gentle approach. He is refusing. He says I don't deserve his love and he is withdrawing even more. I've tried to explain to him that I'm trying my best not to be snappy but I could really use his help to move forward and instead his refusal to uplift me during this dark time is making me feel worse.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to as least try to accommodate my wishes? He's very focused on me having not been very nice recently and keeps saying I don't deserve his love and he doesn't want to give it. He won't grasp the concept that I'm not being myself at the minute and I'm really trying not to take things out on him. I recignise that I have though and have apologised for what I've put him through, but now we seem to be in a spiralling circle and I don't know what to do?

There's lots there about what you want from him. Why should he give you all these things if he doesn't feel like it? What are you doing to make up for the way you treated him?

He's very focused on me having not been very nice recently

What does he mean by this?

Because we are a partnership and I am struggling, and needing support from him in the way that I personally deem valuable. I've helped and supported him through similar episodes. I've pushed aside my feelings to prioritising helping him - though he's never been able to articulate it and acknowledge what he's going through. But when he's had a hard time, for example his friend passing away or his dad being diagnosed with cancer, he too became irritable, snappy and unpleasant to be around and I recognised that and stepped back from my own feelings to offer him.extra comfort and support.

Whats the point in being in a partnership if we aren't going to offer emotional support when things get tough for us?

Gently OP, yes, you are being massively unreasonable.

You admit yourself that you have been snappy & irritable towards your partner during this time and asked for his understanding. You’ve then, as a family, come out the other side of that situation and now you’re asking him for more to make YOU feel better.

You have treated him badly and asked him to just be “understanding” of that and now you’re asking for him to shower you with kindness and love to make YOU feel better, I don’t know how else to phrase it other than- the world does not revolve around you.

It is incredibly difficult to live with anxiety, believe me I know, but it’s not a get out of jail free card for treating your partner like shit.

I've been irritable and a bit "difficult" at times. For example, picking small arguments, nit picking, being a bit snappy, not letting minor things go when I should.

Ive recognised it. I see where its coming from. I'm exhausted, I'm having constant intrusive thoughts, it's no excuse but I'm really not doing well inside and it's presenting physically as me being dick basically. I'm not trying to take anything out on him.

I am saying this with kindness. I think you want a co dependent relationship. You need to move towards being self sufficient and view the relationship as a top up rather than to rely on due to your poor mental health.

It seems like he is hurting because of the way you have treated him. His withdrawal is a natural reaction which needs to be respected.

I think you need to work on how to get your needs met yourself.

Thank you. I don't think it's a get out of jail card. And the incidents I've been unkind are few and far between, and I've apologised each and every time and taken accountability.

This is really only a part of the picture here. This comment reads as though I've been constantly on at him, when I haven't. We've also had lots of pleasant times, we've both been irritable and snappy at times, but I didn't feel like myself.

And now even more so. I'm feeling very lonely in what I'm.going through and he isn't making any effort to help me not feel that

You need to reframe this in your mind because you are not the victim in this exchange, though it feels you are trying to portray yourself as one with your “unsupportive partner” title.

If I hit my husband because I’m exhausted, anxious, not doing well, it doesn’t cause him any less pain than if I’ve just hit him because I felt like it. The impact on him is the same no matter what the reason behind your behaviour. If you are struggling then you need to tackle that, it’s extremely unfair to behave this way towards him and then ask HIM to give you endless kindness/love/affection to “make you feel better”. That’s abusive.

Thank you. I have been very capable of meeting my own needs for many years without him. But I feel touch starved. I can't give myself the physical touch I crave. Is it really unreasonable to ask.to be held and comforted by someone I'm choosing to enter into a partnership with.

Physical hugs can help to soothe and calm the central nervous system. Mine is frazzled. I can book myself into a spa for the day and meet my needs by getting somebody to unwind my body physically. But I'm.confused as to why asking my partner to help with that is too much

He's obviously struggling too and finding the balance hard. Babies are very draining. If he's good round the house book yourself some nice self care time, go out and meet a friend, get some counselling for your health anxiety and try to get a massage or head massage if you can afford, go swimming, go a walk. Seek treatment and try to do look objectively at your relationship, if he really is that unkind to you then rethink.

But I'm.confused as to why asking my partner to help with that is too much

Asking is fine. Expecting is not. He can't pour from an empty cup.

When you’ve being snapping at that person, nit picking them, arguing, and being generally unpleasant to them, YES, it is then very unreasonable of you to expect them to then give you the physical touch and affection you want.

I don’t know about you but when someone is repeatedly unpleasant to me, I don’t want to give them a cuddle, and I’d be telling them to fuck straight off if after being unpleasant to me they then started telling me what THEY needed from ME to make them feel better.

To put it simply, right now it should be YOU going out of your way to make it up to him. Not asking him for anything.

But I'm.confused as to why asking my partner to help with that is too much

Because it’s too much for him right now. You can ask and he can decline. It sounds a bit like you’re telling him he needs to do what you’re asking otherwise it’ll be his fault if you go back to snapping at him.

I know it’s different but I’ve got a similar aged baby and am holding or touching him constantly. It’s unusual for someone with a baby to feel they lack physical contact.

I get that. But we have addressed this issue with how I've been lately. I've taken accountability and I've apologised for the way I've been. I've acknowledged his feelings. This isn't the same issue to me. I'm.not denying him the right to feel a certain way.

And without being able to go into detail, I actually think he's gaslighting me into thinking I'm worse than I am. To give an example, I woke up Sunday, pretty exhausted I.cleaned the entire house, I felt burnt out after, but glad I'd done it. When he got back with the baby, instead of acknowledging what I had done, he started nagging about a pile of toys I hadn't sorted and how he couldn't sit in the living room. He didnt once thank.me.or acknowledge id deep cleaned and done stuff that hadnt been done in a while. I got defensive and started feeling really stressed and couldn't articulate why but I felt attacked and unappreciated, so I became snappy. This is just one example.

I do think YABU in all honesty.

Weeks of this behaviour from you (regardless of it stemming from mental health / anxiety etc) to him will cause issues. You can't them demand physical touch / words of affirmation to soothe yourself, especially when your partner is stepping up around the house / with the baby alongside being around someone who's having a mental health crisis.

Thank you. I did do this on Saturday. I did exactly this, took myself on a walk.tk.the gym, used the spa, listened to a podcast etc. And then whilst on my way home I wrote a message telling him.how I was really sorry for not being myself but how important phsical contact is for me in a relationship. He just got defensive and made it into an argument and my return home was jist stressful, instead kf me coming home to peace

I mean this kindly OP but you are being unreasonable. All this is about you, your wants, your needs. What about him? Who's there for him? I get it believe me, I have bipolar so am extremely unwell at times. But the people I try to not take things out on are those closest to me and I certainly don't expect them to meet my needs. That's what my psychiatrist is there for. Because of this I don't have to ask for cuddles, I don't have my feelings validated, I don't have to be told I'm doing well, because they OFFER it unconditionally. Why? Because im not being a b*h to them and not demanding.

But you’re just not understanding, you “taking accountability” and “acknowledging his feelings” and apologising does NOT take back the way you have behaved or the impact it has had on him.

Again, if my husband punches me in the face, and then says “sorry I hit you, I bet that hurt, I’ve been stressed recently”, do I suddenly not have a black eye because he’s taking accountability, acknowledged my feelings and said sorry? Of course not. You are denying him the right to feel a certain way because you are asking him to make you feel better, after you have made him feel worse, and you think acknowledging your own shitty behaviour takes away the impact of it- it doesn’t!

I'm.constantly holding, feeding and seeing to my baby. I'm constantly giving, but not receiving anywhere near as much to fill my cup. I am.very affectionate with my partner. I'm.the one who initiates cuddles and says kind things to him. I've been supporting him through a job change during this time. I listen to him every night after work, his day etc. Even before I was feeling rubbish with anxiety, I was craving much more affection than I'm.gettung. I.really think it could have helped me not spiral to this point

I woke up Sunday, pretty exhausted I.cleaned the entire house, I felt burnt out after, but glad I'd done it.

Good for you. Why did you then expect him to a/notice you'd done a deep clean and b/thank you for it? My partner doesn't tend to run his finger along the skirting board to check for dust and then tell me "well done".

Me. I'm here for him!! I'm.constantly here for him

I didn't expect a thank you or an acknowledgement at all. I expected not to be criticised for the small things I hadn't done though! I was baffled by the fact he couldn't use his initiative to recognise I'd worked really hard so don't focus on the stuff I didn't get round to.

It is perfectly possible that you are both being unreasonable currently OP.
Small babies often make parents unreasonable.

He doesn't sound as supportive of you as he could be and you seem to have a limited understanding of how your behavior has impacted him.

Are you getting anytime to spend together just to be together without a task list?

He doesn't exist to make you happy. You do. That's your job at the end of the day. If you need hugs, see a friend, other family?

Thank you. I don't think I do have a limited view of how my behaviour has impacted him. I've been sure to take full accountability and tell him so. I get it. I've also been on the receiving end of it too, many times with him. But I also recognise that all behaviour is communication and I'm not asking him to read my mind. I'm literally giving him clear instructions on what I want from him and why and what need that meets of mine.

No, we haven't had much time together aside from in bed at night.