Hoarding hell

[Helpforahoarder]

Just need to vent and let off steam

i have a sibling who has significant mental health issues including hoarding. They have one bed flat filled with stuff. They also end up giving stuff to our parents to store because they have no room for what they buy.

its not quite as bad as it used to be but that’s mainly because I have taken control of their finances due to massive overspending so they physically don’t have as much money now.

think piles of cookbooks but they never cook because they cannot get to surfaces in kitchen, kitchen gadgets all over the place new and never used. Pictures for the wall they never put up.

i feel guilty because I think I should do more to help them clear it but I am a single parent who works full time.

i have told them I am willing to help but only if we get rid of stuff - I’m not spending my time moving stuff from one place to another.

they have slept in a chair for 2 weeks because they had to move stuff and put it in the bed but haven’t managed to get themselves in the headspace to move it off.

they can physically do stuff - when they stay with parents they voluntarily do chores etc but at home they seem unable to get started on any task.

i am dreading our parents passing and having to sort their house as I know they will just want to keep everything. Parents have been clearing a shed lately and if the sibling thinks they may possible have got rid of anything that may have been theirs 40 years ago ( old kids books etc) they get irate.

Mental health services no help as were discharged for non compliance.

In the kindest way, you can't help. I grew up in a house that was horded. The horder will see everything as useful, important and sentimental. They don't have a scale of importance because everything has equal importance to them. In a way it is a positive trait because they see the potential in everything, but the sheer volume of stuff is what makes it untenable.

Your sibling might long for space and order but not at the cost of getting rid of things, because these things are part of them.

The only thing you can do (you and your parents) is to be very strict about nothing coming into your own homes. Because that enables the behaviour and passes the mental burden onto you.

Be glad it's just a one bedroom flat. We always had two public rooms which were cluttered (with furniture) but absolutely respectable for guests. When the time came to clear the house the other 20ish rooms were impossible (most of them had little paths at least), and it took almost two years to clear.

The only thing that is really important is that they have important documents all in the same place, because once they are gone you will never find them again.

Just to add I think you have taken on a lot by sorting finances and I can see why you have done it. I think this is the kindest thing you can do. It is clearly a very difficult position to be in and your venting is utterly appropriate. I think you are amazing to have stepped in like that, even if you feel you had no choice.

The only helpful thing to do is get your parents to declutter as much as possible and to make sure your sibling doesn’t know. Especially if it’s the loft or in a room they have no idea what’s in it.

@Knickersinatwist36 - paperwork is in piles everywhere. They, for example, will buy a filing cabinet but have too much paperwork for it so never put it in there and it's just something else to take up room!

They want to move because they see other 'fresh' peoples houses. They don't understand that theirs could be like that and moving will just move the problem with them.

It's a good job they own the flat as they would have been evicted long before now if it was a rental.

Their health is bad and I have already found them unconscious before so it's something that could happen anytime.

Frankly I would get a skip (or 10) dump
most stuff in it and then just have to sort p/w afterwards. If I was feeling generous get a house clearance company in for most of it.

It would take months to take it all to the charity shop.

I'm so sorry, all I can extend is understanding having lived in it. I know that social services or the fire brigade sometimes advise which you could consider but that wouldn't have worked for us as our horder would have become even more belligerent.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this, it is so hard for the person suffering from mental health difficulties, but it affects those who care about them too.

@Knickersinatwist36 i had to. They kept calling my parents in a panic saying they needed money for critical bills, they felt they had to pay so sibling didn’t lose flat.

They could not afford it on their pension. I leant sibling 500 short term to get over the crisis then set up a new bank account for weekly spending. They get a weekly transfer from their main account.

they are up £2.5k in not long over a year which shows how much they were spending on crap.