I am 37. Four beautiful kids (17,13,10,8).
I have worked my arse off since leaving school in the care industry, working 60 hour weeks, night shifts, rarely taking any time off,
Even when the babies were born, forever optimistic that we will get our forever home, our happy ending, all that crap.
We were kicked out of what I thought would be our forever home five years ago because the landlord wanted it back for his family while they were having repairs done (fair enough) so we moved into the first house that became available with the idea that we would move when something suitable came along. That never happened. We are still there.
Two years ago I began an msc in midwifery, all was going well until I failed my drugs calc exam. needed 100% to pass, but only got 99%. because I failed it twice that was an instant goodbye. Not for want of trying. I was still working full time, as well as doing uni to make ends meet and it didn't go well.
Clearly. Oh well, onwards and upwards. Back to 60 hr weeks on nights. It's got to get better right?
Last year I fell pregnant with baby number five. We were all so happy. The kids were delighted. We had been trying for a while and had an early miscarriage the year before. She would have been our little miracle. But we lost her in December. Stillborn at 42 weeks.
I don't know how I can get over it. I can't even explain how hard it is. She was beautiful. I can't process it. If it wasn't for the other kids there would be no more reason to go on. I can barely get out of bed and function as it is. But I am so heartbroken it's unreal.
I have to go back to work next week. Because we were in such shock in December and weren't thinking properly, we crashed two cars after finding out our baby had died, we also broke countless other things and lived on takeaways for months because we just couldn't cope. Resulting in us using what bit of savings we had saved for maternity leave and ended up in more debt. Hence me going back to work four months earlier than planned.
My fil has dementia and is getting worse,
My MIL is finding it difficult to cope, so we thought it would be a good idea, since this house feels too empty without baby, to all move in with mil and fil to help her out and clear our debt at the same time and find somewhere we can grow old. Likely at least a year, more likely two.
Problem is. I want another baby, so desperately. I know time is not on my side,
and my body is failing me by not falling back into a cycle. And who knows what would happen if we were to have another. What if we lost another, or something happened to me? But I'm so desperately empty I can't even consider not trying. But on the other hand, i feel like time is running out. If o go the same way as my dad, I won't even have 20
More years alive. It's making me feel like I've wasted my entire life. I love my children beyond belief but I missed their childhoods by working so much and yet I have absolutely nothing to show for it. And here I am, looking at going back to work next week and missing the rest of their childhoods. I have no choice in this. Absolutely can not afford not to.
I can't believe at my age I am in this state. No house, nowhere to grow old, this is not what I dreamt of and I'm running out of time to fix it. And I can't fix it without working my ass off for even longer. And what happens if I am not able to fix it? What happens if I don't make it.
I have so many regrets. This is the lowest I've ever been. Maybe I could still cope and hang onto the dream if I had my baby but she died and here I am moving back in with parents at an age where I should be fully independent