How to come to terms with never feeling loved/taken care of?

[TheNameIsDickDarlington]

I recently came to a realisation about my life that made me feel quite sad and I don't really know how to come to terms with it.

The realisation came after a few different thing but all around the same time. Going out with some friends and their partners, all the friends wanted to bring partners and were happy to all be around eachother. One friends husband was chatting to me for quite some time and couldn't say enough lovely things about my friend, what a wonderful mother she was, how she actually pushed him to be better than he was and how the life they enjoy is down to her etc. Another friend messaged me when they got home and mentioned how her husband had taken her shoes off for her when they got in.

I just can't imagine having a partner who thought so highly of you or who would do something for you without you having to ask just because they know, again without being told, that you're struggling.

A different time a friend was talking about feeling so vulnerable when you're having a baby or are really sick and hoe sometimes you just want your mum even as an adult.

I understand wanting the concept or a mother to take care of you but I'd never want my own actual mother if I was ill because all I'd get is more grief.

When I feel vulnerable the last thing I want is my husband or mother around because then I'm not tough enough to deal with them.

I'm hoping someone else has been in the same boat and can advise me on how to come to terms with knowing that you'll never feel loved or taken care of in that way. People talk about feeling "safe" with someone or like you can be your true self, like someone has your back or is on your team no matter what. I just can't relate or even understand what they mean.

The closest I get to that is probably with my closest friends, I feel like I can just be myself and I've had my best friends coke to my aid without me having to ask, which was amazing and I'm so grateful but I guess I just feel very sad that I will never have a partner like that or share my life with someone in that way.

So many autocorrect mistakes hopefully it's still readable

We can't help our parents, but presumably you chose your husband!?

Yes

I have had this.

It's not good. My mother wasn't a great mum, she looked after me and fed me etc but she didn't really like children and had no tolerance for illness at all.

I was ill quite a lot and didn't really go to her for support.

My ExH and I started out supporting each other but I guess it drifted. Twenty years down the line it def wasn't like that. I had an accident and became disabled and he didn't cope with it well and basically tried to pretend it had never happened.

I try to be my own safe person now.

That's really helpful thanks

only you can decide as we are all different with different needs/etc

Good luck

I'm actually having schema therapy for this, although I'm currently single and would rather stay that way than have a relationship that doesn't bring joy to my life.

We're looking back to my childhood around where I learned my reactions and feelings to situations, and how healthy adult me can readjust these. It's really insightful.

If you don't feel emotionally safe with your husband/partner, they're not the one for you. By staying, you're reinforcing your unhealthy thoughts about yourself. You are worthy of a lot more.

I just feel very sad that I will never have a partner like that

Why not? Why are you settling for this sad existence?

Thank you. How did you get to the point that you were fine with being your own person? I can look after myself but it's relentless and exhausting, I just wish I had someone who would prioritise me. I know that's not going to happen I just want to get past the sadness over it.

It's only recent that I've realised that people do actually get looked after/doted on in that way. I always saw it in films and stuff but thought that was obviously not real. Also I'd heard people say about "needing their mum" but I guess I never thought they meant their actual mother, more like... "I want to be looked after like some people look after a child"

I suppose the disconnect between what I've experienced and what other people do is larger than I realised.

Therapy helps.

Also accepting that the relationships you see where partners support each other may not last.

I did have a relationship where we supported each other. It didn't last because there were various strains out on it - SEN child, my disability following an accident.

There's research showing that men are much more likely to leave a sick partner, so some of those relationships you see won't survive for those reasons.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm#:~:text=Why%20men%20leave%20a%20sick,family%2C%20the%20study%20authors%20said.

Again, the rate of divorce in families with a disabled child is very high - where partners do support each other often one is not prepared to take on the long haul of supporting a disabled child. I'm generalising again, but it is mostly men who opt out at that point.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/a-better-divorce/202302/divorce-and-special-needs-children?amp

I tend to think that the idea that your partner can be an emotionally safe person is a very nice idea, and in an ideal marriage that would be the case. I suspect historically it has rarely been the case and I think for many people it isn't the case now. There are a lot of unhappy marriages.

...But true.

Sometimes the best way to impove your life is to take ownership of the part you played in your own current situation, and address that.

You don't seem to really need advice on how how to continue passively accepting it if you are already doing that.

Might you have subconsciously picked a partner that treats you badly?

I know when I was dating I rejected partners that couldn't do enough for me/treated me like a queen and stupidly allowed partners who were abusive, selfish or even violent into my life. I regret that now. I needed to raise my standards, I doubt I'll ever date again because I make the wrong choices.

If you're dating then maybe accept nothing less than a mutual loving relationship. There is likely to be someone out there who could love you the way you want and need to be loved.

OK I'll answer it properly.

Yes I chose my husband. When we first got together and were young I didn't know any different. I didn't realise that people were in relationships that were all lovely and supportive because I'd never experienced having any support.

Things have gotten worse over the past few years as I've struggled with mental health issues and couldn't be as independent and couldn't do everything by myself as I always had.

I'm mostly just asking for advice on how not to dwell on it and just get through. As I have small children suicide isn't really an option so I thought I might gain some solace here.

Does that make you feel better?

Yeah that's possible. When I was younger the way I accepted being treated was simply awful. I don't think I had any concept of healthy boundaries. I have in recent years cut of a number of "friends" who I now realise were so awful to me, their behaviour would now be described as sexual assault. But back then I didn't make a fuss and just carried on.

But if parents aren't loving and nurturing, their adult children often make poor decisions when it comes to choosing a partner, attaching themselves to the first unsuitable person who shows them affection.

It doesn't 'make me feel better', because while I don't wish you any harm, I'm not particularly bothered about you at all. I'm just killing time on mumsnet while waiting for a train. Whether you take active action to improve your life, or wallow in your situation really won't affect me - or anybody else that replies to this thread - however sympathetically they phrase it.

My point and advice still stand, even if you think they seem harsh. You are the only one that can make changes in yout life, and if you are not prepared to do that, I'm not really sure what you expect anybody to say.

What a rude reply OP, just because that poster is exactly right in what they were saying and you don't like it?
Does that make YOU feel better?
Why is suicide the only other option?
FFS give your head a wobble, you CAN leave a shit husband who doesn't meet your needs and find a partner who does.

Yes, I’ve been there. There’s no way I would want my mother anywhere near me if I was ill or dealing with something difficult. She would either be completely over the top and make it all about her or pretend it’s not happening. There never was any in between of genuine concern.
Most of my previous relationships were similar.

I remember having to stay in hospital with DD2 when she was a newborn as she had some breathing difficulties. I sent DH home to be with DD1 to make sure she was okay. I just sat and realised that I had absolutely no one else I would want with me. Don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely. My DH doesn’t dote on me, mainly because I would hate it, but he does take care of me if I need him to.

Sounds like you have some lovely friends which is a good thing. I’m sorry your DH is a bit of an arse and you didn’t have a supportive Mum. You do deserve better.

@Ineedtoletoffsteam you're perfectly correct, I suffered a shit childhood and did exactly that - then had to reflect and spot the pattern, take responsibility for my life now I was an adult and do what was required to break the cycle. It wasn't easy, but thank god I did.

OP, you sound so like me when I was younger, I didn't really learn about healthy relationships until well after my second divorce when therapy helped me immensely. I realise now I'm better off without a partner and my loving care comes from my now adult children who have strong and appropriate boundaries themselves.

I really feel for you and you sound very sad.
I just wanted to add that couples are often on their best behaviour when in company. The man who praised his wife and the man who took his wife's shoes off - well maybe they're not so wonderful all the time. Maybe they're grumpy at home, maybe these couples bicker, maybe one of them has had an affair. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. My uncle was always charming about his wife in company "Oh isn't she wonderful, aren't I such a lucky man?" etc but I'm reality he was an alcoholic womaniser.
I'm not saying your friends are. They're probably lovely men, I'm just pointing out that their public behaviour doesn't show the full picture.
Incidentally my DH would never talk at length about how wonderful I am to my friends. It's just not him. He'd find it cringe worthy. He's also never taken my shoes off! I think I'm capable of taking my own shoes off. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with our relationship - he a very good husband but some people express their love in a more understated way.
Do you really feel your husband doesn't love you or does he just have a different way of showing it?

I said suicide is not an option as I have children. I also have next to money. With two paychecks we are always living month to month so I don't know how practical it is to leave and have less and just be homeless with the children.

Not having someone tell me it's entirely my own fault that I'm sad that I feel I've missed out on a large part of the human experience of feeling loved might have made me feel a little better.

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. I will come back later but right now I'm not emotionally able to deal with this.

Because emotionally mature and warm men don't grow on trees?

I can live quite well without love I've discovered. I keep busy and give myself lots of healthy indulgence.

Better to be lonely alone than lonely in a family/relationship I find.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources: www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org/ or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

When I dated or intended to date, because I had only two dates and both wanted to get married with me, but the second one was the one, I just would see how warm these men are: are they gentlemen, do they pay for the drinks, do they feel genuine or there is something dark lurking in the background.

For me being best friends with the closest to me is absolutely important. Not sure how to suggest you can change this. Do you live with a man and what is he like?