A childhood that's not really explainable

[lurkerusual]

My childhood wasn't extremely traumatic, no violence, I wasn't starving. But emotionally it was quite... unhealthy. And very against the norms, if I were to go into detail, I would either be told "That doesn't happen," or told I'm upset about the wrong things.

It's lead to an extremely isolated life where I can only have superficial connections and don't really have a backstory to share with others. I could act like a secret agent when it comes to my childhood - but too much of that is suspicious on it's own...

Same problem in therapy - I've already been through a couple of therapists who either tried the "you must unquestioningly accept your fate" approach or assumed me to have the opposite opinions and experience to what I have, even if I tried to explain.

Not sure where I'm going with this... Any advice, thoughts, links or reading recommendations?

I guess my first question would be why is a backstory important? Adults don't normally discuss their childhoods in much detail when forming connections.

What do you want to achieve?

Have you started this thread because you feel you have been held back from moving forward in any way ?
What was it about the therapy you had that you feel it didn't help you ?

Try chanting a Buddhist mantra Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo for 20 minutes twice daily to get in touch with your inner wisdom, compassion and courage. You can find info on pronunciation and meaning on SGI-UK website. Mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism. Chanting isn't as exotic as it seems once you give it a go. And it's free

I completely understand this, it's the sense that it was all too weird for others to understand, and it's a bit like emerging from a cult in that 'normal' life needs to be learned. The Stately Homes thread is where you need to go for empathy and advice, esp from Atillathemeerkat who is brilliant and has helped me as a lurker for many years. Also the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward. You're not alone and people on that thread will be able to help x

Did the counsellors specialise in trauma?

How about looking for something which is much more about your perception and approach to relationships? Art therapy or Equine therapy?

Art therapy might help as it gives you the chance to express yourself (not be told things about how you feel) and then consider and explain why you made those artistic choices. The therapist might point out elements of the art or colours etc and what that can mean for a person - but equally it’s totally up to you whether you say ‘yes, you could have a point, I haven’t thought about that’ or ‘I think actually that doesn’t fit me, for me, it’s more [this].’

Don’t give up hope, there’s something there that can suit everyone, but it can take time to find the right approach and therapist. You might need someone more reflective initially, perhaps?

I can relate with what you're saying.
I describe it as not having a smoking gun - there was no major bit thing that I could explain to others. It makes you feel very isolated.
Maybe have a look at Running on Empty by Dr Janice Webb. I found it a good starter book.

Not everyone, but I do find people ask about your parents, childhood friends, gaps in your CV if they notice you have them...

Achieve professionally, privately, or with this thread?

Achieve with therapy. Do you want to change something about yourself or do you want to find a way of dealing with your childhood?

Thank you so much for the suggestion @ChaosAndCrumbs! I've never had art therapy, and I'm not sure if it's available locally, but could definitely be something worth considering for emotions that are hard to explain.
Also, thanks for the caring words @familyfuckyouup and @BellaPommefritio ! My childhood wasn't "traditionally" abusive, so I've been reluctant to talk about it, but maybe resources focusing on loss, isolation and displacement could be of use?

Guess I'd say to how to handle deep-set feelings of loss and shame, and handling the isolation which is inevitable in some aspects,

the stately homes threads on here will be a huge help. lots of others who have been through the same. They are a v supportive bunch so why not have a read and see if it can help .

I understand this. I had a seriously traumatic childhood that has never left, and which, despite therapy, love, and actually having a very good life now; is still affecting me very badly.
It was so unique that I genuinely have never met anyone who went through the same, and I just can't relate to having a 'normal' life as a child.

I remember screaming to my therapist, 'I just want someone to get it!'

I'm almost envious of people who had trauma that is relatable and can be helped.

That sounds awful, but I wish I could meet someone who says 'yes. I really get it'

I reconnected with my best friend from school some years ago (we're both now in our 60's) and one thing she said in passing hit me like a thunderbolt "My parents always felt sorry for you". Now, like you, I wasn't neglected or abused or outwardly disadvantaged but those (good) people saw that my childhood wasn't...right.

But I refuse to be defined by my parents failings, failings which were 100% due to their own dysfunctional upbringings. They simply didn't know any better and didn't have the self awareness to realise that they were not good parents.

Does this have any bearing on who I am? No, none whatsoever. Was I a bad child who deserved not to be loved and cherished? Nope.

How many times do we see posts from people who have been burdened their whole life because they were rejected either at birth or in their youth by one or both of their parents. They go through life with a question mark as to what caused them to make that decision. They conclude there must be something
that just isn’t good enough about them. Yet, if we hear a story of parents abandoning or rejecting their child we don’t say “that must have been a terrible baby,” we’re probably more likely to say “they must have been terrible parents.”

You have no reason to feel shame and the loss is there's, not yours.

Given your update, I'd recommend having a look at Shame by Dr Joseph Burgo. Also, if you decide on counselling, find a counsellor who really understands narcissism. They are few and far between and nearly everyone lists narcissism on their knowledge list but try to find someone who has an in-depth knowledge of narcissistic abuse. Shame and narcissistic abuse go together hand in glove.