Irrational Anxiety

[Jacksecho]

I have a history of anxiety, I’ve done CBT twice and had good results but it seems like a the smallest thing around my daughter triggers this hugely irrational anxiety that either something terrible has happened when it hasn’t or catastrophizing that it will happen and the worst case scenario.

today when we were leaving swimming to get changed I directed her to a changing cubicle I could see it directly across from me as I unlocked our locker and removed our bags in the 40ish seconds this has taken she’s locked the door, logically I know she’s closed it so she’s capable of opening it she’s 3 years old - I also know its a flimsy door and if I have to I can break it down.

then a voice in my head said, what if she didn’t lock it at all? What if someone is in there with her and they’re hurting her right now whilst you are standing waiting with this leisure centre worker to get a screwdriver to open the door, I looked under the door just her two little feet but she’s silent as I’m talking to her and it’s stoking my anxiety more and more.

when the door opened she was of course shaken up and alone, but in the hours since she seems upset if I mention swimming again and I’m thinking could a person have got under the side of the cubical? Is it possible that could happen and I don’t see it happen? - I am so hyper vigilant around the idea of potential predators I’m kind of scared of everyone.

I have a history of anxiety around her, as a baby I had a fear I’d fall carrying her so I’d either go down the stairs backwards or scoot down on my bum I could see myself falling so clearly it incapacitated me.

her dad is with her during the day and I know he wouldn’t harm her, but in the summer he got stopped by police picking her up from nursery, he was intoxicated he’d been hungover from the night before on 3hrs sleep and it hit him like a freight train he wasn’t even aware he was drunk and that has caused a major rift, his drinking is under control and I’ve not seen him drunk since he is a heavy drinker but I think the shock of being arrested has made him be more aware that he had issues with alcohol he needed to address but I’m still hyper vigilant.

but now I am at the point where I literally don’t trust anyone, I don’t even trust myself because I’m questioning things I saw with my own eyes, I just feel really unsafe and I don’t want that fear to trickle down and make her scared of everyone, my own mother scared me as a child she was not a safe person due to alcoholism and my father was violent so I have grown up being hyper aware of my surroundings, could this maybe be ptsd?

I am aware my thoughts aren’t rational as I’m thinking them but I just don’t know what to do with them,any help is greatly appreciated.

You mention a history of anxiety - can you remember when/why this started?

then a voice in my head said, what if she didn’t lock it at all?

That's a part of your subconscious mind, pondering one of a myriad of possible outcomes. That's what your mind does, all the time; normally you aren't aware of this but because you were in a heightened state of anxiety you picked up this idea and ran with it. Have you ever stood at the top of a tall building or cliff and the thought of stepping has flitted through your mind? It's the same thing - the mind is looking at all options but as soon as it imagines the outcome it tells you to step back sharpish.

If your daughter called out in the middle of the night that there’s a monster under the bed, do you quickly grab her and rush out of the house calling the police to deal with the monster? Of course not!

That’s because you knows there isn’t a monster and that those fears are the fears of a child. Whilst we can easily understand why the child has those fears, we recognise they aren’t necessary. By the same token, there will be times when our mind brings forward fears about something that we know is not warranted or justified. Put succinctly, if a fear is unfounded you can disregard it.