Advice on 13 Yr old

[Devongirl23]

Daughter has always had tantrums /meltdowns but they have got worse last 2 years, now refusing school some days, she has set routines she has to do no matter how late it is, same on a morning getting ready for school, just isn't aware of time, never does homework, she keeps asking for instructions broken down in a simple way as she feels her brain doesn't work properly. She is extremely bright & is a perfect student in school but explodes when home, bedroom is very untidy, smashed things up, she rarely sees friends anymore, she just says everything is socially awkward. She's really restricting her eating, has poor hygiene, she's such a smart girl, I'm not sure what is going on, one minute she is fine next screaming, shouting abusive language, crying etc. Dh thinks it's normal teenage behaviour, it's not hormonal as its all through the month, is worse around her period. School have been made aware of behaviour, they have had a chat with her & she says she's happy at school etc & puts on a front, they have advised GP. What is a gp actually going to do, I've found unhelpful previously, all they suggested was hormonal & suggested the pill.

Sounds like she needs an assessment. Have you considered she could have ADHD?

It tends to emerge more when the person has to take on more pressure like Secondary school. They are burned out by trying to keep up in school that it all comes out at home.

Does she get fixed ideas about something then other days is zoned out? They can have focusing issues so can't take in when someone is explaining something but can manage things in small chunks when they have a supportive teacher/friend helping them.

Hypersensitivity to critical remarks.
Takes offence easily.

Untidy. Poor handwriting. Sometimes double jointed.

Poor sleep patterns. Tends to be a night owl.

umm, the chaotic room, poor hygiene, social anxiety, explosive behaviours, rigidity, food issues and difficulty following complex instructions do kinda point to some SEN, could you look into an autism and/or ADHD assessment? The GP might help or can you afford to go private?

dd has autism and ADHD and is almost 16. She is on fluoxetine for anxiety and concerta for concentration. She is also seeing a counsellor and things are much better albeit not perfect. She’s doing her GCSEs and I hope sixth form will suit her better as a less chaotic environment and she will have more agency over her time/what she wears and eats etc

I do possibly think adhd, just not sure how we would have any evidence from school as she's the perfect hardworking student. Sleep is a massive issue her bedtime routine can take over two hours, despite reminders, so it's generally way past midnight when she gets into bed, then can't switch off

Yes very fixated on things, obsessed with one thing at the moment, sits for hours in her room, I ask her what she's been doing & she doesn't remember, usually trying to start homework, then it's too late then crying as she'll get into trouble at school.

I can relate to a lot of this

Things that help
Remove demands , by this I mean reframe " go and have a shower" to " would you like some of my bath bombs ? " eat your greens " with " would you like sauce to help you eat your greens"

Weighted blanket
Making sure all agencies are involved CAMHS seats RIASs and telling school how bad it is at home as mine is an angel at school ( masking)

Consider supplements melatonin, magnesium and herbal calming meds available from chemist

Join SEN groups

You are not alone reach out for support

So relatable. Please remember, you're not alone in this journey. My daughter was recently diagnosed with ADHD. She was struggling with her routine, and we are trying to accommodate her as she has also started refusing to go to school. As mentioned in the comment above, I really recommend an assessment. She might also have ADHD, this guide was very helpful for me and made clear about the whole process and potential signs in case you would like to read more details.
Seek also local support groups as they are always very kind and helpful. x